depression · ramble · twenties

My new job and recent events

Before i jump into talking about the good things that have happened to me recently, i’d like to start off with a sincere apology to anyone who enjoys following this blog. I realise i haven’t posted since the 21st of May, aaaand it’s now nearly a month later….

Honestly? I’ve had very little to write about until quite recently and have since been too busy to write! The good news for anyone who wanted a good read is that this post is going to be looooong!

Anyway, as i’m sure you’ve guessed from the highly mysterious title, i have a new job! In a way i wish i’d written about this earlier in the week because right now i’m in a pretty bad mood (i’ll get to that later in this post) so excuse me if i’m lacking in enthusiasm for it – i promise i was more excited earlier this week!

Basically i applied for a Trainee Pharmacy Advisor/Dispenser job last month and had an interview a few weeks ago. I thought the interview went fairly well, i managed to answer all the questions but i couldn’t tell if the interviewer really liked me or not. I guess i’ve got a bit of a chip on my shoulder (or just that i’ve got crippling mental health problems that mean i’m bad at understanding other people), but she obviously did like me and phoned last week to offer me the job! I started last Monday and it’s been really good. There’s another new girl too so i’m glad i’m not the only newbie, and the company has been wonderful with supporting me so far. There’s SO much to learn and some of the other colleagues said it’ll probably take me around a year to feel like i fully know what i’m doing.

So i guess i’m a legal drug dealer?…
I might change my Facebook to that instead.

Good news numbero dos – Tom and i are going on holiday to Palma Nova in Majorca next week! Infact at this time next week, we’ll probably either be drunk in a bar somewhere or passed out in bed because our flight is next Friday at friggin’ 6.30am. Fortunately we’re travelling to the airport (Newcastle) Thursday late afternoon and staying at the Hilton on site so we’ll only have to get out of bed at say, 4am? The likelihood of me sleeping is slim to none.
We’re only staying 4 nights but i’m excited to get away from reality for a bit! It’s our 1st anniversary on the 26th and i’m struggling to think of a better way to spend it than in another country, far away from work and with time to relax and just spend time together.

Good things that have happened recently (in no particular order):

  1. Tom and i went back to Reds True BBQ on Ecclesall Road because i had a £10 off voucher and we had the huge sharer plate! It was AWESOME. Photo below.18835820_10154684533924537_7538499008029925638_n
  2. Laura invited me to Sundown Adventureland with her and Ashleigh. I remember going as a child with Kirst’ and it honestly hasn’t changed much! Turns out animatronics freak me out as much as i thought they would. Honestly that place is quite creepy? The soft play was great fun though! Nothing quite like having the excuse of a child to work up a sweat and nearly wet yourself laughing at both myself and Laura getting stuck in areas clearly not made for grown women. I also took about 500 photos of Ash so i’ll only include a couple on here.18697984_10154669297894537_3496493595727502094_n18698254_10154669311854537_7583407322371673101_n
  3. Bibbs visited!! It’s been around 2 years since i last saw her and before that it was around 4 years! Bibbs was my best friend at school and i used to go to her house every morning before school (and usually wait ages for her to get ready and watch her eat porridge). We went for food at Chiquitos and she ended up staying until gone 1am.18813370_10154687248434537_1461968135275652467_n
  4. Kirsty also visited! We went to a slightly less boujee McDonalds for our dinner and just had a good catch up. I’m actually staying round hers tomorrow night too. And obviously we took photos.18765785_10154696261069537_5152340084599712933_n
  5. Mum took me to Harrogate for a couple of days. We stayed over at the White Hart – which i can definitely recommend! Reception had a bit of a brain fart and gave us a room that had already been taken, causing us to walk in on a couple chilling on the bed! Fortunately they weren’t doing anything but we were all pretty shocked. The hotel was great about it though and bumped us up to a premium room in a different building next door, which was lovely and spacious. Mum also treated me to my first ever massage and although it only lasted 30 minutes, it did my knackered shoulders some good. The masseuse even said “you’re rock solid like your Mum!” The next day Mum dragged me around about a million charity shops (not quite as exciting) and i was getting all hot and flustered and moody – just for a change – so we eventually gave up and came home.18740353_10154683828394537_4783629198400342340_n
  6. I voted for the first time in a general election! Yes yes terrible i know seeing as i was 21 last time but i was working in Sheffield and technically living in Mansfield so there had been no way of me getting to vote. As i’m a liberal hippy, i voted Labour. We might not have won but i’m proud of Corbae for such a great campaign and getting over 70% of young people to vote!
  7. Laura and Chris had a BBQ last weekend that everyone attended, including some of their family from Canada. We made s’mores on the fire pit and i ate so much meat i ended up with stomach ache and had to take an indigestion tablet. Also took some amusing snapchat photos with Laura.

