Body Positive · depression · mental health · ramble · self care · self love · twenties

Self employed and unmotivated

Let me just say the back end of this week has been a struuuugggllleeeeee!
I think i used up all of my happy.

So my business, Critter Care Sheffield, is on the go. I’m insured, registered as self employed and my fiance’s brother-in-law has kindly agreed to create a logo for me.
It’s amazing what you can do in a week when you put your mind to it and you’re having an up mood swing!

Right now i’m exhausted but wide awake from the gingerbread latte i had 2 hours ago, sat at home by myself watching Nothing to Declare repeats and considering attacking the mint ice cream i have stashed in the freezer.

As far as moods go, this certainly isn’t the worst. Plus i know a big factor for me being slightly depressed is due to money stresses (which are now resolved) and several nights of poor sleep (thanks to working Code last night and nonstop sciatica).
All i’ve wanted to do is write, but despite technically having plenty to write about, i haven’t known where to begin!
Unfortunately what tends to happen when i have writers block for a while is that when i eventually do sit down to put my thoughts on paper (or laptop in this case), it just comes out in one big fast ramble like this. Not the helpful, educational or inspirational content i’d prefer to have on my blog, but it’s realistic and true to my style of writing. As much as i’d love (and hate) to have a post go viral for it’s moving message or stimulating story, the plain truth of it is that i still rely on thesauruses to stop my posts sounding like the memoirs of a 12 year old girl.

I digress, so i suppose i’m facing one of the biggest challenges i’m going to come across, and an old nemesis – lack of motivation (also known as “cba syndrome” or “idle-itis”).
This is sadly something i seem to suffer with a lot, and i’m sure a psychiatrist would just love to delve into the dark chasms of my mind and blame it all on being ridiculed infront of my Year 11 English class by Mrs Ceurstemont (old bint). HOWEVER, i’ve come to accept it as part of my personality – whether that be my “healthy” personality or my suspected Borderline Personality Disorder “crazy” personality. It affects most facets of my life; it’s probably the reason why i’m always late, part of the reason why i start projects and then quit them halfway through (the other reason is my ever changing mood and self image) and generally just causes me a lot of trouble. For example, if i’d put effort into everything i’ve tried, i probably could’ve been a straight A student in both school and college, definitely would’ve written a book or two by now and my flat wouldn’t currently need hoovering.

This is the part where, if this were a Buzzfeed post, i would now endow you (yep, used thesaurus.com for that one) with the epiphany or discovery i’d had that suddenly allows me to bypass my lazy, crazy ass and enables me to run at 100% productivity!!!!!…….

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Yeah…. right….

So no. I don’t have a magic answer for y’all. I’m still a demotivated couch potato who is TERRIBLE for ‘putting things off’.
But i can offer you the rules that i try to follow. I mean, you read this far so it’s not really fair of me to just end it on that note. I don’t do clickbait, i’m not a Youtuber.

  1. Don’t beat yourself up for longer than is necessary. Now i won’t turn around and say never beat yourself up over things, because sometimes what everybody needs is a good self pity session. It creates morality and just proves that you’re human and you care about the thing you didn’t complete. Give yourself a set amount of time (mine is usually a couple of days) to feel like shit, and once that time limit is up, plan what you’re going to do to resolve it.
  2. Choose someone to kick you up the backside. For me this is Tom (fiance). He’s not someone who suffers with a lack of motivation so he comes in handy for giving me that extra support. This doesn’t always go in the right direction as he is a pessimist, so we can sometimes both end up in a pit of despair. Fortunately he bounces back quickly and is generally ready and willing to help me wherever he can.
  3. Don’t give up. Blah blah yeah i know, vom at that overused and cringey line. “Never give up, keep calm and carry on” BLEUUUURRRGGGGHHHHH. I don’t mean it in that airy meaningless way. Genuinely, don’t give up. Keep persevering. I don’t care if you had a 3 year break from it, if it’s something you want to achieve, go back to it, try again, keep trying your absolute best. Everyone fails sometimes, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Hell, i think i’ve failed at 99% of the things i wanted to do in life so far! Sure you might say i’m still young, but that doesn’t matter. It is irrelevant whether you’re reading this at 15 or 50, there will ALWAYS be somebody who started their “thing” later than you and were successful with it. I’m purposefully being vague about what this “thing” is because i want these tips to apply to as many people as possible, so don’t be reading this thinking “oh it doesn’t apply to me, she’s only talking about starting a business”… i’m not! If your “thing” or “it” is making your mental health better, so be it. It could be making a phone call or leaving the house or cleaning or a university essay or absolutely anything you want it to be.

    That brings me onto my last tip..

