family · ramble

Christmas 2017

This one’s gonna’ be a photo heavy post.

I basically had 3 Christmas’s this year.
It started on Friday the 22nd when i stayed over at Kirsty’s with both our mums. We had an early Christmas dinner and played The Logo Game which was hilaaaaarious. Auntie Jan won, which was a surprise in itself because she’s usually a bit pants at games vs us three!

Kirsty and i played Mariokart, some card games on the DS and then chatted for an hour or so about relationships and life until we finally both passed out in the early hours.

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First Christmas dinner! We had lamb
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I’m so in love with my pink hair
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Momma Bear!
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Andddd a silly one
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Thoroughly enjoyed this year’s snapchat filters
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My moustache was wonky?

The next day, i stole some of Kirsty’s Kylie lippy and buggered off to Nanny’s. Nanny and i watched the first Harry Potter, i had a cheeky fried egg cob and off i went to Dad’s. There i was forcefed pizza (despite having it the morning before and the night before that) and we watched Crocodile Dundee.

I don’t think we did anything at all on Christmas Eve, besides Tom having to pop to Tesco to buy a ham for the next day.

Christmas morning arrived and i was refreshed……NOOOOOT. I’d been unable to sleep until around 3am and had woken up randomly at 7.50am. I could pretend it was the excitement of the day, but it was more financial stresses that weedled their way into my brain in the early hours of Christmas Day and wouldn’t leave until i’d contemplated them for a good 2 hours.

Tom’s present to me hadn’t arrived yet (thanks DPD) so i opened my presents from my parents and Donna’s parents and Tom opened his from my parents and myself. I haven’t taken any photos of presents this year i’m afraid, but i was very spoilt again.

We headed to Laura’s for Christmas Dinner and i was called to my Auntie duties in entertaining Ashleigh (aka playing with her dolls and doing the voices while she scared them as the big bad witch). She then chased me around the kitchen.

We had Christmas dinner (i added more gravy after this photo don’t worry) –

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Yum!

We all ate so much, we didn’t even have a buffet or cold cut sandwiches, just snacked a little on pudding.

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Ashleigh opening her present from me and Tom – a barbie car

 

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She wrote her own name!!! SO CUTEEEE. And yes she calls me Auntie La La

 

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Ash with Tom’s parents. We all watched Polar Express. The animation freaks me out.

 

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We had pate on toast for starters but Ashleigh kept it simple with just plain toast!

 

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Opening a present

Chris’s family arrived in the afternoon and suddenly the living room was crowded. I made my escape and sat in the kitchen for an hour with Tom. I’m not good in social situations but a busy room with a million conversations is my idea of hell.

 

We played a trivia game, Girls Vs Boys, and the girls lost HORRIFICALLY. In our defence, the questions were hard and i never would’ve wanted to be against Tom in a quiz.

Eventually we went home and that was that! Over for another year!

It was a different Christmas!

 

L x

beauty · fashion · hair · ramble · self care

Pink/purple hair transformation

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So as most of you know, i swapped my box black of 6 years for ginger/orange/red earlier this year. Well as it was coming up to Christmas and the end of the year, i fancied a change.

I’ll be honest, i MEANT to dye my hair purple. The reason it turned pink was due to me not wanting to damage my hair further by bleaching a 3rd time. Fortunately i absolutely love it regardless!

Here’s how i did it (although i can’t recommend you follow any of my advice!)

  1. I let my hair fade. I hadn’t bleached my roots in nearly 2 months so they got a chance to rest, but i also stayed away from the dye and washed my hair more often to help fade the orange.

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  2. I used an low impact bleach. This was purely accidental. I hadn’t been paying attention to any writing on the boxes and decided to try something new – it turns out i picked up an ammonia free bleach, doh! It was the Olia Bleach by Garnier  (i’ll link all the products used in this post). It stripped about 90% of the red out, but left it pretty orange and patchy, not to mention it barely made a difference to my roots or fringe, which i left until last. Looking back, i think i left it too long to start my roots/fringe and the bleach’s effects were starting to wear off.