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Aaaaaand the bad stuff:

  • Tom found out what was wrong with his knee. Basically, it’s not something that can be cured and means he has to take pretty killer meds for an unknown amount of time (possibly several years). These meds mean he can’t drink, his hair might thin and he might have nausea, could cause liver damage and also mean we shouldn’t try for a baby due to the risk of birth defects. I know it hasn’t fully sunk in for him yet what this condition means and i guess it hasn’t for me either. I’m staying pretty positive about the whole thing though. As i said to him, it doesn’t have to be debilitating – the whole reason he’s going on meds is so his body can heal without attacking itself, so his knee should eventually mend. It feels very unfair on him to get something classed as an older person’s health problem, he’s only 33 after all. He said my mental health and subsequent unemployment would be the hardest thing we’ve ever faced together. Now i’m positive this condition will be. It breaks my heart because i wish i could help. I even wish i could have it instead of him – i’m already messed up, what’s a little more pain? Most people would say this will either make or break us. I know for a fact that getting through this will only make us stronger in the long run, despite all the short term effects it’s having on our relationship, and i don’t doubt for a second that we’ll be okay.

 

  • Today hasn’t been a good day. A bad mood came over me like a punch in the face this evening and i haven’t managed to pick it up since. I’ve spent just over an hour writing this post which has successfully distracted me but it’s midnight and i’m up at 6.30am and i just know i won’t sleep until probably 2am now. I’m struggling to shake the internal voices that i’m a piece of shit who should just give up on life right now because i’ll just continue causing the people who love me pain and anguish. I’m feeling quite isolated, antisocial and as though i’m trapped in that horrible bubble i spent years inside. The bubble thing is a drawing i used to do, pretty self explanatory but i’d basically draw me in a circle and write all the things/people that i felt connected to inside and all the things/people i felt disconnected to on the outside. This evening it’s just me in there alone.

 

I guess i should go to bed now in the hope that i fall asleep in the next hour. I’ve been listening to a lot of my Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows audiobook so i’ll stick that on. Stephen Fry does all the voices of the characters, it’s great.

I promise i’ll write again soon. I won’t leave it nearly a month this time!

L x

depression · ramble · self harm

Why i quit my job

This is an awkward topic of conversation, and one that i’ve been forced to have with several people over the past couple of weeks.
As anyone who follows my blog or social media knows, i recently left my job at Sainsbos for another Supervisor position at a different company. It was slightly better pay, slightly better hours and as i’d had trouble with one of my managers at Sainsbos, a new start.

My first week started off a bit wobbly – i wasn’t given much notice of my shifts and they got changed a couple of times and people turned out to be on holiday blah blah. It also turned out to be an entirely different job than i expected. I knew it was a 44 hour contract, meaning 9 hour days, but other staff in my role were doing 14 hour shifts 4 or 5 days a week! Every single colleague i met mentioned how hard management work and how many hours they put in (i add – for no overtime, as the role was salaried). With it being a much larger store than my previous one, i expected a larger management team. Shockingly, there were only 3 senior management (Store Manager, Assistant Manager and Supervisor) and 2 or 3 lower level managers (Lead Sales) with usually only 2 managers on overlapping shifts leading a team of 10-20 staff, compared to 1-2 managers leading a team of 1-5 at Sainsbos. Not to mention the staff did not seem to be allowed to do anything without authorization from a manager, not even till voids. It was a mentally and physically hard job that i thought i would cope with.

My second week, i injured my left foot. I eventually went to the walk in centre and then the minor injuries unit about it to find out that it was my poor choice of footwear that had led me to suffer from a strained arch that would heal with orthotic shoes or insoles.
Unfortunately i suffer from a severe case of “ahh it’ll be orate”, so i had most of my second week off work before seeing a professional about it.
A couple of days into my second week and the pain was still there, so i was forced to take more time off. Tom had booked this week off work to try and de-stress and was instead forced to endure my miserable company.
The next day i had a breakdown. Tom had been trying to get me to go into work that day, telling me what impact my actions would have if i continued to refuse (i could technically walk but it caused me a lot of pain and that job involved 8+ hours of constant walking). It escalated and the only other part i remember clearly is when he threatened to phone an ambulance because i refused to move and he thought i might’ve taken something.
One of my symptoms of whatever my problem is (i’ve suspected Borderline Personality Disorder for several months and Tom agrees) is that i have memory loss around situations where i feel a lot of emotion, especially ones where i am angry or upset. Unfortunately this means i can’t really give much more of an insight of what was said that night but i know it was the worst state i’d gotten myself into in a long time.

