20s · ramble · twenties

Driving test

This morning i woke up nearly chundering from the nerves of it all.
Alas, my driving test was only several hours and i had visions of crashing or just losing it completely!

Laura (my instructor/friend/soon to be sister-in-law) picked me up and we had 30-40 minutes driving around the block, in which i slightly ballsed up every manoeuvre we practised. I topped this off by completely messing up my reverse bay park by being too far left and failing to get it into reverse properly – cue a loud crunch.
Shook this off and refused to make eye contact with the 5 or so people watching, and headed inside.
A quick pre-drive pee and my examiner came in to get me! He was nicer than i expected, explained everything fully with details and chatted to me briefly while we walked. He also asked me the easiest ‘Show Me, Tell Me’ questions (fault with ABS and demisting the windscreens) and chose one of the easiest manoeuvres (turn in the road).

The actual driving was pretty normal! There were a few moments where i was unsure of the speed, especially as the roads felt like they should’ve been slower or faster than 30, but i didn’t get marked down for speeding so my assumptions were correct!
I received 4 minors. One for failing to signal at the correct time coming up to a roundabout (i moved over to the right fairly late and it just completely slipped my mind until i had already pulled out), one for positioning (i chose to pull up next to someone’s drive, but in my defence the entire road was full of drives!), one for mirrors (i expected a lot more for this so i’m chuffed with that) and one for forward planning (failed to pull into the right lane to turn off because there were loads of cars in that lane and i didn’t think anyone would let me in, so i didn’t even try).

So yeah, the good news is – i passed!!!! Laura and i jumped and squealed and hugged each other when he told us and then celebrated with lunch!

For someone who said they would never drive, i’m chuffed i managed to do it within 10 months of starting driving lessons, especially as i haven’t had regular weekly lessons since April!
Unfortunately it’s unlikely i’ll be able to insure my car until i get paid at the end of the month, but that’s only just over 2 weeks away!

Here’s my serious “nice” photo, and the silly one we took first when i thought Laura was taking the picture from the back of the car (okay, i’m a div sometimes).

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L x

depression · ramble · reflection · twenties

January rambles

January is off to a weird start so far.

I had a driving lesson last week – probably my most successful so far. I only stalled once in 2 hours, and that was because i had turned around in my seat to look (and swear loudly) at a tree in the middle of the road adjacent, hadn’t noticed i was going uphill and hadn’t put enough gas on. There was also a moment that had me in tears of laughter after Laura (my instructor/Tom’s sister) told me to do a 3 point turn and “show the other learner how it’s done!” (one was pulled up nearby), to which i tried and failed to get into the reverse gear and caused a loud crunching. I ended up pulling over for 5 minutes while i tried to get a grip. Classic me!
The good news is Laura said she thinks i only need to master a couple more things before she’s happy for me to go out in my own car with Tom. So hopefully next month i’ll get my car (still unnamed) insured and MOT’d and taxed and i’ll be able to tootle about, with Tom of course.

This weekend just gone has been a difficult one however. Friday night at work was decent, i had a lot of laughs with some of the lads and i was looking forward to a day off Saturday. Tom didn’t work Friday night as he sometimes does so we were able to wake up at a respectable time. We spent the entire day Saturday lounging on the sofa watching Game of Thrones – i think we did 7 or 8 hours of it? It was a fun, relaxing day until we stopped. As soon as we stopped watching tele and Tom started to think about getting ready for work, my mood just dropped. I don’t remember much of that night but i know i was being stroppy, inconsolable, moody, irritable and distant to begin with. The last thing i did before i went to sleep was write down how i was feeling. It started with talking about how i wanted to die. This is something i still feel from time to time, it ebbs and flows over the years but there’s always a tiny part of me that thinks “this is too hard, i don’t want to keep trying to survive when it would be so easy to give up”. I’m not sure if this is something that will fade over time, or if being with Tom will help eventually or if i need some form of counselling or medication. Usually i can keep a lid on it but it all came storming out this weekend. Sunday morning, i opened my eyes and realised i still felt exactly the same. I hadn’t managed to sleep it off and i felt completely disconnected to the rest of the world. Tom noticed and pushed me to tell him what was wrong. Fortunately i had told him the previous night that when i try to push people away, i actually need them to be closer than ever. He wouldn’t drop it and bless him he was really great. We tried some things to draw me out and they worked…in a fashion. At 1pm i was in streams of tears, head laid on his chest and i talked about how it’s not fair on him or anyone else to love me – everyone gives me so much and i can’t give anything back. And how i don’t understand why sometimes i don’t want to be here when i thought i would stop feeling like that when i left my ex. He listened and comforted and eventually i was able to get up and get ready for work. It took me 4 hours of my 8 hour shift to stop feeling so emotionally exhausted, but eventually i did feel a bit better.

And today i woke up, relatively normal for me. Had a decent day at work. Got home and ate some Weetabix and watched a few Youtube videos and started to write this.

I’m trying not to take this as a bad omen for this year. I’ve not really got any plans for the year yet, apart from Tom and i going away in June for our anniversary, but i don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’m the Queen of planning – it lessens my anxiety and keeps me organised, but i do enjoy being spontaneous too.

This time last year, i wanted to be dead all day every day.
This year, i feel like that maybe once every few weeks?
Who knows what next year will bring.

