ramble

A weekend in April

This weekend has been absolutely what I needed after my horrible couple of weeks!

On Friday, Tom and I went for drinks in town together. Lots of cocktails and vodka was consumed and I felt the ultimate power couple when we got some slaughtered douche bag thrown out of West Street Live after Tom stopped him from constantly bumping into my table and he started gobbing off at him. We (surprisingly) didn’t fall out until the end of the night when I was being drunken and mardy because he wouldn’t let me buy chips and gravy in town. We made up about 10 minutes later and slept until 1pm (also unsurprising as we didn’t actually get in until 5am..).

The Saturday was Roy’s (Tom’s Dad’s) birthday and Tom had agreed to help his brother-in-law Chris to set up a swing set for Ashleigh (Tom’s 2 year old niece/Chris and Laura’s daughter), so after I’d finished throwing up my hangover and had nearly launched myself and my McDonalds out the car after a wasp flew in through a window, we made it to Chris and Laura’s for around 3pm. Laura and I helped a little, but mainly just watched the lads work while we sat and chatted and laughed. Kath and Roy (Tom and Laura’s parents) made it round for teatime and cooked steak, jacket potatoes, salad, grilled cheese tomatoes and onion rings. Tom and I headed back just after 8pm and watched Goblet of Fire.

Tom had agreed to take me to White Post Farm on Sunday and we had planned to lie in until around 10am and then head off at 11. Instead I woke up at 6.45am and Tom woke up at 8am, so we had coffee, toast with jam and realised it would make sense to invite Laura, Chris and Ashleigh to the farm with us. We arranged to meet them there at 11am (we were 15 minutes late, they were 35 minutes late) and we had a wonderful day petting animals! Laura and I used Ashleigh as an excuse to go in the kid’s soft play area and amazingly didn’t get stuck in it. I fell out of my plastic toboggan-thing on the turf ski slope and Tom got a video of it. Tom got peed on by a tiny mouse. It was a great day! 

Now I’ve got several hours of cleaning the house ahead of me that I’m not looking forward to – it’s somehow turned into a bomb site again since Friday afternoon – and I’ve got an interview tomorrow that I’m a bit nervous for, but I wanted to document that however dire life can feel sometimes, especially when everything is going wrong, there’s always some good to be found.

Here’s photos from said weekend with captions underneath:

(I apologise they’re in reverse order and I have no idea why?)

Holding a chick at White Post Farm
Looking at the goats
Ashleigh and myself (this one makes me so broody)
Feeding the lambs
A slightly serious looking Laura and myself
Roy and Ashleigh
Tom helping Ashleigh with her new bike
Laura and Ashleigh
Tom playing with Ashleigh on Saturday
 
A bathroom selfie in Brewdog
Tom and myself in West Street Live

ramble

Doctors, work and mental health

Today i registered at the local Doctor. I have my initial assessment with the nurse next Tuesday to get weighed and my blood pressure taken etc.
I also couldn’t face work again, thanks to a mix of my foot giving me grief and my brain hating me.
I went to the minor injuries unit yesterday about my foot. It turns out my poor choice in footwear has damaged the arch and that’s why it’s causing me pain. I’m expecting my orthotic insoles to arrive today and hopefully solve that problem.

As for my brain, joining a GP in Sheffield is a step in the right direction. It’s likely to be a long, unpleasant journey and one that will be hard to walk.
For the past few months i’ve felt like i’ve only just been keeping a lid on everything. I’ve been desperately grasping at the normality in my life, trying to stop it from slipping between my fingers, but now it all seems to be getting away from me.

It’s hard to talk about it here. Well, anywhere really.
It’s even harder thinking of how to explain it to people who have never experienced it or known anyone who has. I think it’s easy for a lot of people to confuse the word ‘can’t’ with ‘won’t’. Mental health is still brushed under the carpet a lot, or romanticised for being ‘beautifully tragic’ but as soon as it manifests in a way that stops someone from doing “what they’re supposed to do”, it suddenly “doesn’t exist” or that person is told to get over it/man up/toughen up. I very much wish i was making mine up, but it’s as real as anything.

To an outsider looking in, i was doing pretty well. I’d been a manager for a year and a half in 4 different stores (Sainsbos liked to move you around a lot). I was having a few issues mentally but when have i ever not? I don’t know what the catalyst was; maybe it was all the pressure from family and work and myself to succeed.