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  3. My hair was pretty crispy at this point, so i gave it a break from chemicals for 2 days and used the Lush R&B hair moisturiser that i absolutely swear by and which saved my hair the last time i bleached it. I slathered it on, popped my hair up in a bun and reapplied twice a day for 2 days. It worked a treat and my locks felt even softer than before i’d bleached it. Just to prove my point, i’d said to everybody that i wasn’t happy bleaching again yet before i used that moisturiser, but it completely restored it! And to think, it was a spontaneous purchase from the recommendation of a cashier last year.
  4. After my hair was back to it’s usual self, i popped to Boots (twice because i didn’t get enough peroxide, oops) and picked up some bleach that had been recommended to me by other brightly haired humans. I chose the Jerome Russell B Blonde Powder Bleach and the 30vol Peroxide. Thankfully this bleach worked and my hair was lifted to a yellow blonde.

  5. I knew i’d need to aim for a pale blonde/white if i wanted to be a true purple, not to mention i would have been better off with a blue based purple dye instead of a pink one, but i wasn’t happy with bleaching a third time yet and i was running out of time and money. I decided to risk the dye and…. ta daaaaaa!

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It’s not perfect. I missed a little brown patch nearly my crown, and the back of my head has an orangey tinge from being too light with the bleach but i bloomin’ love it!!

Everybody has said they prefer it to the orange and now that i’m finally over the initial “it looks like a wig” phase, i definitely agree. I think i’d like to rebleach parts once my roots need doing, but i plan to keep the pink for the forseeable.

I can’t recommend that anybody tries to dye their own hair. I know my hair’s limits only because i’ve broken them in the past. This is probably the best a hair dying mission has ever gone for me, but let’s not forget all the disasters. Pictures to follow.

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That time i let my Mum give me “highlights”

 

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I never got it fixed, i just left it to grow out…for like 3 years!
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My pitiful attempt at turning my hair pink from black. I used one box of bleach…..think i was being a bit optimistic!
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The result!
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When i rebleached and dyed my hair and turned it orange and blue/green??? I was aiming for pink with a layer of blue underneath.
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It faded to this.
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I got a hair cut, so my logical response was “it’ll be much easier to bleach”……
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….well it was! But it also crisped it within an inch of it’s life!
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The logical response was to dye it black again…right?? Look how much hair length i lost! This was purely from bleaching and dying.
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And just to seal the deal, i bleached my undercut. My hair looks a right mess in this.

So there you have it folks! You live and you learn.

If you wanted guaranteed fabulous hair, go to a salon.

L x

left wing · politics · ramble

Orwell

“It was possible, no doubt, to imagine a society in which wealth, in the sense of personal possessions and luxuries, should be evenly distributed, while power remained in the hands of a small privileged caste. But in practice such a society could not long remain stable. For if leisure and security were enjoyed by all alike, the great mass of human beings who are normally stupefied by poverty would become literate and would learn to think for themselves; and when once they had done this, they would sooner or later realise that the privileged minority had no function, and they would sweep it away. In the long run, a hierarchical society was only possible on a basis of poverty and ignorance.” – George Orwell.
A fantastic quote and a perfect description of today.

I watched Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 911” tonight. It’s on UK Netflix for anyone who wants to check it out.
Although it’s obviously very biased, i found it to be a highly interesting look at 911 and the Iraq war. I feel like i have a better understanding of it now (which wouldn’t be hard because i was like 8 when all this kicked off).

 

The older i get, the angrier i become.

I can almost feel the revolution as if it were a simmering pan of water.

Soon it will boil over.
I hope the outcome will be a kinder world than the one we currently own.

ramble

Ear infection #2

*POSSIBLE TW: eating/eating disorders*

I’m super restless tonight.
I haven’t eaten since 11am when i ate 2 croissants.

