family · holiday · ramble

Why is it nearly September?

It’s been nearly a month since my last post. I won’t lie to you, i’ve been avoiding writing. July and August so far have been pretty tough and i’ve been keeping to myself more than normal.
As you know if you read my last post, i’m no longer in full time employment. Currently i’m working as a self employed dog walker through an app called Tailster. They take a 15% cut which does kinda’ suck, but that provides me with insurance at least.
So far i’ve only got one regular client whose two Springer Spaniels i walk 5 days a week but i’m hoping to get a few more over the coming weeks.

Tom got paid enough from his second job to book flights for Cyprus next month. We fly at 4pm next Saturday and arrive at around 11pm. We’re flying from Liverpool which is quite exciting – i think i might pop over to Anfield Crem to say hello to Arwah before we jet off. Thankfully our flight back home the following Saturday doesn’t leave until 11pm so at least we still get 7 full days…even if it means we get back in the UK at 3am!

It’s my birthday in 2 days and i’m apathetic towards it currently. We’re going to British Oak with everyone (Mum, Nanny, Kirsty and Tom’s family) for a nice meal out so i’m looking forward to that, plus Kirst’ is gonna’ sleepover.

I’ve had killer period pains all day which has totally sucked but i’m glad i won’t be on during the holiday! I was on for the first half of Mijas and came on for the last couple of days of Mallorca, typical right? I must’ve timed it right this time.

Mental health wise i’ve been…so so. I’m gonna’ have to miss the first of my stress management course because we’re on holiday but i don’t think it’s something you have to attend religiously. I have my first assessment with CMHS in mid September so that’s something at least. I’m scared they won’t take me seriously but at the same time, how can they not?

Anyway, my favourite fanfic site is finally back online after 2 months down so i’m going to continue reading some smut! I’ll do another post after my birthday/before i go away.

L x

20s · depression · ramble · twenties

Work and crazy don’t mix

So i always try to be as honest and open about my life as possible with you guys. This is made harder because i actually know a lot of you. Around half of you reading come from my Facebook, and i have no idea who, so for all i know you could be my Year 7 science teacher who i cried over for weeks when they left, or even the ex best friend who got with my ex-ex-ex-ex-ex (etc) boyfriend two days after we split up. I don’t pretend to count all my Facebook friends as real friends. I had a clear out about a month ago and got rid of like 300 people, but even now there’s people on there i haven’t seen for 10+ years or who i keep on my “friends” list simply for the joy of bitching to my fiance every time they post something so mind numbingly stupid (and hilarious). I won’t name any names because they might delete me and then where would i get my sadistic joy?
I digress…

My life has been full of ups and downs recently. I say recently…it’s been like this for as long as i can remember.
I’ve got a self destructive personality and i’m crazy, what do you expect?
Recently all i’ve heard is “wow things are going great for you at the minute!” and “it looks like things are going your way”. I replied to every single person in the same manner, “yep! It means something is going to royally fuck up soon!”
Of course everyone shouted this down and tried to convince me not to be so pessimistic and that it probably just means that it’s time for a bit of respite in my ever fluctuating world…and so obviously they were wrong. Something did go wrong. I no longer have a job. I don’t want to go into it but the general jist is that my issues are too severe to continue ignoring, especially my anxiety, and that i need to seek medical help before i try to attempt full time work again. Clearly i need some kind of income, so i’m now on the lookout for something part time but i’m hoping that sticking to 3 or 4 days per week will allow me time to harass my GP, as well as lessening the anxiety about going into work. Forcing myself to go for 3 days is a lot easier than 5.

The biggest downside to this is that it pushes our plans back again. We had planned to talk to a mortgage adviser in September to see if we’d be able to get a house. Obviously that won’t be happening now and i think it’s unlikely we’ll get to that point until at least next year.
I also mentioned we’re looking at getting married in 2019. Well the good news is we haven’t spoken about pushing that back any further yet! It’s still 2 years away and our only concrete plan is to look at venue’s in the next 6 months – hopefully by which time i’ll be on the road to…i nearly typed recovery then. I don’t think recovery is a possibility, after all i’ve felt like this for as long as i can remember, probably 10-15 years. Hopefully by then i’ll be getting the help i need, be that in medicinal or therapy form.
So the biggest thing it affects is probably the house! This is probably freaking Tom out more than myself because i never really expected to get a house anytime soon, plus my credit rating ain’t great! He did comment on some houses to rent the other day so i assume we’ll go back to one of our old plans of finding somewhere bigger to rent before we save up a deposit to buy maybe this time next year.