L x

ramble · twenties · Uncategorized

Cars and Christmas

I’m very proud of myself right now.
I had my third driving lesson yesterday. We went on the main road and Laura said “right there’s a roundabout coming up” and i thought ‘oh shit’, but i was fine!
Apart from not steering as much as i should’ve been and stalling 4 times in a row at a mini roundabout. Oh and the reason i was stalling was because i was trying to set off too quickly. She reckons i’m gonna’ be a speeder hahaha OOPS.
Roundabouts were my 2nd biggest fear when it comes to driving so i’m really chuffed at myself that i managed it. And i did around 5 of them too!

The second thing i’m proud of myself for is cooking dinner tonight. Tom was at work and i’ve had 2 days off, so i tidied his flat and settled down on the sofa watching Disney World vlogs (surprise surprise) and looking on Google for recipes. I ended up deciding on chicken, bacon and spinach cheesy quesadillas with baked sweet potato.
Okay so it took longer than it should’ve (around 40 minutes) but i’ve never made it before – infact i think i’ve only cooked raw chicken fillets once? We both enjoyed it and hopefully won’t get food poisoning in the next 48 hours…

Back to car talk, after driving yesterday i said to Tom how i wished i had a practice car to play about in when i’m more confident on the road. He brought up his other car, the one that’s been sat in his parent’s drive for months, gathering dust. He offered it to me for Xmas if i wanted it! I feel really weird about accepting such a big gift, so in my head i’m saying i have it on indefinite loan. I’d need to get tax and MOT it and insurance etc but we looked at right now as a learner it would be £55 a month insurance which is doable!
So yeah… i kind of have a car – sort of!

Myself, Tom, Laura and Chris (Tom’s sister and brother-in-law) are off to Alton Towers scarefest this Sunday!! Our slot for the mazes is 4pm, so i think we’re heading there for around lunchtime. I’m definitely going to get picked on by the actors because i’ll be screaming A LOT. Exciting though!

Right now i’m laid on my sofa, listening to the Frozen soundtrack and wishing my toes weren’t so cold. I refuse to have the heating on continuously when it’s only October!
I can’t wait to go back to Disney World some day. Maybe 2018 – next year wouldn’t give me much time to save up and it’s something you want plenty of spending money for.
Disney just feels like something i need to do. I was so excited from January last year up until we found out in August that we couldn’t go.
I just want to go while i’m still young and free and able to go on all the big rides without worrying about small humans.

I may or may not have just put my Christmas Spotify playlist on….
I’m just so damn festive already!
My snowflake window stickers arrived today, so i’m hoping the rest of October and November go fast so i can decorate the house.

Janine (my housemate) has agreed to co-host a double date Christmas dinner party with me around the middle of December.
Now i know i can kind of cook, i can offer my services as her Assistant Chef.

Another rambly post. I hope you enjoy regardless!

 

ramble · reflecting · reflection · twenties

Driving lessons and rats

I’ve done it, i’ve had my first ever driving lesson!
Something i thought would never happen and definitely not something i thought i would enjoy so much.
Tom (boyfriend) took charge of my aversion and booked a lesson with his sister Laura (she’s a driving instructor) and told me to at least try it. I thought being pushed into it would make me freak out and i’d end up breaking down in hysterical and extremely embarrassing tears but i actually had fun!!

I was super nervous beforehand and genuinely felt like i was going to puke. The 10 minutes before she was due to pick me up i just sat on the sofa staring into space, trying to calm the hell down and not have a freakin’ panic attack before i’d even gotten into the car.
But weirdly once i’d done my first start and stop, i was fine. I think i was too busy concentrating on the road and trying to remember everything to let my anxiety in.

I did a couple of start/stops, a few corners and junctions, 2 gear changes, an uphill start and only stalled 3 times..
Apparently that’s normal, though i’m a little disappointed because i wanted to be amazing and get through my first lesson without stalling once. I guess that’s too much to ask. Maybe next time.

Tom’s going to Wales tomorrow morning overnight for work and i’m working 6 late shifts in a row.
Yaaaaay…
Last night i was saying to him that i can’t wait for this stage of our lives to be over. It’s hard sometimes not living super close to one another (it takes about 40 minutes on the tram, 20 in the car) and with us both working conflicting rotas all the time. That’s more my fault though, his shifts are the same each week whereas mine change every week. It’s something i have a love hate relationship with. It stops you from getting Monday blues because sometimes i might be off on a Tuesday, but it means i usually work weekends.
I’m just looking forward to coming home to each other. Hopefully at a decent time by then, i hate finishing work at 11pm.
We also talked about our favourite names (i’m not pregnant! Just female) and he hates 90% of mine!! I’m shocked and offended that he hates Aurora and Luna.
Ah well, future-us will deal with that.

The Autumn Ball works do is coming up in a couple of weeks. I need to stay away from wine this time round. I can’t remember much of the Spring Ball if i’m honest..

In other news, i gave the rats some chicken bones for the first time and they went mental. Absolutely LOVED them.
They really have come on a long way since i got them at the start of June. All can be handled without biting, Arya only bites occasionally – usually a warning nip if i try play fighting with her – and Astrid is starting to come out of the box at playtime to explore my bed.
They’re also all comfortable with Janine (housemate) now which is fantastic, especially for if i go away again or stay at Tom’s for more than one night.

Do you guys prefer these personal rambly posts or do you like my opinion ones more? I feel like noone would be interested in my life enough to read this blog if i posted in a diary style. Let me know in the comments!

Lora x