ramble · reflecting · reflection · twenties · Uncategorized

2017

It’s that time of year again! Here is my 3rd yearly summary.

 

I moved shops AGAIN. I subsequently quit Sainsbury’s because my boss was a misogynistic, bullying asshat. I got a job at Home Bargains. I quit said job. I worked at Boots for a month. I lost said job. I started my own business. I became officially self employed in October. I went to Majorca. I got engaged on a beach. I got food poisoning from a milkshake. I scowled at children. I went to Cyprus. I went quad biking through the Cypriot wilderness. I went for a sunset hack with my fiance and some family members. I failed my theory on the first time. I passed on the second time. I passed my practical driving test first time with 4 minors. I realised just how expensive running a car is. I had my battery replaced. I blew my first tyre and had to be rescued by Tom’s brother in law. I replaced 2 tyres. I ate most of an entire box of Celebrations. I realised i had Borderline Personality Disorder. I finally saw a Doctor. I went on a psychoeducation course. I went to Alton Towers twice…again! I did the scaremazes…again! I went to Scarborough on Boxing Day. I gave Tom pneumonia. We went to Blackpool….it was dead. I built my first ever Gingerbread house. I saw a Panda for the first time. I visited Scotland for the first time. I lost 3 rats. I dyed my hair ginger. I dyed my hair red. I dyed my hair bright pink/purple. I saw my childhood best friend whom i hadn’t seen for around 5 years. Tom and i had an engagement party. I failed at making a speech. My Grandma passed away. I turned 24. Both Tom and i were ill for it. I got conjunctivitis twice. I got ear infections twice. Tom got diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis after injuring his knee. We were scared for months. Our relationship was tested financially, emotionally, mentally and physically. We realised that nothing will break us. A cat adopted us. We named her Sausage. She gave us fleas. It took us a month to get rid of all the fleas. We adopted 3 girl rats. We adopted 2 boy rats. I wore latex for the first time. We saw Pete Tong again. We visited Manchester’s gay village and were unimpressed.

 

In terms of events, it’s been a massive year to be honest! I won’t pretend it’s been fantastic. Obviously the highlight was getting engaged, as well as our two holidays we were lucky enough to go on, but financially it’s been a huge struggle, especially with my mental health deteriorating.

I’m feeling so much more positive about next year. I’ve got a 6 week anxiety management course starting on the 10th of January. We’ve now acquired some money we’re going to use for the wedding. We’re looking at applying for a mortgage in a few months. I just need my business to pick up after the Christmas lull and we’ll be on our way up!

Thanks for sticking with me this year. I can’t imagine it’s always easy nor enjoyable to read the drivel i come out with sometimes. I appreciate anybody who uses just a moment of their valuable time to check out this blog – i love you all and i hope for a fantastic 2018 for everyone.

L x

20s · broody · ramble · twenties · Uncategorized

Love

There’s been several times in my life when I thought I was in love. I’m not talking about love for my family or friends or Harry Potter. I mean actual love for another non-related human in a romantic sense.

I said I was in love when I was dating my first long term boyfriend. We were 15 and pretty smitten with each other.

I said I was in love again when I was “the other woman” in my first girl/girl relationship. It was exciting and turbulent.

I’ve been wrong every single time until now.

This wasn’t love at first sight. Our first face to face encounter was at my workplace. He came in to buy beer and I served him. Our second meeting involved me stumbling out of a taxi in a tiny red dress, looking at him and thinking “oh good, he’s as tall as he said he was!” I proceeded to get horrendously drunk and try to convince him to come back to mine at 2 in the morning to meet my rats, despite having work at 6am. It still wasn’t love on our second date (we always count this as date 1 and 1/2). He drove me around in his car to Bakewell and back and we chatted. He gave me my first ever bottle of smart water. Date 3 (or 2 and 1/2) was a meal at an Indian restaurant in town. He kept checking his smart watch which I found a little rude and the date had to end at 10pm because he had work. I was disgruntled because I’d worn a very low cut top and it hadn’t convinced him to skive off.