Anyway, it’s going to continue to be tough money wise for a bit. Especially for me because i’m already at the limit on my credit cards. I just need to keep telling myself that this is temporary, and that i will eventually find a job i can keep and that doesn’t make me anxious, then hopefully the Doctor will stick me on meds that will actually work and life will finally mellow out. I honestly can’t wait for the day when i’m sat at the computer, praying that the kids have gone to sleep after putting them down for the 3rd time and considering sharing a bottle of wine and watching Deadpool with my husband before bed while we discuss what to pack on our trip to Disney World later that year.

I haven’t told anyone besides Tom and my Mum yet so if you’re reading this and you’re somebody i’m close to, i’m sorry for not telling you personally, i’ve been avoiding it all weekend. I also knew i’d have to make a post about it, if only to get it off my chest. At least i’ve finally emerged into semi-public (aka the internet) and have had a productive day (i cleaned the rats out and filled the dishwasher)! Yay me!!

And as a treat to myself (because i’m a millennial and we’re all incapable of doing anything without the promise of a reward after every minuscule task), i’m going to bed to watch Drag Race!

L x

 

depression · ramble · twenties

My new job and recent events

Before i jump into talking about the good things that have happened to me recently, i’d like to start off with a sincere apology to anyone who enjoys following this blog. I realise i haven’t posted since the 21st of May, aaaand it’s now nearly a month later….

Honestly? I’ve had very little to write about until quite recently and have since been too busy to write! The good news for anyone who wanted a good read is that this post is going to be looooong!

Anyway, as i’m sure you’ve guessed from the highly mysterious title, i have a new job! In a way i wish i’d written about this earlier in the week because right now i’m in a pretty bad mood (i’ll get to that later in this post) so excuse me if i’m lacking in enthusiasm for it – i promise i was more excited earlier this week!

Basically i applied for a Trainee Pharmacy Advisor/Dispenser job last month and had an interview a few weeks ago. I thought the interview went fairly well, i managed to answer all the questions but i couldn’t tell if the interviewer really liked me or not. I guess i’ve got a bit of a chip on my shoulder (or just that i’ve got crippling mental health problems that mean i’m bad at understanding other people), but she obviously did like me and phoned last week to offer me the job! I started last Monday and it’s been really good. There’s another new girl too so i’m glad i’m not the only newbie, and the company has been wonderful with supporting me so far. There’s SO much to learn and some of the other colleagues said it’ll probably take me around a year to feel like i fully know what i’m doing.

So i guess i’m a legal drug dealer?…
I might change my Facebook to that instead.

Good news numbero dos – Tom and i are going on holiday to Palma Nova in Majorca next week! Infact at this time next week, we’ll probably either be drunk in a bar somewhere or passed out in bed because our flight is next Friday at friggin’ 6.30am. Fortunately we’re travelling to the airport (Newcastle) Thursday late afternoon and staying at the Hilton on site so we’ll only have to get out of bed at say, 4am? The likelihood of me sleeping is slim to none.
We’re only staying 4 nights but i’m excited to get away from reality for a bit! It’s our 1st anniversary on the 26th and i’m struggling to think of a better way to spend it than in another country, far away from work and with time to relax and just spend time together.

Good things that have happened recently (in no particular order):

