depression · ramble · mental health

1am rambles

I sure wish i could be one of those inspirational bloggers.

To be honest, even somebody consistent would do.

Right now i’ll be honest. I’m tired. I’m tired of being stuck with my own brain. Tired of social media. Tired of humans. I’m even tired of going outside.

I’m sure i’ll keep plodding on like normal, i’m nothing if not stubborn after all, but i can’t resist wishing it would all just end. It’s not that i particularly want to be dead, at least not right this second, i just want to be in an altered state of mind where i’m happily dreamy.

Now this just sounds like i should take drugs.

Maybe i should.

Probably not. I’m too old for that now. Also drugs make you want to be friends with people and right this second i’m not about that.

I’m having a bit of trouble with my head. I don’t know whether you can call it paranoia as such, it’s more of a second voice in my brain, the crazy voice. It’s trying to convince me that i don’t have BPD because there’s a few things that i don’t conform to and that i’m not as pathetic as the people that have been diagnosed with it, not as emotional or “wet” or soft. Obviously logical me doesn’t think this because that’s the part of me that realised i do have BPD, but crazy me is hating on it big time at the moment. Probably because she’s also obsessed with the idea that nobody is like me. Yeah, she’s a bit of a narcissist too, but not always a healthy one.

I’m also not really enjoying my group psychoeducation. It’s yet to teach me something i didn’t already know that proves useful and i’m very suspicious of most of the group. I sit there trying to work out their personalities.
One girl is quite outspoken but polite, she seems well educated and somebody who is confident in what they want and knows how to get it. She seems bossy and maybe too demanding of her friends. There’s a girl with the same blank face as me and some of the same piercings, she’s quite reserved too but puts on a front that she doesn’t give a shit. She comes across as a bitch, probably as much as i do. The only guy doesn’t seem to have an off button, he doesn’t think about what he’s saying before the words come pouring out of his mouth, he doesn’t bother to construct actual sentences and would rather spend 5 minutes rambling and finding the right words while we sit around and wait and glance at the clock. Either he likes the sound of his own voice too much or genuinely thinks we all care.

See? It’s amazing how fast i can type and how much i have to say when i’m being a bitch. The hateful side of me is in full force tonight.

I’ll continue to attend but i’m not convinced it’s going to help.

L x

Body Positive · depression · mental health · ramble · self care · self love · twenties

Self employed and unmotivated

Let me just say the back end of this week has been a struuuugggllleeeeee!
I think i used up all of my happy.

So my business, Critter Care Sheffield, is on the go. I’m insured, registered as self employed and my fiance’s brother-in-law has kindly agreed to create a logo for me.
It’s amazing what you can do in a week when you put your mind to it and you’re having an up mood swing!

Right now i’m exhausted but wide awake from the gingerbread latte i had 2 hours ago, sat at home by myself watching Nothing to Declare repeats and considering attacking the mint ice cream i have stashed in the freezer.

As far as moods go, this certainly isn’t the worst. Plus i know a big factor for me being slightly depressed is due to money stresses (which are now resolved) and several nights of poor sleep (thanks to working Code last night and nonstop sciatica).
All i’ve wanted to do is write, but despite technically having plenty to write about, i haven’t known where to begin!
Unfortunately what tends to happen when i have writers block for a while is that when i eventually do sit down to put my thoughts on paper (or laptop in this case), it just comes out in one big fast ramble like this. Not the helpful, educational or inspirational content i’d prefer to have on my blog, but it’s realistic and true to my style of writing. As much as i’d love (and hate) to have a post go viral for it’s moving message or stimulating story, the plain truth of it is that i still rely on thesauruses to stop my posts sounding like the memoirs of a 12 year old girl.

I digress, so i suppose i’m facing one of the biggest challenges i’m going to come across, and an old nemesis – lack of motivation (also known as “cba syndrome” or “idle-itis”).
This is sadly something i seem to suffer with a lot, and i’m sure a psychiatrist would just love to delve into the dark chasms of my mind and blame it all on being ridiculed infront of my Year 11 English class by Mrs Ceurstemont (old bint). HOWEVER, i’ve come to accept it as part of my personality – whether that be my “healthy” personality or my suspected Borderline Personality Disorder “crazy” personality. It affects most facets of my life; it’s probably the reason why i’m always late, part of the reason why i start projects and then quit them halfway through (the other reason is my ever changing mood and self image) and generally just causes me a lot of trouble. For example, if i’d put effort into everything i’ve tried, i probably could’ve been a straight A student in both school and college, definitely would’ve written a book or two by now and my flat wouldn’t currently need hoovering.

