It’s a taste of a life i don’t want.
An undiluted self.
Acrid with paranoia.
The most terrifying thing about being with the love of your life is the thought of losing them.
There isn’t a single part of me that thinks he would ever purposefully leave me.
I’m over that worry.
Mostly it’s that he’ll be in an accident, or one of those freak occurrences you read about in real life magazines where somebody just drops down dead.
I can’t begin to imagine that pain. Just the thought of it is enough to send me into floods of tears.
Tonight for example, i watched the “Be Right Back” Black Mirror episode and ended up crying. (Thanks everyone for not warning me about that one! Talk about hitting my biggest fears on the head)
Writing, fortunately, is cathartic.
It’s only the first night and now i’ve calmed down a little, i feel pretty pathetic (and that’s saying something). I’m glad i’m seeing my Mum tomorrow night though, at least i won’t have to sit in an empty house all evening.
I know i have the rats and i did get them out to play but it’s just not the same.
I wish we could get a dog. Or a baby.
The latter is probably a little more than we could handle right now though. (And we don’t have the room for a doggo).
RIGHT. Note to self, research Black Mirror episodes beforehand.
Time to watch “50 of the Best Reads on Ru Paul’s Drag Race”, an episode or 2 of Friends and then go to friggin’ sleep.
It’s that time of year again! Here is my 3rd yearly summary.
I moved shops AGAIN. I subsequently quit Sainsbury’s because my boss was a misogynistic, bullying asshat. I got a job at Home Bargains. I quit said job. I worked at Boots for a month. I lost said job. I started my own business. I became officially self employed in October. I went to Majorca. I got engaged on a beach. I got food poisoning from a milkshake. I scowled at children. I went to Cyprus. I went quad biking through the Cypriot wilderness. I went for a sunset hack with my fiance and some family members. I failed my theory on the first time. I passed on the second time. I passed my practical driving test first time with 4 minors. I realised just how expensive running a car is. I had my battery replaced. I blew my first tyre and had to be rescued by Tom’s brother in law. I replaced 2 tyres. I ate most of an entire box of Celebrations. I realised i had Borderline Personality Disorder. I finally saw a Doctor. I went on a psychoeducation course. I went to Alton Towers twice…again! I did the scaremazes…again! I went to Scarborough on Boxing Day. I gave Tom pneumonia. We went to Blackpool….it was dead. I built my first ever Gingerbread house. I saw a Panda for the first time. I visited Scotland for the first time. I lost 3 rats. I dyed my hair ginger. I dyed my hair red. I dyed my hair bright pink/purple. I saw my childhood best friend whom i hadn’t seen for around 5 years. Tom and i had an engagement party. I failed at making a speech. My Grandma passed away. I turned 24. Both Tom and i were ill for it. I got conjunctivitis twice. I got ear infections twice. Tom got diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis after injuring his knee. We were scared for months. Our relationship was tested financially, emotionally, mentally and physically. We realised that nothing will break us. A cat adopted us. We named her Sausage. She gave us fleas. It took us a month to get rid of all the fleas. We adopted 3 girl rats. We adopted 2 boy rats. I wore latex for the first time. We saw Pete Tong again. We visited Manchester’s gay village and were unimpressed.
In terms of events, it’s been a massive year to be honest! I won’t pretend it’s been fantastic. Obviously the highlight was getting engaged, as well as our two holidays we were lucky enough to go on, but financially it’s been a huge struggle, especially with my mental health deteriorating.
I’m feeling so much more positive about next year. I’ve got a 6 week anxiety management course starting on the 10th of January. We’ve now acquired some money we’re going to use for the wedding. We’re looking at applying for a mortgage in a few months. I just need my business to pick up after the Christmas lull and we’ll be on our way up!
Thanks for sticking with me this year. I can’t imagine it’s always easy nor enjoyable to read the drivel i come out with sometimes. I appreciate anybody who uses just a moment of their valuable time to check out this blog – i love you all and i hope for a fantastic 2018 for everyone.
Surprisingly i managed to tick off a number of last year’s resolutions! I learnt to drive, i went on holiday (twice) and even changed jobs (3 times).
On the back of this success, i thought i’d write some for 2018.
Move house – This was a 2017 resolution but one we failed at. We’re looking at applying for a mortgage in possibly February and taking it from there. Even if we get rejected we’re gonna’ rent somewhere bigger.