  1. Tom and i went back to Reds True BBQ on Ecclesall Road because i had a £10 off voucher and we had the huge sharer plate! It was AWESOME. Photo below.18835820_10154684533924537_7538499008029925638_n
  2. Laura invited me to Sundown Adventureland with her and Ashleigh. I remember going as a child with Kirst’ and it honestly hasn’t changed much! Turns out animatronics freak me out as much as i thought they would. Honestly that place is quite creepy? The soft play was great fun though! Nothing quite like having the excuse of a child to work up a sweat and nearly wet yourself laughing at both myself and Laura getting stuck in areas clearly not made for grown women. I also took about 500 photos of Ash so i’ll only include a couple on here.18697984_10154669297894537_3496493595727502094_n18698254_10154669311854537_7583407322371673101_n
  3. Bibbs visited!! It’s been around 2 years since i last saw her and before that it was around 4 years! Bibbs was my best friend at school and i used to go to her house every morning before school (and usually wait ages for her to get ready and watch her eat porridge). We went for food at Chiquitos and she ended up staying until gone 1am.18813370_10154687248434537_1461968135275652467_n
  4. Kirsty also visited! We went to a slightly less boujee McDonalds for our dinner and just had a good catch up. I’m actually staying round hers tomorrow night too. And obviously we took photos.18765785_10154696261069537_5152340084599712933_n
  5. Mum took me to Harrogate for a couple of days. We stayed over at the White Hart – which i can definitely recommend! Reception had a bit of a brain fart and gave us a room that had already been taken, causing us to walk in on a couple chilling on the bed! Fortunately they weren’t doing anything but we were all pretty shocked. The hotel was great about it though and bumped us up to a premium room in a different building next door, which was lovely and spacious. Mum also treated me to my first ever massage and although it only lasted 30 minutes, it did my knackered shoulders some good. The masseuse even said “you’re rock solid like your Mum!” The next day Mum dragged me around about a million charity shops (not quite as exciting) and i was getting all hot and flustered and moody – just for a change – so we eventually gave up and came home.18740353_10154683828394537_4783629198400342340_n
  6. I voted for the first time in a general election! Yes yes terrible i know seeing as i was 21 last time but i was working in Sheffield and technically living in Mansfield so there had been no way of me getting to vote. As i’m a liberal hippy, i voted Labour. We might not have won but i’m proud of Corbae for such a great campaign and getting over 70% of young people to vote!
  7. Laura and Chris had a BBQ last weekend that everyone attended, including some of their family from Canada. We made s’mores on the fire pit and i ate so much meat i ended up with stomach ache and had to take an indigestion tablet. Also took some amusing snapchat photos with Laura.

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Aaaaaand the bad stuff:

  • Tom found out what was wrong with his knee. Basically, it’s not something that can be cured and means he has to take pretty killer meds for an unknown amount of time (possibly several years). These meds mean he can’t drink, his hair might thin and he might have nausea, could cause liver damage and also mean we shouldn’t try for a baby due to the risk of birth defects. I know it hasn’t fully sunk in for him yet what this condition means and i guess it hasn’t for me either. I’m staying pretty positive about the whole thing though. As i said to him, it doesn’t have to be debilitating – the whole reason he’s going on meds is so his body can heal without attacking itself, so his knee should eventually mend. It feels very unfair on him to get something classed as an older person’s health problem, he’s only 33 after all. He said my mental health and subsequent unemployment would be the hardest thing we’ve ever faced together. Now i’m positive this condition will be. It breaks my heart because i wish i could help. I even wish i could have it instead of him – i’m already messed up, what’s a little more pain? Most people would say this will either make or break us. I know for a fact that getting through this will only make us stronger in the long run, despite all the short term effects it’s having on our relationship, and i don’t doubt for a second that we’ll be okay.

 

  • Today hasn’t been a good day. A bad mood came over me like a punch in the face this evening and i haven’t managed to pick it up since. I’ve spent just over an hour writing this post which has successfully distracted me but it’s midnight and i’m up at 6.30am and i just know i won’t sleep until probably 2am now. I’m struggling to shake the internal voices that i’m a piece of shit who should just give up on life right now because i’ll just continue causing the people who love me pain and anguish. I’m feeling quite isolated, antisocial and as though i’m trapped in that horrible bubble i spent years inside. The bubble thing is a drawing i used to do, pretty self explanatory but i’d basically draw me in a circle and write all the things/people that i felt connected to inside and all the things/people i felt disconnected to on the outside. This evening it’s just me in there alone.

 

I guess i should go to bed now in the hope that i fall asleep in the next hour. I’ve been listening to a lot of my Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows audiobook so i’ll stick that on. Stephen Fry does all the voices of the characters, it’s great.

I promise i’ll write again soon. I won’t leave it nearly a month this time!

L x

depression · ramble · self harm

Why i quit my job

This is an awkward topic of conversation, and one that i’ve been forced to have with several people over the past couple of weeks.
As anyone who follows my blog or social media knows, i recently left my job at Sainsbos for another Supervisor position at a different company. It was slightly better pay, slightly better hours and as i’d had trouble with one of my managers at Sainsbos, a new start.

