depression · obsessive compulsive disorder · ocd · ramble · rats · reflecting · self harm · twenties

Things i’m most afraid of

All of my life i’ve been afraid of something.
Mostly irrational fears, like being scared of the dark until i was around 19 and still feeling claustrophobic about it even now.
When i was between 10 and 12 my cousin played an online video game that i believe was in a room escape style while i watched out of the corner of my eye. I remember feeling anxious even though i wasn’t playing or watching properly. In the game, he passed an open door with a mirror angled slightly towards the character’s POV. A dark hooded figure swept past the mirror’s reflection and thus began my fear of mirrors for around 8-10 years.
My OCD happily latched onto this image, which is probably the reason it became such an intense phobia for me, and i used to have rituals if i needed to interact with a mirror in any way.

I’ve sort of grown out of some of my fears as i’ve gotten older. I say ‘sort of’ because i still feel some level of anxiety around them but nowhere near the extreme they used to be.
My fears and worries nowadays tend to be just as irrational for being unfounded but more appropriate for my life, desires and happiness.

A fear of being infertile/having fertility problems 

This one has plagued me for approx 3 years now. I guess it started with myself and a past partner being stupid with contraception. It certainly wasn’t ever a plan to have a baby that early in our relationship but my period still hadn’t returned since stopping the Depo-Provera injection a year previous, so i made an assumption that “it would all be okay”. I know that tends to be the famous last words for a large amount of people but oddly it wasn’t for us. Even after my period returned and we were still sloppy and irresponsible, we never had so much of a scare and my periods kept coming like clockwork. Fast forward to now and i’ve had one scare when it came a day late. I’m hoping i’m just really good at my method of natural birth control by closely tracking my fertile periods, but i’m stuck between not wanting a baby right now and being happy that i’ve not accidentally gotten pregnant, and being terrified that i can’t get pregnant in the first place.

A fear of my partner dying

I suppose this is one that most people have, although my fears easily turn into obsessions that take over my brain. Tom works away a lot and he always drives, so my main worry is that he gets in an accident. This is probably fueled by my experiences of being in 3 car accidents before i turned 16. Logically i know he’s a great driver and has a ton of experience but that does very little to soothe me. I can’t imagine how parents must feel about their children if this is the level of anxiety i can achieve from my healthy, grown up, highly-capable-of-surviving partner dying.

A fear of my mental health deteriorating or never improving

It’s becoming clear that i’ve reached the end of my ability to deal with my mental health alone. I haven’t visited a Dr about it since 2011 and my dealings with them were less than useful. Those close to me keep telling me to speak to a professional about things and it is something i know i need to do, but i’m still a little hesitant. It scares me to think that i might always be this way or worse. It has an effect on every aspect of my life including work and relationships with others. It already stops me from doing certain things and causes other people pain. I can’t remember how long exactly i’ve felt this way but i know it’s a really long time, at least 4 years. Obviously i’m not a Dr or any kind of healthcare professional, but i have my suspicions on what the diagnosis could be. That’s part of the reason i’m still debating whether to seek help or not – i don’t want to be diagnosed and immediately put on medication. Sadly the only way i’m able to get the treatment i want (DBT) is by going through the motions, starting with my GP…

A fear of being emotionally unavailable to my future children

This one is related to the above paragraph. When i have strong emotions or reactions to events, i enter a “zombie state” where i am unavailable, uncooperative and generally a bit of a bitch. I can also deteriorate into this state by either accidentally or purposefully isolating myself from others for a prolonged period of time (aka having a day off work with no plans when Tom is working or away). I feel very sorry that Tom has to deal with this version of me and he’s said before that it’s heartbreaking. It can last anywhere from 5 minutes to 15 hours and i find it nearly impossible to ‘snap out of it’ without external help (aka someone intervening).
We aren’t planning on starting a family just yet, as Tom keeps saying: “house first!”, but as it’s something in the not so distant future, it’s a creeping worry for me that i will still be emotionally unavailable. I’m sure lots of parents will tell me not to fret and that nothing could crush your love for your children etc. I wish i could fully believe them but you hear horrible stories of neglectful mothers and i know how horrible my brain can be sometimes. Take the rats for example: i love those sweet little puddings so much. They’re fantastic and playing with them always makes me feel better, especially when they give me kisses and run up to the cage to greet me. But i can’t always get that far. Some days i can’t even bear to look at them because having something that loves me try to get affection from me feels like glass through my heart. Then comes the guilt of not getting them out to play and the disgust at myself and self pity and it can easily spiral from there. I guess i can’t really compare my pet rats to a child, but it’s the only similar relationship i have to work from.

All in all, it’s fucking terrifying being an adult.

L x

20s · babies · Body Positive · childhood · ramble · reflection · twenties

Boys shouldn’t wear makeup

I got home from work today and decided to spend a couple of hours watching The Secret Life of 4, 5 and 6 Year Olds and play Sims 4.
It’s a great show and i always find it interesting to see what children talk about with others their own age.