I’m not sure what week it was or if i went back in again after that – as i said, memory loss problems – but it got to a day where i was due in the next morning. I was sat thinking of reasons and excuses not to go in when i started to seriously consider “doing something”.
Vague, i know. It’s another difficult thing to talk about, despite me trying to be so open about mental health, but i’ve just always found it uncomfortable to say outloud that i was considering harming myself seriously enough to warrant medical attention.
This option had other benefits for me – i knew i needed to get professional help with my emotional issues and even though they would probably view it as the attention seeking behaviour it was, surely that would push things along a little quicker? Sure it would be taking a risk; they might not take it seriously or they could take it too seriously and try to section me, but that risk would’ve been worth it.

The fact that i was even considering this…just made me stop in my tracks.
I had two options at hand: do something potentially dangerous and serious in order to get out of work and grab the attention of the mental health services but in doing so possibly risk my life and hurt those around me, or quit my job and see a Doctor in the proper way.

Thankfully, “normal me” was in control at that moment and made the safer decision to leave of my own accord – which i was more than entitled to do as i had no notice period.
Everybody i’ve tried to explain it to, i’ve emphasised that i didn’t have another choice and that it wasn’t an actual decision. This is true in some respects. “Normal me” fortunately has enough self preservation left to realise that the other option wasn’t really an option at all, and that the effects of choosing that path would have been much worse than struggling with money for a month or two until i found another job that was less stressful and not a management role.
I don’t enjoy being unemployed. It’s boring and mildly depressing, but i have the years of experience, training and qualifications that i didn’t have last time i was unemployed, so i’m remaining positive that i’ll be able to find something fairly soon.

In the meantime, it’s giving me the freedom to try and chase the Doctor for a diagnosis and referral, as well as making it easier to get interviews for new jobs thanks to all my spare time.

I’m hoping i’m right in thinking i’ve made the right decision and that this proves to be exactly what i needed. So far i’ve felt less depressed and more focused on getting to a stable place in both work and mind. Fingers crossed this positivity continues!

L x

depression · obsessive compulsive disorder · ocd · ramble · rats · reflecting · self harm · twenties

Things i’m most afraid of

All of my life i’ve been afraid of something.
Mostly irrational fears, like being scared of the dark until i was around 19 and still feeling claustrophobic about it even now.
When i was between 10 and 12 my cousin played an online video game that i believe was in a room escape style while i watched out of the corner of my eye. I remember feeling anxious even though i wasn’t playing or watching properly. In the game, he passed an open door with a mirror angled slightly towards the character’s POV. A dark hooded figure swept past the mirror’s reflection and thus began my fear of mirrors for around 8-10 years.
My OCD happily latched onto this image, which is probably the reason it became such an intense phobia for me, and i used to have rituals if i needed to interact with a mirror in any way.

I’ve sort of grown out of some of my fears as i’ve gotten older. I say ‘sort of’ because i still feel some level of anxiety around them but nowhere near the extreme they used to be.
My fears and worries nowadays tend to be just as irrational for being unfounded but more appropriate for my life, desires and happiness.

A fear of being infertile/having fertility problems 

This one has plagued me for approx 3 years now. I guess it started with myself and a past partner being stupid with contraception. It certainly wasn’t ever a plan to have a baby that early in our relationship but my period still hadn’t returned since stopping the Depo-Provera injection a year previous, so i made an assumption that “it would all be okay”. I know that tends to be the famous last words for a large amount of people but oddly it wasn’t for us. Even after my period returned and we were still sloppy and irresponsible, we never had so much of a scare and my periods kept coming like clockwork. Fast forward to now and i’ve had one scare when it came a day late. I’m hoping i’m just really good at my method of natural birth control by closely tracking my fertile periods, but i’m stuck between not wanting a baby right now and being happy that i’ve not accidentally gotten pregnant, and being terrified that i can’t get pregnant in the first place.