Start wedding planning – We now officially have wedding savings (hurrah!) but we’re still unsure if we’ll be getting married in 2019. Even if we don’t, we can start to contact vendors.
Buy a new car – My speedy little Peugeot will sadly be replaced by something with more boot space for the pooches. I ought to get a van, but i might look at an estate instead. Driving around in a van for my “normal car” doesn’t sound particularly exciting.
Grow Critter Care – I need to get my shit together with my business. I need more advertising, branded workwear, better walking boots etc. Also need to sit down and write a business plan for where i want to be by 2019.
Get more tattoos – I’m already fulfilling this on the 6th 😉 but my legs definitely have plenty of room for more.
What are your resolutions? Do you ever stick to them?
I basically had 3 Christmas’s this year.
It started on Friday the 22nd when i stayed over at Kirsty’s with both our mums. We had an early Christmas dinner and played The Logo Game which was hilaaaaarious. Auntie Jan won, which was a surprise in itself because she’s usually a bit pants at games vs us three!
Kirsty and i played Mariokart, some card games on the DS and then chatted for an hour or so about relationships and life until we finally both passed out in the early hours.
The next day, i stole some of Kirsty’s Kylie lippy and buggered off to Nanny’s. Nanny and i watched the first Harry Potter, i had a cheeky fried egg cob and off i went to Dad’s. There i was forcefed pizza (despite having it the morning before and the night before that) and we watched Crocodile Dundee.
I don’t think we did anything at all on Christmas Eve, besides Tom having to pop to Tesco to buy a ham for the next day.
Christmas morning arrived and i was refreshed……NOOOOOT. I’d been unable to sleep until around 3am and had woken up randomly at 7.50am. I could pretend it was the excitement of the day, but it was more financial stresses that weedled their way into my brain in the early hours of Christmas Day and wouldn’t leave until i’d contemplated them for a good 2 hours.
Tom’s present to me hadn’t arrived yet (thanks DPD) so i opened my presents from my parents and Donna’s parents and Tom opened his from my parents and myself. I haven’t taken any photos of presents this year i’m afraid, but i was very spoilt again.
We headed to Laura’s for Christmas Dinner and i was called to my Auntie duties in entertaining Ashleigh (aka playing with her dolls and doing the voices while she scared them as the big bad witch). She then chased me around the kitchen.
We had Christmas dinner (i added more gravy after this photo don’t worry) –
We all ate so much, we didn’t even have a buffet or cold cut sandwiches, just snacked a little on pudding.
Chris’s family arrived in the afternoon and suddenly the living room was crowded. I made my escape and sat in the kitchen for an hour with Tom. I’m not good in social situations but a busy room with a million conversations is my idea of hell.
We played a trivia game, Girls Vs Boys, and the girls lost HORRIFICALLY. In our defence, the questions were hard and i never would’ve wanted to be against Tom in a quiz.
Eventually we went home and that was that! Over for another year!
So as most of you know, i swapped my box black of 6 years for ginger/orange/red earlier this year. Well as it was coming up to Christmas and the end of the year, i fancied a change.
I’ll be honest, i MEANT to dye my hair purple. The reason it turned pink was due to me not wanting to damage my hair further by bleaching a 3rd time. Fortunately i absolutely love it regardless!
Here’s how i did it (although i can’t recommend you follow any of my advice!)
I let my hair fade. I hadn’t bleached my roots in nearly 2 months so they got a chance to rest, but i also stayed away from the dye and washed my hair more often to help fade the orange.
I used an low impact bleach. This was purely accidental. I hadn’t been paying attention to any writing on the boxes and decided to try something new – it turns out i picked up an ammonia free bleach, doh! It was the Olia Bleach by Garnier (i’ll link all the products used in this post). It stripped about 90% of the red out, but left it pretty orange and patchy, not to mention it barely made a difference to my roots or fringe, which i left until last. Looking back, i think i left it too long to start my roots/fringe and the bleach’s effects were starting to wear off.