Today’s episode was a little different though. There was an experiment in which they were paired off and had to dress up like a married couple, and at the end they were told about a twist in which they would have to swap outfits and essentially dress up as the opposite sex.
A scary percentage of the children (mainly the girls surprisingly!) were making fun of the boys and saying that ‘boys shouldn’t wear dresses or makeup’ and it got me thinking.
The programme has little segments introducing a few of the kids’ families and most are in or around my age range, or at least around Tom’s (21-35). This is essentially my generation that are still teaching our children gender stereotypes and that inanimate objects can be only for a certain group of people. I find this really unhealthy and quite worrying!

I suppose it’s impossible for me to understand how you could be so closed minded about what toys and clothes your children can have because i’m someone who will give pretty much anything a go once and i’m a huge hippie (without the cultural appropriation/dreads).
But what benefit can you see from putting a child in a box and forcing it to act a certain way? As a kid i loved Barbie and horses and Polly Pocket, but i also enjoyed catching spiders and keeping them as a pet in a tissue box and playing make believe games because i was ALWAYS the boy/husband and learning how to play football with my Dad on Colwick Park. Haven’t we learnt anything? Repressing feelings only leads to resentment, unhappiness and an extreme pressure to act a certain way.

I find it painful to see 5 year olds already dictating to others about what they “should” and “shouldn’t” do and although society will play some part in that, i can’t help but look at the parents and wonder why. It’s inevitably something passed down through generations and i understand that traditional families still exist but it just doesn’t feel like we’ve learnt anything. Surely there’s enough hate and stress in the world already without adding in this expectation, this list of rules that you have to stick to for the rest of your life and if you don’t then you’re abnormal and weird and will be taunted and bullied…

I have quite a clear vision of the type of parent i want to be someday. It’s a mix of picking out the really good ideas my own parents have, learning from the mistakes they made and refusing to make them myself and things i have seen other parents do on Instagram/YouTube/blogs. Nothing would make me happier than seeing my future son having the time of his life in an Elsa dress and no strangers feel the need to make comments, or a daughter that follows her dream and becomes an expert mechanic (quite likely with her genetics to be honest!). Fortunately this is something i know Tom and i will agree on. I don’t know whether that’s upbringing or simply that we’re quite weird ourselves, but i’m completely determined that whatever humans we create will be self confident and free to be whoever they want to be.

L x

ramble

Millennial me

I’ve changed and developed a lot over the past few years. Even if i still feel like a 13 year old wearing grown up clothing, i am technically an adult.

When i was growing up, everything was still quite old fashioned. Weddings were done in a certain way – you’d be expected to wear a full length white dress and invite the entirety of both your families and god forbid if you didn’t. All children went to public school unless you had the money to send them to private school, where they normally focused even more so on grades rather than personal development and creativity and happiness. Your house was decorated a certain way and should always be perfect for guests coming round. Kink was probably just as prevalent but no one really discussed it as openly. Being bisexual was pretty much a myth or only occurred in porn.

I believe the major factor in the world changing so much is the internet. I grew up alongside the internet, from when it was only used for information and hardly anyone had a home computer anyway, to now, an absolute gold mine of facts and opinions and footage. It meant i was able to hear other people’s stories and experiences. It gave me the freedom to express myself and learn and grow as a person in so many ways.
It turned me into the hippie i am today!
I don’t think the world wide web can take all the credit for that though…i mean…i’m the daughter of two rockers born in the 60’s, it was inevitable.

It’s interesting because Tom’s quite old fashioned in some respects. I guess that’s a side effect of him being older, but we’re well balanced. It’s very rare i have strong feelings about something and when i do, he usually takes my side (and visa versa). I can’t see any issues between him and myself arising, but it’s a possibility with others.

We millennials have a lot of pressure on us. We all want to change the world and i think we will. Our crippling depression and lack of funding doesn’t make it any easier, but just think, someday we will be the generation in power! The current leaders of the world will be elderly or in care homes and we will finally have control. When that eventually happens, i hope we don’t fuck it up.

I want to live in a world where i can wear a short, champagne fucking wedding dress and send my kids to a Steiner school and not feel this pressure from the rest of the world to conform, or that i’m some special snowflake trying to be different when in reality, i’m just doing what makes me happy.

L x

 

ramble

2016 – a summary

I did a post similar to this last January called “2016”. In hindsight i should’ve named it 2015..

Anyway, these are all the things that happened to me in 2016!