And then something changed for both of us. Neither of us know when or why, but suddenly dating other people wasn’t an option. He asked me out officially via text when he was drunk on a stag do in Dublin. We started seeing each other more and more; eventually we spent some time just being at home chatting rather than getting drunk. I remember this one night when I was supposed to be getting dropped off at mine – we ended up talking for over 3 hours and we told each other secrets we hadn’t told anyone else. I gave him puppy dog eyes until he agreed to let me sleepover. 

Now I’m laid in his bed, although I should technically call it our bed because I’ve only been “home” once in the past 3 weeks. I’m alone because he’s down south for work until Wednesday. I nearly cried infront his entire family yesterday when he left and I cried when I got back to the empty flat last night. I always find the first night the hardest and now I’m laid here for the second time, all I feel is a need for him to be next to me. He annoys me when he snores and he steals the covers and makes me jump when he touches/cuddles me in my sleep but it isn’t the same without him here. 

I’m a grown adult – well, most of the time – and I’m perfectly capable of managing without his physical presence but it feels like half of me is missing. I don’t feel like a whole person without him. 

I’ve never experienced this before. Sure I’ve missed people and wished they were there but this is so different. And that’s part of how I know this is it. He’s “the one”. 

I used to be super cynical of anyone who said l that but I get it now. All the terrible cheesy love songs make sense. I get why people would get married and commit forever. Something has clicked in my head and it’s never clicking off again.

depression · Uncategorized

A dark post

Since entering my 20’s, people are always surprised when i tell them my age.
It’s a common theme for everyone to react with “you seem much older than that” or “you don’t act that young”.

In truth i wish i did seem my age. I know the reason i don’t is that i’ve seen so many horrors in the world. I learnt to keep quiet as a child when i was mentally abused. That followed me into my teenage years, where i isolated myself from those who loved me. And now i’m an adult, an adult with interpersonal issues who doesn’t have a full grasp of social and personal boundaries and no urge to share information/secrets with others.

It takes a lot for me to post on here. It’s not that i find it physically or mentally difficult to type out the words, it’s more that nothing comes into my head.
I used to keep diaries and spill my innermost secrets, or confess them to best friends.
Spending 2 years with someone who threatened me, who threw objects at me and pushed me about changed that.
Staying awake all night because the person i was infatuated with had tried to kill themselves again and i didn’t know if they were going to wake up changed that.
Finding my partner passed out on the bathroom floor after overdosing changed that too.

Under my superficial desires for Disney and cuddly toys, i’m older than my years. But i’ve paid a price for it.

ramble · Uncategorized

Hello December

It’s the first of December and the first thing i did today (besides pee and check Facebook) was eat my advent chocolate!
Unfortunately my Playmobil advent calendar hasn’t arrived yet and i’ve accidentally left my Tanya Burr one at Janine’s!

In other news, i started taking 2 hour driving lessons! Last week i went on parkway for the first time and yesterday i spent about 40 minutes going up and down it. It was much less scary this time, as were all the roundabouts. I even took us to Meadowhall and parked!

Tomorrow i’m off to Manchester for the night with Tom and his friends to see Pete Tong at the arena.
Tom bought me 2 outfits for it (one was supposed to be a back up) and they’re amazing!!

me-2016

I don’t have a photo of the original outfit on my computer but this was supposed to be the backup. It’s the Penny Vegas dress by Collectif and it’s just amazing!! We’ve decided that i’m going to wear this on Friday instead of the skirt/top and i’ll wear that outfit tonight instead because we’re going to see Electric Six.

Today i told myself i’d tidy the flat and put up the tree. Stupidly i forgot to buy any lights for it and my decorations haven’t arrived yet so there hasn’t been much point.
It’s been a lazy day on the sofa watching season 6 of Game of Thrones but you need that sometimes.

I’m looking forward to what this December will bring.