Somebody asked me recently if i was afraid of failure.
I told them possibly…everyone has some fear of failing, that’s only natural, but i don’t think my fear is more intense than anyone else’s.
They then asked if i was afraid of success.
I wasn’t sure how to answer that one.
Maybe i am afraid of success. There haven’t been many occasions where i’ve actually succeeded at things. Maybe i’m just incredibly good at self sabotaging (i think we know already that one’s true). Maybe it’s just time for me to go in a different direction with work and not beat myself up about it.

What i do know is that i need help, and another job.

L x

depression · obsessive compulsive disorder · ocd · ramble · rats · reflecting · self harm · twenties

Things i’m most afraid of

All of my life i’ve been afraid of something.
Mostly irrational fears, like being scared of the dark until i was around 19 and still feeling claustrophobic about it even now.
When i was between 10 and 12 my cousin played an online video game that i believe was in a room escape style while i watched out of the corner of my eye. I remember feeling anxious even though i wasn’t playing or watching properly. In the game, he passed an open door with a mirror angled slightly towards the character’s POV. A dark hooded figure swept past the mirror’s reflection and thus began my fear of mirrors for around 8-10 years.
My OCD happily latched onto this image, which is probably the reason it became such an intense phobia for me, and i used to have rituals if i needed to interact with a mirror in any way.

I’ve sort of grown out of some of my fears as i’ve gotten older. I say ‘sort of’ because i still feel some level of anxiety around them but nowhere near the extreme they used to be.
My fears and worries nowadays tend to be just as irrational for being unfounded but more appropriate for my life, desires and happiness.

A fear of being infertile/having fertility problems 

This one has plagued me for approx 3 years now. I guess it started with myself and a past partner being stupid with contraception. It certainly wasn’t ever a plan to have a baby that early in our relationship but my period still hadn’t returned since stopping the Depo-Provera injection a year previous, so i made an assumption that “it would all be okay”. I know that tends to be the famous last words for a large amount of people but oddly it wasn’t for us. Even after my period returned and we were still sloppy and irresponsible, we never had so much of a scare and my periods kept coming like clockwork. Fast forward to now and i’ve had one scare when it came a day late. I’m hoping i’m just really good at my method of natural birth control by closely tracking my fertile periods, but i’m stuck between not wanting a baby right now and being happy that i’ve not accidentally gotten pregnant, and being terrified that i can’t get pregnant in the first place.

A fear of my partner dying

I suppose this is one that most people have, although my fears easily turn into obsessions that take over my brain. Tom works away a lot and he always drives, so my main worry is that he gets in an accident. This is probably fueled by my experiences of being in 3 car accidents before i turned 16. Logically i know he’s a great driver and has a ton of experience but that does very little to soothe me. I can’t imagine how parents must feel about their children if this is the level of anxiety i can achieve from my healthy, grown up, highly-capable-of-surviving partner dying.

A fear of my mental health deteriorating or never improving

It’s becoming clear that i’ve reached the end of my ability to deal with my mental health alone. I haven’t visited a Dr about it since 2011 and my dealings with them were less than useful. Those close to me keep telling me to speak to a professional about things and it is something i know i need to do, but i’m still a little hesitant. It scares me to think that i might always be this way or worse. It has an effect on every aspect of my life including work and relationships with others. It already stops me from doing certain things and causes other people pain. I can’t remember how long exactly i’ve felt this way but i know it’s a really long time, at least 4 years. Obviously i’m not a Dr or any kind of healthcare professional, but i have my suspicions on what the diagnosis could be. That’s part of the reason i’m still debating whether to seek help or not – i don’t want to be diagnosed and immediately put on medication. Sadly the only way i’m able to get the treatment i want (DBT) is by going through the motions, starting with my GP…