My hair was pretty crispy at this point, so i gave it a break from chemicals for 2 days and used the Lush R&B hair moisturiser that i absolutely swear by and which saved my hair the last time i bleached it. I slathered it on, popped my hair up in a bun and reapplied twice a day for 2 days. It worked a treat and my locks felt even softer than before i’d bleached it. Just to prove my point, i’d said to everybody that i wasn’t happy bleaching again yet before i used that moisturiser, but it completely restored it! And to think, it was a spontaneous purchase from the recommendation of a cashier last year.
After my hair was back to it’s usual self, i popped to Boots (twice because i didn’t get enough peroxide, oops) and picked up some bleach that had been recommended to me by other brightly haired humans. I chose the Jerome Russell B Blonde Powder Bleach and the 30vol Peroxide. Thankfully this bleach worked and my hair was lifted to a yellow blonde.
I knew i’d need to aim for a pale blonde/white if i wanted to be a true purple, not to mention i would have been better off with a blue based purple dye instead of a pink one, but i wasn’t happy with bleaching a third time yet and i was running out of time and money. I decided to risk the dye and…. ta daaaaaa!
It’s not perfect. I missed a little brown patch nearly my crown, and the back of my head has an orangey tinge from being too light with the bleach but i bloomin’ love it!!
Everybody has said they prefer it to the orange and now that i’m finally over the initial “it looks like a wig” phase, i definitely agree. I think i’d like to rebleach parts once my roots need doing, but i plan to keep the pink for the forseeable.
I can’t recommend that anybody tries to dye their own hair. I know my hair’s limits only because i’ve broken them in the past. This is probably the best a hair dying mission has ever gone for me, but let’s not forget all the disasters. Pictures to follow.
So there you have it folks! You live and you learn.
If you wanted guaranteed fabulous hair, go to a salon.
“It was possible, no doubt, to imagine a society in which wealth, in the sense of personal possessions and luxuries, should be evenly distributed, while power remained in the hands of a small privileged caste. But in practice such a society could not long remain stable. For if leisure and security were enjoyed by all alike, the great mass of human beings who are normally stupefied by poverty would become literate and would learn to think for themselves; and when once they had done this, they would sooner or later realise that the privileged minority had no function, and they would sweep it away. In the long run, a hierarchical society was only possible on a basis of poverty and ignorance.” – George Orwell.
A fantastic quote and a perfect description of today.
I watched Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 911” tonight. It’s on UK Netflix for anyone who wants to check it out.
Although it’s obviously very biased, i found it to be a highly interesting look at 911 and the Iraq war. I feel like i have a better understanding of it now (which wouldn’t be hard because i was like 8 when all this kicked off).
The older i get, the angrier i become.
I can almost feel the revolution as if it were a simmering pan of water.
Soon it will boil over.
I hope the outcome will be a kinder world than the one we currently own.
I’m super restless tonight.
I haven’t eaten since 11am when i ate 2 croissants.
It’s not that i chose not to eat. I just didn’t fancy anything all day and wasn’t particularly hungry anyway. When i eventually became hungry at about 8pm, i wasn’t hungry enough to get up and cook myself some food, and then it just passed.
My stomach’s a bit grumpy now though because i took strong painkillers on an empty stomach.
I’m sure my appetite will come back tomorrow.
Anyway, i’m in a permanent bad mood because i’ve got yet another ear problem. Second one since August! Think it’s turned into an infection again, much more painful this time and the tinnitus is deafening. I’m also nearly completely deaf in that ear currently which is in turn making me jumpy at little noises and pretty confused and disorientated. I had to pay extra attention when i drove earlier.
I tried to bleach my hair earlier and it didn’t work as well as i liked. It’s lightened it quite a lot but barely touched the roots and the left side has gone pretty patchy. I need to get most of the orange out so i can dye it purple. I’m a bit scared of bleaching it again because it’s already pretty dried out, so i’ve put on loads of Lush’s RnB leave in conditioner seeing as it saved my hair last time i bleached it 3 times.
Guess i’ll go to Boots tomorrow and find a better bleach.
Still need to finish my Christmas shopping but i’m going to Meadowhall with Mum on Tuesday so i can get it done then i guess. I’ve done most of it, just need to pick up one thing each for Dad and Donna and some bits for Nanny.
Went out in Manchester on Thursday night. Pete Tong was good. Was slightly underwhelmed by the gay village though. Either it’s overrated or it’s always that crap on a weekday.
Somehow it’s nearly 2am.
I want to rip my ear off.