I moved shops twice. I went on holiday for the first time in 10 years, to Mijas with Tom and his family. I got blind drunk in Fuengirola and threw up on myself and all over the bathroom. Ants ate my sick. I left my horrible ex boyfriend. I moved in with one of my best friends. I unofficially moved in with Tom. I bought 4 pet rats. I got drunk way too much. I visited Liverpool, Scarborough, Skegness and Manchester. I had cocktails in the Cloud 23 bar at the Hilton (the bill came to ¬£70). I put up a Christmas tree from scratch by myself. I attended a wedding. I went to Alton Towers twice. I did 3 scaremazes and only screamed 305892 times. I started learning how to drive. I got given a car for Christmas. I met the person i’m going to marry. I got acrylic nails for the first time. I got a new tattoo. I tried camembert for the first time. I stood in the DJ box at a nightclub for the first time. I proceeded to do this around 10 more times. I went to a water park and hated it. I celebrated my 23rd birthday with a family meal and getting absolutely shitfaced in town the following weekend. I voted to stay in the EU. I had my first espresso martini. I played with a puppy. I had another Playmobil advent calendar. I tried to cook more. I managed to wangle Christmas Eve AND Boxing Day off work. I spent most of Christmas day with my family and the latter part with Tom’s family. We went to Whitby on Boxing Day and got blown about on the pier.

A lot of ups and downs this year. Here’s hoping 2017 is more stable and just as exciting.

ramble

Love is

Love is the overwhelming, constant fear of the other person dying and how you will be expected to deal with that.

Love is letting them choose what movie to watch, even if it’s one you don’t like.

Love is pushing past your fatigue to make them breakfast.

Love is wanting to better yourself.

Love is looking at them and knowing they’ll make a great parent one day.

Love is feeling smug about your own happiness.

Love is talking about your issues for hours.

Love is neither of you being embarrassed about bodily functions.

Love is staying in bed until 1pm on a Sunday telling jokes.

Love is shedding a few tears when they go away with work for 3 days.

Love is seeing them at their absolute worst and still being completely infatuated with them.

Love is keeping no secrets.

Love is matching Christmas pyjamas.

Love is washing their underwear.

Love is recognising each other’s demons and working together to beat them.

Love is offering to fetch them from work.

Love is asking them about their day.

Love is you bragging about your other half’s achievements to your friends and family.

Love is no fear of commitment because they’re the right person.

Love is soppy drunken talks over a tray of chips and gravy.

Love is wishing you found them sooner.

Love is receiving joint Christmas cards.

Love is pushing each other to be the best person they can be.

Love is honest talks about upsetting or confusing behaviour.

Love is having the guts to apologise.

These are some of the things that love means to me.

L x

20s · broody · ramble · twenties · Uncategorized

Love

There’s been several times in my life when I thought I was in love. I’m not talking about love for my family or friends or Harry Potter. I mean actual love for another non-related human in a romantic sense.

I said I was in love when I was dating my first long term boyfriend. We were 15 and pretty smitten with each other.

I said I was in love again when I was “the other woman” in my first girl/girl relationship. It was exciting and turbulent.

I’ve been wrong every single time until now.

This wasn’t love at first sight. Our first face to face encounter was at my workplace. He came in to buy beer and I served him. Our second meeting involved me stumbling out of a taxi in a tiny red dress, looking at him and thinking “oh good, he’s as tall as he said he was!” I proceeded to get horrendously drunk and try to convince him to come back to mine at 2 in the morning to meet my rats, despite having work at 6am. It still wasn’t love on our second date (we always count this as date 1 and 1/2). He drove me around in his car to Bakewell and back and we chatted. He gave me my first ever bottle of smart water. Date 3 (or 2 and 1/2) was a meal at an Indian restaurant in town. He kept checking his smart watch which I found a little rude and the date had to end at 10pm because he had work. I was disgruntled because I’d worn a very low cut top and it hadn’t convinced him to skive off.

And then something changed for both of us. Neither of us know when or why, but suddenly dating other people wasn’t an option. He asked me out officially via text when he was drunk on a stag do in Dublin. We started seeing each other more and more; eventually we spent some time just being at home chatting rather than getting drunk. I remember this one night when I was supposed to be getting dropped off at mine – we ended up talking for over 3 hours and we told each other secrets we hadn’t told anyone else. I gave him puppy dog eyes until he agreed to let me sleepover. 

Now I’m laid in his bed, although I should technically call it our bed because I’ve only been “home” once in the past 3 weeks. I’m alone because he’s down south for work until Wednesday. I nearly cried infront his entire family yesterday when he left and I cried when I got back to the empty flat last night. I always find the first night the hardest and now I’m laid here for the second time, all I feel is a need for him to be next to me. He annoys me when he snores and he steals the covers and makes me jump when he touches/cuddles me in my sleep but it isn’t the same without him here. 

I’m a grown adult – well, most of the time – and I’m perfectly capable of managing without his physical presence but it feels like half of me is missing. I don’t feel like a whole person without him. 

I’ve never experienced this before. Sure I’ve missed people and wished they were there but this is so different. And that’s part of how I know this is it. He’s “the one”. 

I used to be super cynical of anyone who said l that but I get it now. All the terrible cheesy love songs make sense. I get why people would get married and commit forever. Something has clicked in my head and it’s never clicking off again.