This is the part where, if this were a Buzzfeed post, i would now endow you (yep, used thesaurus.com for that one) with the epiphany or discovery i’d had that suddenly allows me to bypass my lazy, crazy ass and enables me to run at 100% productivity!!!!!…….

Rainbow.jpeg

Yeah…. right….

So no. I don’t have a magic answer for y’all. I’m still a demotivated couch potato who is TERRIBLE for ‘putting things off’.
But i can offer you the rules that i try to follow. I mean, you read this far so it’s not really fair of me to just end it on that note. I don’t do clickbait, i’m not a Youtuber.

  1. Don’t beat yourself up for longer than is necessary. Now i won’t turn around and say never beat yourself up over things, because sometimes what everybody needs is a good self pity session. It creates morality and just proves that you’re human and you care about the thing you didn’t complete. Give yourself a set amount of time (mine is usually a couple of days) to feel like shit, and once that time limit is up, plan what you’re going to do to resolve it.
  2. Choose someone to kick you up the backside. For me this is Tom (fiance). He’s not someone who suffers with a lack of motivation so he comes in handy for giving me that extra support. This doesn’t always go in the right direction as he is a pessimist, so we can sometimes both end up in a pit of despair. Fortunately he bounces back quickly and is generally ready and willing to help me wherever he can.
  3. Don’t give up. Blah blah yeah i know, vom at that overused and cringey line. “Never give up, keep calm and carry on” BLEUUUURRRGGGGHHHHH. I don’t mean it in that airy meaningless way. Genuinely, don’t give up. Keep persevering. I don’t care if you had a 3 year break from it, if it’s something you want to achieve, go back to it, try again, keep trying your absolute best. Everyone fails sometimes, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Hell, i think i’ve failed at 99% of the things i wanted to do in life so far! Sure you might say i’m still young, but that doesn’t matter. It is irrelevant whether you’re reading this at 15 or 50, there will ALWAYS be somebody who started their “thing” later than you and were successful with it. I’m purposefully being vague about what this “thing” is because i want these tips to apply to as many people as possible, so don’t be reading this thinking “oh it doesn’t apply to me, she’s only talking about starting a business”… i’m not! If your “thing” or “it” is making your mental health better, so be it. It could be making a phone call or leaving the house or cleaning or a university essay or absolutely anything you want it to be.

    That brings me onto my last tip..

  4. Make your mental and physical health a priority. The most important thing to you about yourself should be your health. I say ‘about yourself’ because i know many of you will have loved ones that you hold in higher regard than yourself, which is totally fine, but just realise that your health should come first in anything involving you as an individual. Sometimes it’s important to take a break from projects or dreams to give ourselves time to rest. Personally, i need a few days every so often where i literally just fester. I binge eat or don’t eat at all, i just stay on the sofa most of the time, i stay up late and i don’t both showering. For whatever reason, that helps. I feel more alive when i get clean again and it’s almost like a purge – getting all of the nasty brain-sickness out in one concentrated go. Find something that works for you and allow yourself that chance to escape.

 

Keep on going, and if in doubt, watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race. It’s a surefire way to feel better.

L x

mental health · ramble

Getting somewhere, finally!

After months of waiting, the date of my assessment with CMHS finally arrived this week and it was pretty successful overall.
The social worker i spoke to was called Jane and she was very nice. I’m usually quite funny about strangers touching me and she touched my arm once when she greeted me and once again when we said goodbye, but i knew she was doing it to try and be comforting.
Despite it being 9am and far too early for this night owl, we leapt right in with “tell me about any traumas from your childhood and adolescence”. I told her the events i believed were linked to my anxiety and emotional regulation problems and we spoke in detail about the problems i was having. She didn’t make me feel like i needed to rush and we were in the interview room for around 90 minutes before we ran out of things to talk about.

At the end of the meeting, she told me that she didn’t feel it would be helpful to only look at one of my issues, and so she has referred me for a psychotherapy/managing BPD group course as well as an anxiety management one. I asked her if she could speak to the resident Dr about whether or not it would be possible for me to go on medication for my anxiety, but unfortunately the Dr wants me to try the courses first but has also recommended i try CBT at the same time.