L x

20s · body love · Body Positive · fashion · favourites · feminism · lora's favourites · ramble · review · self love · Uncategorized

Lora’s Favourites: Instagrammers

This is a new series of posts i’m starting called “Lora’s Favourites”. I plan to feature Youtubers, Twitter accounts, bloggers and more!
Today we’re starting with Instagram.
Instagram is my favourite social media outlet and i follow over 400 accounts so this list was hard to make!
I’ll probably keep my other lists to a top 10 but this time i’ve gone for 20.

In no particular order..

  1. TheSassySade – Who doesn’t love a burlesque performer? Especially one with such incredible cheekbones and a micro fringe.
  2. AmandaApparel – A plus size fashion blogger with awesome hair and an aesthetically pleasing Insta’.
  3. JazMulligan – Not only is she insanely good at makeup, she also has a great singing voice!
  4. Janineaam – Okay i may be a little biased for this one as she’s my housemate, but i love seeing her OOTD’s and food posts.
  5. DarlingHeart – A great fashionista with flawless hair and a fellow lover of Cath Kidston.
  6. RocknRollBabydoll – Someone i discovered on Instagram years ago, an expert at perfect selfies.
  7. Sophaaaaa – Buzzcut, body positive babe with the greatest thighs in existence.
  8. Katt.Wolfe – Plus sized, Scottish and a model. What more could you want?
  9. Binkylastrange – I started following Rowen because i loved her look and body positivity. Now her Instagram mainly contains photos of her daughter and it’s a different kind of wonderful.
  10. TheCurvySoprano – Her friend commented on one of my selfies tagging her in it and saying we were twins. I never did thank her for introducing me to one of my favourite Insta’ accounts!
  11. Kirsty_Elizabeth – Once again, i’m probably quite biased as this girl is my cousin and best friend. She deserves a HELLA LOAD more followers than she has and has recently created another account for her photography (see here).
  12. Liquid_Universe – Feminism, body positivity and plus size fashion – the best kind of Instagram.
  13. Mad_Cat_Lady88 – I follow several “Mom” accounts, but Fran’s is one of my favourites. Her daughter is crazily cute and her posts always make me feel warm.
  14. Melissablows – I’ve actually become friends with Melissa through Instagram and i love seeing her updates. Another person who deserves so many more followers. If you like Disney and dogs, she’s your girl.
  15. Charlotteamyxo – A tattooed babe with a pug. I always look forward to seeing what hair colour she’s going for next.
  16. Amyzena – Harry Potter and Black Milk. This girl has awesome hair and even better taste in clothing.
  17. DecemberDam – I can’t remember how i stumbled across Erin’s Instagram but i’m so glad i did. Absolutely makeup and hair goals, as well as the recent addition in baby Jones makes this one of my favourites to see on my feed.
  18. ZephyrLestrange – I first found Zephyr on Tumblr in around 2011-2012 and admired their look. Now they’re even more of a elven babe and are a fellow rat parent (so how can i resist?).
  19. ToriBiohazard – Makeup goals for life. Goth queen. Enough said.
  20. CharlieRoseHill – Another mum blogger! Charlie’s Instagram is real and full of cute selfies and photos of her sweet little boy.

 

And that wraps up my favourite Instagrammers! Stay tuned for more social media favs.

Lora x

20s · ramble · self love · twenties · Uncategorized

What makes me happy

Recently i’ve been really struggling with my mental health and i’ve made the decision to register with a doctor nearby and ask to get referred to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis (i suspect i have Borderline Personality Disorder).

In the meantime, i came up with the idea of listing all the things that make me happy, so when i feel down i can come back and remind myself.
Feel free to steal this idea – tag me or send it me if you do! I want to know what makes you guys happy too.