It’s not that i chose not to eat. I just didn’t fancy anything all day and wasn’t particularly hungry anyway. When i eventually became hungry at about 8pm, i wasn’t hungry enough to get up and cook myself some food, and then it just passed.

My stomach’s a bit grumpy now though because i took strong painkillers on an empty stomach.

I’m sure my appetite will come back tomorrow.

 

Anyway, i’m in a permanent bad mood because i’ve got yet another ear problem. Second one since August! Think it’s turned into an infection again, much more painful this time and the tinnitus is deafening. I’m also nearly completely deaf in that ear currently which is in turn making me jumpy at little noises and pretty confused and disorientated. I had to pay extra attention when i drove earlier.

I tried to bleach my hair earlier and it didn’t work as well as i liked. It’s lightened it quite a lot but barely touched the roots and the left side has gone pretty patchy. I need to get most of the orange out so i can dye it purple. I’m a bit scared of bleaching it again because it’s already pretty dried out, so i’ve put on loads of Lush’s RnB leave in conditioner seeing as it saved my hair last time i bleached it 3 times.
Guess i’ll go to Boots tomorrow and find a better bleach.

Still need to finish my Christmas shopping but i’m going to Meadowhall with Mum on Tuesday so i can get it done then i guess. I’ve done most of it, just need to pick up one thing each for Dad and Donna and some bits for Nanny.

Went out in Manchester on Thursday night. Pete Tong was good. Was slightly underwhelmed by the gay village though. Either it’s overrated or it’s always that crap on a weekday.

Somehow it’s nearly 2am.
I want to rip my ear off.

L x

mental health · ramble

Wishing i had a mind-eraser

Are you ever in one of those moods where you just want to erase all memory and knowledge and proof of knowing a certain person, or of a certain event happening?

Because i’ve been feeling this for a few weeks and have halved my FB friends list, deleted lots of photos, hidden others and blocked a few people on all social media.

I don’t even want to see things on my Timehop, like i genuinely wish i could erase everything. I guess time will.

 

Tom’s gone to London again for 2 nights. I have no plans other than the dogs. I was supposed to go to a photoshoot with some of the people from Alium Cult today but i’m trash so i didn’t. I was also supposed to get up at 8.30am to shower and prep for said photoshoot, but i didn’t. It’s now 5pm and i still haven’t eaten yet, unless you count coffee??

Two positives:
– It’s warm in the house so my toes have finally defrosted.
– My Christmas tree is pretty.

Supposed to phone Mum later, i’d better find my happy voice.

All of this miserable mood isn’t helped by the fact that i’m actually a bit ill, i’ve got a cold that’s making me feel a bit shitty and i’ve got serious sleep dep.

I need to dye my hair but i can’t afford bleach.

All in all, it’s not the best day.

ramble

Marriage

So this evening i’ve been thinking a lot about marriage and what it entails.

Rather appropriately, “What Is Love – Haddaway” just came on shuffle on Spotify!

I’ve followed the Shaytards (Shay Carl, Colette and their kids made daily videos for Youtube) for a couple of years, and although i didn’t really enjoy some aspects of their life (they’re Mormons and speak about religion/religious things fairly regularly), i liked their content! They always made these HUGE videos over Christmas, like an hour long, and you saw all the presents the kids got and it was just something i found quite satisfying to watch – at least while i was ignoring my underlying anger that some people have the world while others get nothing.
Their family unit always seemed pretty tight knit. It was obviously that Shay and Colette were madly in love, having been together for around 15 years i believe. They made enough money from Youtube and their other companies to not bother with “a real job” and had a beautiful house and always had tons of great looking food and their videos had a homey and comforting feel to them.

It was quite a shock to everybody who followed their lives when it was revealed early this year that Shay had been cheating, sexting a cam girl and apparently had met up with her (unsure if it’s confirmed that they actually met). They disappeared from social media for a few months and then Colette made a heartbreaking video talking about how she was learning forgiveness and the whole thing seemed very forced and not like she was speaking from her heart, but kudos to her for publicly mentioning her husband’s betrayal. At the end of the day, she doesn’t owe anybody her honest thoughts.