So… overall….pretty successful! Not quite the outcome i wanted. I still haven’t received an official diagnosis of BPD but Jane believed i was somewhere in the middle of the spectrum and was impressed with the research into i had some, my self awareness and how insightful i was about my triggers. I’m a bit unhappy about not being given the go ahead for meds (kind of goes against the general opinion that Doctors are pro-medication!) but she explained that it wasn’t a no, just a “not until you’ve tried these things”.

It’s going to be a long process. I haven’t been given an estimate for how long the waiting list for these courses is but i expect they’ll be a couple of months away at least.

Being validated by a medical professional (finally) is a great feeling and it makes me more determined to keep going with it this time.

L x

family · holiday · ramble

Why is it nearly September?

It’s been nearly a month since my last post. I won’t lie to you, i’ve been avoiding writing. July and August so far have been pretty tough and i’ve been keeping to myself more than normal.
As you know if you read my last post, i’m no longer in full time employment. Currently i’m working as a self employed dog walker through an app called Tailster. They take a 15% cut which does kinda’ suck, but that provides me with insurance at least.
So far i’ve only got one regular client whose two Springer Spaniels i walk 5 days a week but i’m hoping to get a few more over the coming weeks.

Tom got paid enough from his second job to book flights for Cyprus next month. We fly at 4pm next Saturday and arrive at around 11pm. We’re flying from Liverpool which is quite exciting – i think i might pop over to Anfield Crem to say hello to Arwah before we jet off. Thankfully our flight back home the following Saturday doesn’t leave until 11pm so at least we still get 7 full days…even if it means we get back in the UK at 3am!

It’s my birthday in 2 days and i’m apathetic towards it currently. We’re going to British Oak with everyone (Mum, Nanny, Kirsty and Tom’s family) for a nice meal out so i’m looking forward to that, plus Kirst’ is gonna’ sleepover.

I’ve had killer period pains all day which has totally sucked but i’m glad i won’t be on during the holiday! I was on for the first half of Mijas and came on for the last couple of days of Mallorca, typical right? I must’ve timed it right this time.

Mental health wise i’ve been…so so. I’m gonna’ have to miss the first of my stress management course because we’re on holiday but i don’t think it’s something you have to attend religiously. I have my first assessment with CMHS in mid September so that’s something at least. I’m scared they won’t take me seriously but at the same time, how can they not?

Anyway, my favourite fanfic site is finally back online after 2 months down so i’m going to continue reading some smut! I’ll do another post after my birthday/before i go away.

L x

20s · depression · ramble · twenties

Work and crazy don’t mix

So i always try to be as honest and open about my life as possible with you guys. This is made harder because i actually know a lot of you. Around half of you reading come from my Facebook, and i have no idea who, so for all i know you could be my Year 7 science teacher who i cried over for weeks when they left, or even the ex best friend who got with my ex-ex-ex-ex-ex (etc) boyfriend two days after we split up. I don’t pretend to count all my Facebook friends as real friends. I had a clear out about a month ago and got rid of like 300 people, but even now there’s people on there i haven’t seen for 10+ years or who i keep on my “friends” list simply for the joy of bitching to my fiance every time they post something so mind numbingly stupid (and hilarious). I won’t name any names because they might delete me and then where would i get my sadistic joy?
I digress…

My life has been full of ups and downs recently. I say recently…it’s been like this for as long as i can remember.
I’ve got a self destructive personality and i’m crazy, what do you expect?
Recently all i’ve heard is “wow things are going great for you at the minute!” and “it looks like things are going your way”. I replied to every single person in the same manner, “yep! It means something is going to royally fuck up soon!”
Of course everyone shouted this down and tried to convince me not to be so pessimistic and that it probably just means that it’s time for a bit of respite in my ever fluctuating world…and so obviously they were wrong. Something did go wrong. I no longer have a job. I don’t want to go into it but the general jist is that my issues are too severe to continue ignoring, especially my anxiety, and that i need to seek medical help before i try to attempt full time work again. Clearly i need some kind of income, so i’m now on the lookout for something part time but i’m hoping that sticking to 3 or 4 days per week will allow me time to harass my GP, as well as lessening the anxiety about going into work. Forcing myself to go for 3 days is a lot easier than 5.