  4. Make your mental and physical health a priority. The most important thing to you about yourself should be your health. I say ‘about yourself’ because i know many of you will have loved ones that you hold in higher regard than yourself, which is totally fine, but just realise that your health should come first in anything involving you as an individual. Sometimes it’s important to take a break from projects or dreams to give ourselves time to rest. Personally, i need a few days every so often where i literally just fester. I binge eat or don’t eat at all, i just stay on the sofa most of the time, i stay up late and i don’t both showering. For whatever reason, that helps. I feel more alive when i get clean again and it’s almost like a purge – getting all of the nasty brain-sickness out in one concentrated go. Find something that works for you and allow yourself that chance to escape.

 

Keep on going, and if in doubt, watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race. It’s a surefire way to feel better.

L x

mental health · ramble

Getting somewhere, finally!

After months of waiting, the date of my assessment with CMHS finally arrived this week and it was pretty successful overall.
The social worker i spoke to was called Jane and she was very nice. I’m usually quite funny about strangers touching me and she touched my arm once when she greeted me and once again when we said goodbye, but i knew she was doing it to try and be comforting.
Despite it being 9am and far too early for this night owl, we leapt right in with “tell me about any traumas from your childhood and adolescence”. I told her the events i believed were linked to my anxiety and emotional regulation problems and we spoke in detail about the problems i was having. She didn’t make me feel like i needed to rush and we were in the interview room for around 90 minutes before we ran out of things to talk about.

At the end of the meeting, she told me that she didn’t feel it would be helpful to only look at one of my issues, and so she has referred me for a psychotherapy/managing BPD group course as well as an anxiety management one. I asked her if she could speak to the resident Dr about whether or not it would be possible for me to go on medication for my anxiety, but unfortunately the Dr wants me to try the courses first but has also recommended i try CBT at the same time.

So… overall….pretty successful! Not quite the outcome i wanted. I still haven’t received an official diagnosis of BPD but Jane believed i was somewhere in the middle of the spectrum and was impressed with the research into i had some, my self awareness and how insightful i was about my triggers. I’m a bit unhappy about not being given the go ahead for meds (kind of goes against the general opinion that Doctors are pro-medication!) but she explained that it wasn’t a no, just a “not until you’ve tried these things”.

It’s going to be a long process. I haven’t been given an estimate for how long the waiting list for these courses is but i expect they’ll be a couple of months away at least.

Being validated by a medical professional (finally) is a great feeling and it makes me more determined to keep going with it this time.

L x

ramble

Blah blah blah

I’ve found it near impossible to write the past month or so. I go through stages of this where i sit infront of my computer for hours, wracking my brain, trying to come up with a topic or wondering how to put my thoughts into words.

We got back from Cyprus on Sunday morning. It was wonderful. We went quad biking and on a sunset hack to the sea caves in Peyia and ate some truly wonderful food (if you’re ever in Larnaca, go to Panos Steak House, it’s right next to the medieval fort on the beachfront).

I’ve got an interview at 10am and i’m quite nervous for it. It’s just a little casual position and i get the feeling the interview will be quite informal but it’s still terrifying.

I managed to push back the key handover/inspection to next Tuesday so i can ask Tom for help this weekend to move my stuff over.

I’ve got my initial assessment next Monday at 9am. I’ll be half asleep for it, ha! I need to write some stuff to take with me but it’s a shock i’ve managed to get anything done at all today with the mood i’m in. If i could hibernate in a ball, i totally would. I don’t want to watch tv, don’t want to talk to anyone, don’t want to eat anything in particular, can’t think of anything good to write, don’t want to read or watch Youtube…
I’ve managed to get a lot done despite this. I’ve also applied for a lot of jobs.

I’m so sick of talking about jobs and money. That’s all everyone sees to want to discuss.

Zzzzzzzzz

x

 

family · holiday · ramble

Why is it nearly September?

It’s been nearly a month since my last post. I won’t lie to you, i’ve been avoiding writing. July and August so far have been pretty tough and i’ve been keeping to myself more than normal.
As you know if you read my last post, i’m no longer in full time employment. Currently i’m working as a self employed dog walker through an app called Tailster. They take a 15% cut which does kinda’ suck, but that provides me with insurance at least.
So far i’ve only got one regular client whose two Springer Spaniels i walk 5 days a week but i’m hoping to get a few more over the coming weeks.

Tom got paid enough from his second job to book flights for Cyprus next month. We fly at 4pm next Saturday and arrive at around 11pm. We’re flying from Liverpool which is quite exciting – i think i might pop over to Anfield Crem to say hello to Arwah before we jet off. Thankfully our flight back home the following Saturday doesn’t leave until 11pm so at least we still get 7 full days…even if it means we get back in the UK at 3am!