  1. Making lists. Quite convenient i know but writing lists is something that both soothes and excites me.
  2. Christmas. I’m a huge fan of Christmas, from decorating the tree to finding presents for people.
  3. Catching up on my Youtube subscriptions. I like to keep up to date with popular Youtubers like Zoella, PointlessBlog, ThatcherJoe, SprinkleofGlitter and KieraRose.
  4. Petting animals at a farm. Anyone who knows me will tell you i’m a massive animal fan and there’s nothing better than giving a cow or doggo a good stroke.
  5. Coffee. This is something that also makes me jittery and hyper, but definitely happy too.
  6. The words “shall we get a takeaway?”. I’m fat for a reason.
  7. Watching Harry Potter or listening to the audiobooks. One of my biggest lifelong loves is the Harry Potter franchise. A sure fire way to make me smile.
  8. Having a clear nose. I have a cold at the minute so i might be a little biased, but the first day of breathing freely after sniffling for days/weeks is bliss.
  9. Doing my makeup. I don’t mean my everyday work makeup, i mean when i get a couple of hours free to sit down, put some music or a video on and take my time with it. Very calming.
  10. Disney. All my life i’ve been a Disney fan and i can’t wait for the day when Tom says we can go (should probably try saving a bit first!).

 

And i think i’m going to leave it at 10 for now! I may revisit this later and do a part 2.

Byeeeeeeee!!

Uncategorized

30 by 30

I spent a couple of minutes this evening looking for inspiration on what to write about. Now anyone who knows me even slightly will know that one of my greatest loves is lists. I’m not a particularly organised person but writing a long list makes me feel like I have my shit together. My good friend Google led me to read the title “30 by 30” and I thought hey, I’m not against jumping on bandwagons.

So here it is, my list of 30 things I want to do by the time I turn 30. I’ve got a good 7 years to achieve them fortunately.