The biggest downside to this is that it pushes our plans back again. We had planned to talk to a mortgage adviser in September to see if we’d be able to get a house. Obviously that won’t be happening now and i think it’s unlikely we’ll get to that point until at least next year.
I also mentioned we’re looking at getting married in 2019. Well the good news is we haven’t spoken about pushing that back any further yet! It’s still 2 years away and our only concrete plan is to look at venue’s in the next 6 months – hopefully by which time i’ll be on the road to…i nearly typed recovery then. I don’t think recovery is a possibility, after all i’ve felt like this for as long as i can remember, probably 10-15 years. Hopefully by then i’ll be getting the help i need, be that in medicinal or therapy form.
So the biggest thing it affects is probably the house! This is probably freaking Tom out more than myself because i never really expected to get a house anytime soon, plus my credit rating ain’t great! He did comment on some houses to rent the other day so i assume we’ll go back to one of our old plans of finding somewhere bigger to rent before we save up a deposit to buy maybe this time next year.

Anyway, it’s going to continue to be tough money wise for a bit. Especially for me because i’m already at the limit on my credit cards. I just need to keep telling myself that this is temporary, and that i will eventually find a job i can keep and that doesn’t make me anxious, then hopefully the Doctor will stick me on meds that will actually work and life will finally mellow out. I honestly can’t wait for the day when i’m sat at the computer, praying that the kids have gone to sleep after putting them down for the 3rd time and considering sharing a bottle of wine and watching Deadpool with my husband before bed while we discuss what to pack on our trip to Disney World later that year.

I haven’t told anyone besides Tom and my Mum yet so if you’re reading this and you’re somebody i’m close to, i’m sorry for not telling you personally, i’ve been avoiding it all weekend. I also knew i’d have to make a post about it, if only to get it off my chest. At least i’ve finally emerged into semi-public (aka the internet) and have had a productive day (i cleaned the rats out and filled the dishwasher)! Yay me!!

And as a treat to myself (because i’m a millennial and we’re all incapable of doing anything without the promise of a reward after every minuscule task), i’m going to bed to watch Drag Race!

L x

 

depression · ramble · self harm

Why i quit my job

This is an awkward topic of conversation, and one that i’ve been forced to have with several people over the past couple of weeks.
As anyone who follows my blog or social media knows, i recently left my job at Sainsbos for another Supervisor position at a different company. It was slightly better pay, slightly better hours and as i’d had trouble with one of my managers at Sainsbos, a new start.

My first week started off a bit wobbly – i wasn’t given much notice of my shifts and they got changed a couple of times and people turned out to be on holiday blah blah. It also turned out to be an entirely different job than i expected. I knew it was a 44 hour contract, meaning 9 hour days, but other staff in my role were doing 14 hour shifts 4 or 5 days a week! Every single colleague i met mentioned how hard management work and how many hours they put in (i add – for no overtime, as the role was salaried). With it being a much larger store than my previous one, i expected a larger management team. Shockingly, there were only 3 senior management (Store Manager, Assistant Manager and Supervisor) and 2 or 3 lower level managers (Lead Sales) with usually only 2 managers on overlapping shifts leading a team of 10-20 staff, compared to 1-2 managers leading a team of 1-5 at Sainsbos. Not to mention the staff did not seem to be allowed to do anything without authorization from a manager, not even till voids. It was a mentally and physically hard job that i thought i would cope with.

My second week, i injured my left foot. I eventually went to the walk in centre and then the minor injuries unit about it to find out that it was my poor choice of footwear that had led me to suffer from a strained arch that would heal with orthotic shoes or insoles.
Unfortunately i suffer from a severe case of “ahh it’ll be orate”, so i had most of my second week off work before seeing a professional about it.
A couple of days into my second week and the pain was still there, so i was forced to take more time off. Tom had booked this week off work to try and de-stress and was instead forced to endure my miserable company.
The next day i had a breakdown. Tom had been trying to get me to go into work that day, telling me what impact my actions would have if i continued to refuse (i could technically walk but it caused me a lot of pain and that job involved 8+ hours of constant walking). It escalated and the only other part i remember clearly is when he threatened to phone an ambulance because i refused to move and he thought i might’ve taken something.
One of my symptoms of whatever my problem is (i’ve suspected Borderline Personality Disorder for several months and Tom agrees) is that i have memory loss around situations where i feel a lot of emotion, especially ones where i am angry or upset. Unfortunately this means i can’t really give much more of an insight of what was said that night but i know it was the worst state i’d gotten myself into in a long time.