It’s my birthday in 2 days and i’m apathetic towards it currently. We’re going to British Oak with everyone (Mum, Nanny, Kirsty and Tom’s family) for a nice meal out so i’m looking forward to that, plus Kirst’ is gonna’ sleepover.

I’ve had killer period pains all day which has totally sucked but i’m glad i won’t be on during the holiday! I was on for the first half of Mijas and came on for the last couple of days of Mallorca, typical right? I must’ve timed it right this time.

Mental health wise i’ve been…so so. I’m gonna’ have to miss the first of my stress management course because we’re on holiday but i don’t think it’s something you have to attend religiously. I have my first assessment with CMHS in mid September so that’s something at least. I’m scared they won’t take me seriously but at the same time, how can they not?

Anyway, my favourite fanfic site is finally back online after 2 months down so i’m going to continue reading some smut! I’ll do another post after my birthday/before i go away.

L x

20s · depression · ramble · twenties

Work and crazy don’t mix

So i always try to be as honest and open about my life as possible with you guys. This is made harder because i actually know a lot of you. Around half of you reading come from my Facebook, and i have no idea who, so for all i know you could be my Year 7 science teacher who i cried over for weeks when they left, or even the ex best friend who got with my ex-ex-ex-ex-ex (etc) boyfriend two days after we split up. I don’t pretend to count all my Facebook friends as real friends. I had a clear out about a month ago and got rid of like 300 people, but even now there’s people on there i haven’t seen for 10+ years or who i keep on my “friends” list simply for the joy of bitching to my fiance every time they post something so mind numbingly stupid (and hilarious). I won’t name any names because they might delete me and then where would i get my sadistic joy?
I digress…

My life has been full of ups and downs recently. I say recently…it’s been like this for as long as i can remember.
I’ve got a self destructive personality and i’m crazy, what do you expect?
Recently all i’ve heard is “wow things are going great for you at the minute!” and “it looks like things are going your way”. I replied to every single person in the same manner, “yep! It means something is going to royally fuck up soon!”
Of course everyone shouted this down and tried to convince me not to be so pessimistic and that it probably just means that it’s time for a bit of respite in my ever fluctuating world…and so obviously they were wrong. Something did go wrong. I no longer have a job. I don’t want to go into it but the general jist is that my issues are too severe to continue ignoring, especially my anxiety, and that i need to seek medical help before i try to attempt full time work again. Clearly i need some kind of income, so i’m now on the lookout for something part time but i’m hoping that sticking to 3 or 4 days per week will allow me time to harass my GP, as well as lessening the anxiety about going into work. Forcing myself to go for 3 days is a lot easier than 5.

The biggest downside to this is that it pushes our plans back again. We had planned to talk to a mortgage adviser in September to see if we’d be able to get a house. Obviously that won’t be happening now and i think it’s unlikely we’ll get to that point until at least next year.
I also mentioned we’re looking at getting married in 2019. Well the good news is we haven’t spoken about pushing that back any further yet! It’s still 2 years away and our only concrete plan is to look at venue’s in the next 6 months – hopefully by which time i’ll be on the road to…i nearly typed recovery then. I don’t think recovery is a possibility, after all i’ve felt like this for as long as i can remember, probably 10-15 years. Hopefully by then i’ll be getting the help i need, be that in medicinal or therapy form.
So the biggest thing it affects is probably the house! This is probably freaking Tom out more than myself because i never really expected to get a house anytime soon, plus my credit rating ain’t great! He did comment on some houses to rent the other day so i assume we’ll go back to one of our old plans of finding somewhere bigger to rent before we save up a deposit to buy maybe this time next year.

Anyway, it’s going to continue to be tough money wise for a bit. Especially for me because i’m already at the limit on my credit cards. I just need to keep telling myself that this is temporary, and that i will eventually find a job i can keep and that doesn’t make me anxious, then hopefully the Doctor will stick me on meds that will actually work and life will finally mellow out. I honestly can’t wait for the day when i’m sat at the computer, praying that the kids have gone to sleep after putting them down for the 3rd time and considering sharing a bottle of wine and watching Deadpool with my husband before bed while we discuss what to pack on our trip to Disney World later that year.

I haven’t told anyone besides Tom and my Mum yet so if you’re reading this and you’re somebody i’m close to, i’m sorry for not telling you personally, i’ve been avoiding it all weekend. I also knew i’d have to make a post about it, if only to get it off my chest. At least i’ve finally emerged into semi-public (aka the internet) and have had a productive day (i cleaned the rats out and filled the dishwasher)! Yay me!!

And as a treat to myself (because i’m a millennial and we’re all incapable of doing anything without the promise of a reward after every minuscule task), i’m going to bed to watch Drag Race!