My first week started off a bit wobbly – i wasn’t given much notice of my shifts and they got changed a couple of times and people turned out to be on holiday blah blah. It also turned out to be an entirely different job than i expected. I knew it was a 44 hour contract, meaning 9 hour days, but other staff in my role were doing 14 hour shifts 4 or 5 days a week! Every single colleague i met mentioned how hard management work and how many hours they put in (i add – for no overtime, as the role was salaried). With it being a much larger store than my previous one, i expected a larger management team. Shockingly, there were only 3 senior management (Store Manager, Assistant Manager and Supervisor) and 2 or 3 lower level managers (Lead Sales) with usually only 2 managers on overlapping shifts leading a team of 10-20 staff, compared to 1-2 managers leading a team of 1-5 at Sainsbos. Not to mention the staff did not seem to be allowed to do anything without authorization from a manager, not even till voids. It was a mentally and physically hard job that i thought i would cope with.

My second week, i injured my left foot. I eventually went to the walk in centre and then the minor injuries unit about it to find out that it was my poor choice of footwear that had led me to suffer from a strained arch that would heal with orthotic shoes or insoles.
Unfortunately i suffer from a severe case of “ahh it’ll be orate”, so i had most of my second week off work before seeing a professional about it.
A couple of days into my second week and the pain was still there, so i was forced to take more time off. Tom had booked this week off work to try and de-stress and was instead forced to endure my miserable company.
The next day i had a breakdown. Tom had been trying to get me to go into work that day, telling me what impact my actions would have if i continued to refuse (i could technically walk but it caused me a lot of pain and that job involved 8+ hours of constant walking). It escalated and the only other part i remember clearly is when he threatened to phone an ambulance because i refused to move and he thought i might’ve taken something.
One of my symptoms of whatever my problem is (i’ve suspected Borderline Personality Disorder for several months and Tom agrees) is that i have memory loss around situations where i feel a lot of emotion, especially ones where i am angry or upset. Unfortunately this means i can’t really give much more of an insight of what was said that night but i know it was the worst state i’d gotten myself into in a long time.

I’m not sure what week it was or if i went back in again after that – as i said, memory loss problems – but it got to a day where i was due in the next morning. I was sat thinking of reasons and excuses not to go in when i started to seriously consider “doing something”.
Vague, i know. It’s another difficult thing to talk about, despite me trying to be so open about mental health, but i’ve just always found it uncomfortable to say outloud that i was considering harming myself seriously enough to warrant medical attention.
This option had other benefits for me – i knew i needed to get professional help with my emotional issues and even though they would probably view it as the attention seeking behaviour it was, surely that would push things along a little quicker? Sure it would be taking a risk; they might not take it seriously or they could take it too seriously and try to section me, but that risk would’ve been worth it.

The fact that i was even considering this…just made me stop in my tracks.
I had two options at hand: do something potentially dangerous and serious in order to get out of work and grab the attention of the mental health services but in doing so possibly risk my life and hurt those around me, or quit my job and see a Doctor in the proper way.

Thankfully, “normal me” was in control at that moment and made the safer decision to leave of my own accord – which i was more than entitled to do as i had no notice period.
Everybody i’ve tried to explain it to, i’ve emphasised that i didn’t have another choice and that it wasn’t an actual decision. This is true in some respects. “Normal me” fortunately has enough self preservation left to realise that the other option wasn’t really an option at all, and that the effects of choosing that path would have been much worse than struggling with money for a month or two until i found another job that was less stressful and not a management role.
I don’t enjoy being unemployed. It’s boring and mildly depressing, but i have the years of experience, training and qualifications that i didn’t have last time i was unemployed, so i’m remaining positive that i’ll be able to find something fairly soon.

In the meantime, it’s giving me the freedom to try and chase the Doctor for a diagnosis and referral, as well as making it easier to get interviews for new jobs thanks to all my spare time.

I’m hoping i’m right in thinking i’ve made the right decision and that this proves to be exactly what i needed. So far i’ve felt less depressed and more focused on getting to a stable place in both work and mind. Fingers crossed this positivity continues!

L x

ramble

Doctors, work and mental health

Today i registered at the local Doctor. I have my initial assessment with the nurse next Tuesday to get weighed and my blood pressure taken etc.
I also couldn’t face work again, thanks to a mix of my foot giving me grief and my brain hating me.
I went to the minor injuries unit yesterday about my foot. It turns out my poor choice in footwear has damaged the arch and that’s why it’s causing me pain. I’m expecting my orthotic insoles to arrive today and hopefully solve that problem.