  1. Get engaged. Okay this is kind of an inevitable one seeing as I know I’ll be engaged at some point in the next couple of years. It’s also one that I would never have included in this list until this year. 
  2. Get married. Same as above really. I agreed on marriage before babies and I want babies before I turn 30 so..
  3. Have a baby. Self explanatory. Also one I’m completely okay with leaving until I’m nearly 30.
  4. Go back to Disney World. If you’ve been following this blog for a while, you’ll know that I was supposed to go to Disney World this time last year for 2 and a half weeks with my ex and his family. Visa troubles meant we weren’t able to and ever since I’ve felt it’s something I have to do, just to get it out my system. I want to go before I have to lug screaming children around everywhere.
  5. Learn to drive and buy my own car. The learning to drive part is already under way, but I’m particularly bad with money so buying my own car will definitely take a couple more years of practising budgeting! My incredibly generous boyfriend is loaning me his second car on a permanent basis once I pass my test but I know buying my own will feel great. Until I check my bank balance anyway.
  6. Host Christmas. Christmas is my absolute favourite time of the year, and despite me being a terrible cook, I’d love to host it soon. Tom and I have said we’ll try for next year depending if we’re settled into a house.
  7. Buy a house. Another thing that I never would’ve dreamt possible until the middle of this year.
  8. Get a dog/cat. Probably after the house buying.
  9. Finish my leg tattoos. I’ve had a mental plan to cover my legs in tattoos for a while. I think 7 years is sufficient enough time, even if I don’t fully finish them!
  10. Still run a blog. I want this blog to become my online diary in a way. I love looking back at things I’ve written about and as a nosy person, I know people love to read about other people’s lives.
  11. Give vlogging another go. I used to “vlog” when I was 17/18 and they stayed on YouTube until my account got hacked a couple of years back. I’m kind of glad about it because they were SO cringe worthy (hence why vlog is in quotation marks). I have a terrible onscreen personality and I hate my recorded voice but I do find it can be easier to get messages across when you can look your readers/viewers in the eye (kind of) and there’s more interaction from followers.
  12. Get drunk in New York and pretend I’m on Sex and the City. My Mum promised she would take me to New York someday. I’m holding her to it. I want $30 cocktails in Manhattan goddamnit!!
  13. See a chiropractor before my back gives in. I’ve had back problems ever since I got thrown off a horse when I was 15 and I’ve never seen a doctor about it. Yes I know, I’m stupid! The past couple of years it’s been playing up a lot so hopefully a few visits and some satisfying cracks will help.
  14. Fly first class/business class. I’ve always been curious.
  15. See the Northern Lights in Iceland. I can’t spell Aurora Borealis (that’s my best attempt!).
  16. Visit Australia. I have friends in Australia whom I’d love to hang out with in person.
  17. Visit Canada. Tom has family in Canada and it’s always been somewhere I’ve been interested in going.
  18. Change career. I’m currently a retail manager and as much as I love retail, animals and writing are my two biggest passions. They’re incredibly hard to get into but I’d love to try.
  19. Do something New Years. The problem with working in retail is holidays. Bank holidays don’t exist and if you’re lucky you get either Christmas or New Years off. I always opt for Christmas so I haven’t been able to celebrate New Years for the past couple. Not a hard task to achieve but still worth including.
  20. Change my first name. I’m coming clean. My name isn’t Lora. It’s Laura. Shock! Deception!! Basically I got bored of Laura in 2008 and only use Laura on official documents and at work. I don’t look at the name Laura and recognise it as mine anymore. My Mum refuses to use Lora so I said I’d wait a good few years before changing it. I’ve used it for 8 already!
  21. Plan a kick ass 30th birthday! Tom’s birthday is a couple of weeks before mine and he was born 10 years previous, so we’ll celebrate our 40th and 30th birthdays in the same month! Definitely an excuse to do something big.
  22. Be happier. Pretty vague but honest. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time but I still struggle when I’m left in my own company for longer than a couple of hours. It’s something I’ll have to cope with if I want babies, especially as I only want to work part time until they’re at school.
  23. Start writing a book. This is on my all time bucket list too. I used to write books all the time as a kid, usually my own version of Harry Potter! I’m mulling over a few ideas and the reason I started blogging again was to get those creative juices flowing (ew).
  24. Bring back and update Turtles and Starfish. Most of you won’t know this but I used to have a shop on Etsy called Turtles and Starfish where I made little bead bracelets with words on them such as “feminist”, “baby girl” and “khaleesi”. I only made like 5 sales at £2.50 a pop but it was great fun all the same! I had big plans for the store but getting a full time job kind of ruined that.
  25. Learn to cook. Pretty important and yet something at the age of 23, I still can’t do. I can make okay quesadillas and I know how to do a perfect jacket potato but I ought to venture into more exciting territory.
  26. Make albums with all my Facebook photos in. I’m constantly worrying that Faceyb won’t be around forever. If and when it does disappear, I don’t want my precious memories to go with it. I made a start on this a couple of years ago but I take thousands of photos every year so it’s no small feat.
  27. Learn a skill. Hairdressing, DIY, IT. Anything that will come in handy at home!
  28. Parachute out of an airplane. A pretty stereotypical one to include but it’s something I’d love to do.
  29. Visit Steve Irwin’s grave. His death hit me unusually hard. I was distraught for weeks, to the point where I used to talk to spiders because I thought they could pass on my words to his wife and kids (I didn’t have many friends as a kid). I used to whisper to them that if I could get past my grief, I’d dedicate my life to helping animals. Obviously I got over it eventually and have been trying to help animals ever since and I feel a little trip to pay my respects is something past-me would be proud of.
  30. Be alive. As someone who is in a constant battle with their brain, staying alive seems impossible at times. I’m my own worst enemy, I push people away (emotionally and physically), I isolate myself from friends and family and I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was 16. I’m beginning to accept that this might just be me forever and that life will be an uphill struggle and that I might never fully stop having bad days, but I’m not willing to give up without a bloody good fight. I’m sticking around to see my grandbabies!!

And that’s 30! Hope you enjoyed this insanely long post. Have a great weekend.

Lora x