L x

 

20s · ramble · twenties

Driving test

This morning i woke up nearly chundering from the nerves of it all.
Alas, my driving test was only several hours and i had visions of crashing or just losing it completely!

Laura (my instructor/friend/soon to be sister-in-law) picked me up and we had 30-40 minutes driving around the block, in which i slightly ballsed up every manoeuvre we practised. I topped this off by completely messing up my reverse bay park by being too far left and failing to get it into reverse properly – cue a loud crunch.
Shook this off and refused to make eye contact with the 5 or so people watching, and headed inside.
A quick pre-drive pee and my examiner came in to get me! He was nicer than i expected, explained everything fully with details and chatted to me briefly while we walked. He also asked me the easiest ‘Show Me, Tell Me’ questions (fault with ABS and demisting the windscreens) and chose one of the easiest manoeuvres (turn in the road).

The actual driving was pretty normal! There were a few moments where i was unsure of the speed, especially as the roads felt like they should’ve been slower or faster than 30, but i didn’t get marked down for speeding so my assumptions were correct!
I received 4 minors. One for failing to signal at the correct time coming up to a roundabout (i moved over to the right fairly late and it just completely slipped my mind until i had already pulled out), one for positioning (i chose to pull up next to someone’s drive, but in my defence the entire road was full of drives!), one for mirrors (i expected a lot more for this so i’m chuffed with that) and one for forward planning (failed to pull into the right lane to turn off because there were loads of cars in that lane and i didn’t think anyone would let me in, so i didn’t even try).

So yeah, the good news is – i passed!!!! Laura and i jumped and squealed and hugged each other when he told us and then celebrated with lunch!

For someone who said they would never drive, i’m chuffed i managed to do it within 10 months of starting driving lessons, especially as i haven’t had regular weekly lessons since April!
Unfortunately it’s unlikely i’ll be able to insure my car until i get paid at the end of the month, but that’s only just over 2 weeks away!

Here’s my serious “nice” photo, and the silly one we took first when i thought Laura was taking the picture from the back of the car (okay, i’m a div sometimes).

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L x

ramble · twenties · wedding

I’m engaged!

If you follow me on Instagram or Twitter, or have me as a friend on Facebook then you’ll already know the big news.
But for those of you who don’t – and haven’t guessed from the very subtle title of this post – i’m engaged!!!!

Tom and i were in Majorca and had been for dinner in a restaurant near to Magaluf’s strip when we decided to go for a few drinks at a bar we’d found the previous night before we headed to the strip. On our way, Tom kept stopping to look at the lights around the bay and i kept trying to pull him along, insisting that the bar was definitely towards the right, not the left. I eventually realised he wanted to stop so i told him we could stop and have “a moment”, which he laughed at.
He continued pointing out how pretty the lights were, and i was getting a bit frustrated at this point because i couldn’t actually see them very well thanks to the beach umbrellas, so i suggested we walk down to the water itself to get a better view.
I got my phone out to take a panoramic photo but was disappointed that my iPhone’s camera couldn’t pick out the lights as well as i’d like, so i apologised to Tom and put it away and said again “okay, let’s have a moment then”.
We chatted about the views and he asked me “what do you want to do for our one year anniversary tomorrow?”
I said i wasn’t sure, and when he suggested a nice restaurant, i agreed.
Tom then turned towards me and said “well what if i don’t want to celebrate our one year tomorrow?”, to which i replied “are you dumping me?”
He laughed, crouched down a little to fiddle with his pocket, got down on one knee and pulled out the ring and asked me to marry him.
In my true dorky fashion i said “are you asking me for real??” hahaha!
And then obviously i said yes!
We both had a little cry and a big hug and kiss and headed to the bar to celebrate with a bottle of prosecco and to let our family and friends know (plus it meant i could get a better look at the ring!).

That’s pretty much it for the engagement story! We couldn’t stop grinning all night and were chuffed with the amount of congrat’s we received on Facebook and Instagram.

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Soooo…onto the ring!
It’s a round cut, solitaire, VS2 0.25ct diamond ring on 18k white gold. It’s from a store in Mayfair, London called Vashi. It’s also the most expensive thing i’ve ever owned and i’m a tiny bit terrified i’ll lose it (i think Tom would actually murder me)!
I’ve also realised that i seem unable to take selfies without somehow sneaking my ring in the photo….

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As for anyone interested in when we’re getting married – we’re not sure! We can definitely say it won’t be next year, partly we need longer than that to save up but also because my cousin is getting married next year anyway. We’ve briefly spoken about aiming for 2019 but nothing’s definite yet (apart from the fact that it will happen…eventually..).
I’ll keep everyone updated and there’s definitely going to be some wedding-themed blog posts for you to look forward to so watch this space!

L x