I’m not sure what week it was or if i went back in again after that – as i said, memory loss problems – but it got to a day where i was due in the next morning. I was sat thinking of reasons and excuses not to go in when i started to seriously consider “doing something”.
Vague, i know. It’s another difficult thing to talk about, despite me trying to be so open about mental health, but i’ve just always found it uncomfortable to say outloud that i was considering harming myself seriously enough to warrant medical attention.
This option had other benefits for me – i knew i needed to get professional help with my emotional issues and even though they would probably view it as the attention seeking behaviour it was, surely that would push things along a little quicker? Sure it would be taking a risk; they might not take it seriously or they could take it too seriously and try to section me, but that risk would’ve been worth it.

The fact that i was even considering this…just made me stop in my tracks.
I had two options at hand: do something potentially dangerous and serious in order to get out of work and grab the attention of the mental health services but in doing so possibly risk my life and hurt those around me, or quit my job and see a Doctor in the proper way.

Thankfully, “normal me” was in control at that moment and made the safer decision to leave of my own accord – which i was more than entitled to do as i had no notice period.
Everybody i’ve tried to explain it to, i’ve emphasised that i didn’t have another choice and that it wasn’t an actual decision. This is true in some respects. “Normal me” fortunately has enough self preservation left to realise that the other option wasn’t really an option at all, and that the effects of choosing that path would have been much worse than struggling with money for a month or two until i found another job that was less stressful and not a management role.
I don’t enjoy being unemployed. It’s boring and mildly depressing, but i have the years of experience, training and qualifications that i didn’t have last time i was unemployed, so i’m remaining positive that i’ll be able to find something fairly soon.

In the meantime, it’s giving me the freedom to try and chase the Doctor for a diagnosis and referral, as well as making it easier to get interviews for new jobs thanks to all my spare time.

I’m hoping i’m right in thinking i’ve made the right decision and that this proves to be exactly what i needed. So far i’ve felt less depressed and more focused on getting to a stable place in both work and mind. Fingers crossed this positivity continues!

L x

ramble

Doctors, work and mental health

Today i registered at the local Doctor. I have my initial assessment with the nurse next Tuesday to get weighed and my blood pressure taken etc.
I also couldn’t face work again, thanks to a mix of my foot giving me grief and my brain hating me.
I went to the minor injuries unit yesterday about my foot. It turns out my poor choice in footwear has damaged the arch and that’s why it’s causing me pain. I’m expecting my orthotic insoles to arrive today and hopefully solve that problem.

As for my brain, joining a GP in Sheffield is a step in the right direction. It’s likely to be a long, unpleasant journey and one that will be hard to walk.
For the past few months i’ve felt like i’ve only just been keeping a lid on everything. I’ve been desperately grasping at the normality in my life, trying to stop it from slipping between my fingers, but now it all seems to be getting away from me.

It’s hard to talk about it here. Well, anywhere really.
It’s even harder thinking of how to explain it to people who have never experienced it or known anyone who has. I think it’s easy for a lot of people to confuse the word ‘can’t’ with ‘won’t’. Mental health is still brushed under the carpet a lot, or romanticised for being ‘beautifully tragic’ but as soon as it manifests in a way that stops someone from doing “what they’re supposed to do”, it suddenly “doesn’t exist” or that person is told to get over it/man up/toughen up. I very much wish i was making mine up, but it’s as real as anything.

To an outsider looking in, i was doing pretty well. I’d been a manager for a year and a half in 4 different stores (Sainsbos liked to move you around a lot). I was having a few issues mentally but when have i ever not? I don’t know what the catalyst was; maybe it was all the pressure from family and work and myself to succeed.

Somebody asked me recently if i was afraid of failure.
I told them possibly…everyone has some fear of failing, that’s only natural, but i don’t think my fear is more intense than anyone else’s.
They then asked if i was afraid of success.
I wasn’t sure how to answer that one.
Maybe i am afraid of success. There haven’t been many occasions where i’ve actually succeeded at things. Maybe i’m just incredibly good at self sabotaging (i think we know already that one’s true). Maybe it’s just time for me to go in a different direction with work and not beat myself up about it.

What i do know is that i need help, and another job.

L x