Shay made an apology video a while back and blamed his alcoholism for his bad decisions and the problems his family had been having.

I mean……i’m not in anyway saying alcoholism isn’t an absolute atrocious thing to have to go through – i can’t even imagine how hard to must be to have an addiction like that.
It just felt a little….like he was pushing responsibility off himself and blaming his demons. Dude, you being drunken and depressed may have been a factor, but at the end of the day you still actively chose to send those texts. It wasn’t a drunken 5 minute fumble in a club, or a quick kiss. Even though those are both physical, i think they would’ve been so much more excusable. Those messages were EXPLICIT and you went into great detail about exactly what you would like to do to that woman.
He was also messaging her for 3 months.
3 months? Jesus fuckin’ Christ.

So i know this was an incredibly long winded way to open up this post, but it’s something i’ve been pondering for a while.

This evening i told myself (in my brain, not outloud) that i would be with Tom forever.
I told myself that he is going to be the only person i will ever marry. He will be the only person i ever share a bed with (except kids), and we’ll share that bed until one of us dies. I’m going to see his face nearly every single day until the very end.

I can’t say it was the most sensible way to phrase things to myself. My first reaction was from the crutch i’ve always relied on – pushing people away. I tensed and thought “oh shit, that sounds terrifying!!!”. I mean, it is really! There’s been a spate of people i have on social media who have gotten divorced or have split with long term partners they planned to spend forever with and it’s gotten me a little nervous. What if they thought their partner was forever, like i do? What if they loved them as much as i love Tom??

The second reaction was the other side of me. She’s more of a romantic and more sure of herself. Together we KNOW that Tom and i will be together for however long forever lasts. She’s also hella’ protective/possessive (aka sometimes a biiiiiiit psycho) and will silently plot your murder if you chat him up. I’m not talking “looking at him across the bar”, we’re not that mental. I take no pleasure in describing myself as a psycho partner, nor have i ever understood why you would want to be one, i just mean that the only girl he’s gonna’ be buying drinks for are me and his Momma so y’all better back the fuck off.

Tom and i have spoken a couple of times about the concept of soulmates. Neither of us believes there’s one person out there for everybody, we both think there’s many people out there but some relationships will take more work than others. I don’t think we’re 100% in sync because there’s some things we differ on, we have interests that clash and we have disagreements, just like any normal healthy relationship, and to be honest, i wouldn’t change a single thing; i love him and our relationship exactly the way he/it is. So I mean heck, there might even be a girl out there more perfectly suited to him than i am, but commitment and marriage isn’t about that.
It’s about falling in love with somebody, having the ability to make that relationship work regardless of the situations you get in and making that truthful commitment to be together forever.

I don’t care if an utterly out-of-worldly-level-of-perfect gorgeous guy comes along now and tries to sweep me off my feet. It doesn’t matter anymore.
Tom has my heart, now and always, and i will want to be with him forever.

Sorry Jason Momoa! Maybe in my next life 😉

 

L x

 

bpd · depression · ramble · self harm · teen depression

A quote on my anxiety and BPD

“Anxiety is an old childhood friend. I fail to remember a time without her presence. She lends an ear and supports me, protects me from the world.
It just so happens that she’s viewing it through a 5 year old’s eyes.

BPD is my twin, most likely conjoined. I’m never really sure where i stop and she begins. We are the same and yet we’re not. We depend on one another. We’re two halves of a whole.
The biggest shock was realising that my twin is parasitic.”

 

– A quote by me (Lora Corser).

 

(I’ve been mulling over these words for 3 days, trying to find a way of getting them down onto paper. This is the best i could do. I’m sorry i’m not as poetic anymore, the horrible parts of me put a blocker on it.)