As for my brain, joining a GP in Sheffield is a step in the right direction. It’s likely to be a long, unpleasant journey and one that will be hard to walk.
For the past few months i’ve felt like i’ve only just been keeping a lid on everything. I’ve been desperately grasping at the normality in my life, trying to stop it from slipping between my fingers, but now it all seems to be getting away from me.

It’s hard to talk about it here. Well, anywhere really.
It’s even harder thinking of how to explain it to people who have never experienced it or known anyone who has. I think it’s easy for a lot of people to confuse the word ‘can’t’ with ‘won’t’. Mental health is still brushed under the carpet a lot, or romanticised for being ‘beautifully tragic’ but as soon as it manifests in a way that stops someone from doing “what they’re supposed to do”, it suddenly “doesn’t exist” or that person is told to get over it/man up/toughen up. I very much wish i was making mine up, but it’s as real as anything.

To an outsider looking in, i was doing pretty well. I’d been a manager for a year and a half in 4 different stores (Sainsbos liked to move you around a lot). I was having a few issues mentally but when have i ever not? I don’t know what the catalyst was; maybe it was all the pressure from family and work and myself to succeed.

Somebody asked me recently if i was afraid of failure.
I told them possibly…everyone has some fear of failing, that’s only natural, but i don’t think my fear is more intense than anyone else’s.
They then asked if i was afraid of success.
I wasn’t sure how to answer that one.
Maybe i am afraid of success. There haven’t been many occasions where i’ve actually succeeded at things. Maybe i’m just incredibly good at self sabotaging (i think we know already that one’s true). Maybe it’s just time for me to go in a different direction with work and not beat myself up about it.

What i do know is that i need help, and another job.

L x

ramble

Spring

It’s the first day of Spring and i nearly lost all the mail out of our mailbox when i prised it open with a screwdriver thanks to the gale-force winds.
Fortunately i caught them just in time and was able to collect my New Look parcel from Flat 3 (i lost my trust for those two when it took 2 weeks for them to give me a package i ordered last Christmas and now i feel like i need proof of delivery whenever they’ve accepted my mail).

It’s been a crazy couple of days rat-wise. Tom and i travelled to Surrey on Sunday to pick up a Double Critter Nation he bought on Ebay. 6 hours travelling in an uncomfortable van – i can think of better ways to spend a day off..
But the rats are happy and i have a cage that will last a lifetime and is a million times easier to clean!

We also think Arya is pregnant, thanks to Ned flinging himself out my arms to hump her 11 days ago. The problem is, she’s always been fat so it’s hard to tell if it’s babies or yogies.

And the worrying news is that i found two lumps on Astrid under one of her nipples. I phoned the Vets this afternoon and i’ve got a consultation tomorrow at 4.20pm, so i think i’m going to take Brienne along for the ride to keep her company. Those two are best friends and Bri is the least scared of new environments.

It’s 2 weeks until i start my new job and it’s actually quite a scary prospect. I’m very used to moving shops and having to introduce myself to new people, and i suppose this will be easier because everyone will be new (seeing as the store isn’t actually built yet!), but getting a new job means taking a bit of a risk. I have a 6 month probation, whereas at Sainsbos it only lasted 3 months, and i think i’ll be feeling the pressure until that half a year is over.

I booked my theory test today! Hurrah!! I can’t wait to be able to drive by myself. I love my driving lessons with Laura but we haven’t learnt anything new in a while and it gets a bit boring sometimes.

Tom and i are going to Cyprus this September with his family. Very exciting! I’ve never been to Cyprus before and everyone’s warned me that it’s very hot.

I’m off to watch ThatcherJoe’s latest GTA video and possibly play SimCity.

L x

ramble

A new chapter

I think the biggest news to share with you all is that i got a new job!
I’ve given 2 and a half years of my life to Sainsbos and although i’ll miss it, i’m excited for a fresh start. I do have my reasons for leaving that i won’t be going into anytime soon, but i’m sure i’ll talk about it someday.

My new job is still in retail, Supervisor again but much closer to home and it should be better hours! The store is only open 10am-4pm on Sundays??? I’m used to 6.30am-11pm every day of the week!

My induction is in 4 weeks and i have to go to a training centre 100 miles away for 3 weeks! It’s probably going to fall straight after Tom returns from his ‘4 weeks in a row working away’.

But i’m just happy that i’ll have new challenges, i won’t be moved about every 6 months and i should be able to get to work in the morning without spending £9.90 on a taxi.

Hopefully it all works out

L x