A fear of being emotionally unavailable to my future children

This one is related to the above paragraph. When i have strong emotions or reactions to events, i enter a “zombie state” where i am unavailable, uncooperative and generally a bit of a bitch. I can also deteriorate into this state by either accidentally or purposefully isolating myself from others for a prolonged period of time (aka having a day off work with no plans when Tom is working or away). I feel very sorry that Tom has to deal with this version of me and he’s said before that it’s heartbreaking. It can last anywhere from 5 minutes to 15 hours and i find it nearly impossible to ‘snap out of it’ without external help (aka someone intervening).
We aren’t planning on starting a family just yet, as Tom keeps saying: “house first!”, but as it’s something in the not so distant future, it’s a creeping worry for me that i will still be emotionally unavailable. I’m sure lots of parents will tell me not to fret and that nothing could crush your love for your children etc. I wish i could fully believe them but you hear horrible stories of neglectful mothers and i know how horrible my brain can be sometimes. Take the rats for example: i love those sweet little puddings so much. They’re fantastic and playing with them always makes me feel better, especially when they give me kisses and run up to the cage to greet me. But i can’t always get that far. Some days i can’t even bear to look at them because having something that loves me try to get affection from me feels like glass through my heart. Then comes the guilt of not getting them out to play and the disgust at myself and self pity and it can easily spiral from there. I guess i can’t really compare my pet rats to a child, but it’s the only similar relationship i have to work from.

All in all, it’s fucking terrifying being an adult.

L x

lora's favourites

Lora’s Favourites: Disney Films

Hello all! I’m back with another of Lora’s Favourites. It’s nearly midnight as i’m writing this and watching Moana has given me inspiration so here we go…

In no particular order (apart from #1 is my all time favourite)……..

  1. Tangled – I saw this one in the cinema with Mum when it first came out and completely fell in love! The style of animation, the plot and the characters, absolutely incredible and i love Rapunzel because even though she does fall in love with Flynn, that isn’t the main purpose of her story.
  2. The Aristocats – My favourite from my childhood, i even had a Marie cake once. Stil hate Edgar now.
  3. Lilo and Stitch – A recent favourite and probably the one on this list i’ve seen the least, i’ve developed an obsession with anything Stitch and i find Lilo hilarious. The soundtrack is underrated too.
  4. Beauty and The Beast – Is it weird to have a crush on The Beast? Totally normal right?….
  5. The Little Mermaid – Another one i grew up with, i actually thought Ursula as a human was so much prettier than Ariel.
  6. The Lion King – A classic, how could it not be on my list? Everyone loves Simba.
  7. Brave – My Dad’s favourite and a fabulously fresh plot for Disney, Merida is a bad ass bitch.
  8. Frozen – I actually wasn’t a fan of Frozen until about a year after it had been released. Now, like every other Disney fan, i know all the words to the songs and can’t resist singing along if someone plays them.
  9. Tarzan – Outstanding soundtrack, hilarious characters and lots of neck tingling moments.
  10. Enchanted – Highly underrated and the only real life one on my list, i like that the movie takes the piss out of itself and the music is great.

‘Til next time!

L x

ramble · self harm

I think i have BPD

It’s something that’s been swimming around in my mind for a few months now, after Tom asked me if i thought i had Bipolar Disorder. At the time i’d had a couple of bad months mental health-wise and so i looked it up. I quickly realised that no, that wasn’t it at all. My mood swings lasted minutes to hours, not days and weeks. Sure i had both mania and depressive states, ranging from jumping around the kitchen laughing or singing to hysterically crying and lashing out at loved ones, but i could flit back and forth, like somebody flicking a switch.
I ended up on a webpage listing the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and, sorry to be generic, it was like a lightbulb came on.

For years i’ve spoken about how my alleged ‘depression’ feels like nothing. My natural state is to be emotionless, to have no strong opinions on the majority of things and generally be quite chilled. Some of my old friends used to joke that i was emotionless, especially as it was coupled with my dislike for being touched.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment that it changed, i think it must’ve evolved over time.

As well as the mood swings, i get this intense, almost overwhelming anger over nothing. I overreact hugely to the weirdest and smallest of situations. I have episodes of disassociation where i can’t feel any of the bonds with the people i love and i don’t even recognise my own face.  Sometimes i want everything now – to be married and have babies and everything that comes with it – and i think it’s because it gives us a tie that’s harder to break if Tom leaves. We have each other on an app that shows our location for safety reasons and whenever he’s away for work i obsessively stalk him because i’m terrified that he’s going to be killed or have an accident. I never have any money left at the end of the month because i frivel it all on stupid shit. I was a self harmer for years and spoke in my previous post about suicidal thoughts and actions like counting all the painkillers in the cupboards.

I tick all of the boxes – except for the fact that i’ve never let my anger explode outwardly.

I’m not one to self diagnose but this doesn’t seem like something i can ignore. I’m just not sure how to approach the Doctor about it.
Would it be better to be honest, or to just ask for a referral for a psychiatrist?

L x

 

depression · ramble · self harm

The pit (TW: suicidal thoughts)

I spent 2 hours last night looking at articles, reviews and advice online about how many co codomal tablets it would take to kill you. 

I took them out the cupboard and put them into piles of full sheets and half empty sheets. 

I forced myself to put them back in their box and into the cupboard instead of leaving them on the kitchen side like I wanted.

Last week I had a breakdown. Tom said it was heartbreaking. I said mean things. That’s pretty much all I can remember, besides the crying and incessant voice in my head telling me to smash my skull against the wall opposite because that was the only way it would shut it up. 

I didn’t.

Today started off okay. And now everyone is asleep and I’ll be awake until 4am again staring at the ceiling and wondering why is this so hard sometimes. 

It terrifies me that sometimes I want to die and it terrifies me even more that no one is ever going to let me. That I’m probably always going to have somebody stopping me and it always will stop me because the pain it would cause them is too much for me to even consider. I wish it would stop me thinking about it in the first place. But it doesn’t.

Tom wants me to “see a professional” hahaha. That worked out so well last time. They told me I wasn’t depressed, but that I did have anxiety issues and OCD. Apparently self harm and an overdose and recreational drugs aren’t enough to warrant a label so bold as depressed!

And so what if that happens again, what if I go to the psych and they tell me I’m perfectly normal because my fucking social anxiety portrays me as this lovely, polite, sane young lady who giggles all the time. What do I do, record myself when I disappear for 5 hours inside my head? FaceTime her when I’m hysterical because my boyfriend told me I didn’t need to accompany him to his Dr’s appointment because he’d only be 10 minutes??

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, I’m supposed to be over the moon happy and content and someone who potters about the house reading and playing games and occasionally tidying up and talking to people. Not this shell of a human who stares into space for 20 minutes but thinks it was 20 seconds and cries at least 3 times a day and constantly isolates herself.

Am I crazy? I ask myself that question a lot. I never really know the answer. Isn’t everyone a bit crazy? But surely some crazy’s are worse than others. 

All I know is that I’m in a deep black pit and I can’t find a way of pulling myself out.

ramble

Spring

It’s the first day of Spring and i nearly lost all the mail out of our mailbox when i prised it open with a screwdriver thanks to the gale-force winds.
Fortunately i caught them just in time and was able to collect my New Look parcel from Flat 3 (i lost my trust for those two when it took 2 weeks for them to give me a package i ordered last Christmas and now i feel like i need proof of delivery whenever they’ve accepted my mail).

It’s been a crazy couple of days rat-wise. Tom and i travelled to Surrey on Sunday to pick up a Double Critter Nation he bought on Ebay. 6 hours travelling in an uncomfortable van – i can think of better ways to spend a day off..
But the rats are happy and i have a cage that will last a lifetime and is a million times easier to clean!

We also think Arya is pregnant, thanks to Ned flinging himself out my arms to hump her 11 days ago. The problem is, she’s always been fat so it’s hard to tell if it’s babies or yogies.

And the worrying news is that i found two lumps on Astrid under one of her nipples. I phoned the Vets this afternoon and i’ve got a consultation tomorrow at 4.20pm, so i think i’m going to take Brienne along for the ride to keep her company. Those two are best friends and Bri is the least scared of new environments.

It’s 2 weeks until i start my new job and it’s actually quite a scary prospect. I’m very used to moving shops and having to introduce myself to new people, and i suppose this will be easier because everyone will be new (seeing as the store isn’t actually built yet!), but getting a new job means taking a bit of a risk. I have a 6 month probation, whereas at Sainsbos it only lasted 3 months, and i think i’ll be feeling the pressure until that half a year is over.

I booked my theory test today! Hurrah!! I can’t wait to be able to drive by myself. I love my driving lessons with Laura but we haven’t learnt anything new in a while and it gets a bit boring sometimes.

Tom and i are going to Cyprus this September with his family. Very exciting! I’ve never been to Cyprus before and everyone’s warned me that it’s very hot.

I’m off to watch ThatcherJoe’s latest GTA video and possibly play SimCity.

L x