A fear of my partner dying

I suppose this is one that most people have, although my fears easily turn into obsessions that take over my brain. Tom works away a lot and he always drives, so my main worry is that he gets in an accident. This is probably fueled by my experiences of being in 3 car accidents before i turned 16. Logically i know he’s a great driver and has a ton of experience but that does very little to soothe me. I can’t imagine how parents must feel about their children if this is the level of anxiety i can achieve from my healthy, grown up, highly-capable-of-surviving partner dying.

A fear of my mental health deteriorating or never improving

It’s becoming clear that i’ve reached the end of my ability to deal with my mental health alone. I haven’t visited a Dr about it since 2011 and my dealings with them were less than useful. Those close to me keep telling me to speak to a professional about things and it is something i know i need to do, but i’m still a little hesitant. It scares me to think that i might always be this way or worse. It has an effect on every aspect of my life including work and relationships with others. It already stops me from doing certain things and causes other people pain. I can’t remember how long exactly i’ve felt this way but i know it’s a really long time, at least 4 years. Obviously i’m not a Dr or any kind of healthcare professional, but i have my suspicions on what the diagnosis could be. That’s part of the reason i’m still debating whether to seek help or not – i don’t want to be diagnosed and immediately put on medication. Sadly the only way i’m able to get the treatment i want (DBT) is by going through the motions, starting with my GP…

A fear of being emotionally unavailable to my future children

This one is related to the above paragraph. When i have strong emotions or reactions to events, i enter a “zombie state” where i am unavailable, uncooperative and generally a bit of a bitch. I can also deteriorate into this state by either accidentally or purposefully isolating myself from others for a prolonged period of time (aka having a day off work with no plans when Tom is working or away). I feel very sorry that Tom has to deal with this version of me and he’s said before that it’s heartbreaking. It can last anywhere from 5 minutes to 15 hours and i find it nearly impossible to ‘snap out of it’ without external help (aka someone intervening).
We aren’t planning on starting a family just yet, as Tom keeps saying: “house first!”, but as it’s something in the not so distant future, it’s a creeping worry for me that i will still be emotionally unavailable. I’m sure lots of parents will tell me not to fret and that nothing could crush your love for your children etc. I wish i could fully believe them but you hear horrible stories of neglectful mothers and i know how horrible my brain can be sometimes. Take the rats for example: i love those sweet little puddings so much. They’re fantastic and playing with them always makes me feel better, especially when they give me kisses and run up to the cage to greet me. But i can’t always get that far. Some days i can’t even bear to look at them because having something that loves me try to get affection from me feels like glass through my heart. Then comes the guilt of not getting them out to play and the disgust at myself and self pity and it can easily spiral from there. I guess i can’t really compare my pet rats to a child, but it’s the only similar relationship i have to work from.

All in all, it’s fucking terrifying being an adult.

L x

depression · ramble · self harm

The pit (TW: suicidal thoughts)

I spent 2 hours last night looking at articles, reviews and advice online about how many co codomal tablets it would take to kill you. 

I took them out the cupboard and put them into piles of full sheets and half empty sheets. 

I forced myself to put them back in their box and into the cupboard instead of leaving them on the kitchen side like I wanted.

Last week I had a breakdown. Tom said it was heartbreaking. I said mean things. That’s pretty much all I can remember, besides the crying and incessant voice in my head telling me to smash my skull against the wall opposite because that was the only way it would shut it up. 

I didn’t.

Today started off okay. And now everyone is asleep and I’ll be awake until 4am again staring at the ceiling and wondering why is this so hard sometimes. 

It terrifies me that sometimes I want to die and it terrifies me even more that no one is ever going to let me. That I’m probably always going to have somebody stopping me and it always will stop me because the pain it would cause them is too much for me to even consider. I wish it would stop me thinking about it in the first place. But it doesn’t.

Tom wants me to “see a professional” hahaha. That worked out so well last time. They told me I wasn’t depressed, but that I did have anxiety issues and OCD. Apparently self harm and an overdose and recreational drugs aren’t enough to warrant a label so bold as depressed!

And so what if that happens again, what if I go to the psych and they tell me I’m perfectly normal because my fucking social anxiety portrays me as this lovely, polite, sane young lady who giggles all the time. What do I do, record myself when I disappear for 5 hours inside my head? FaceTime her when I’m hysterical because my boyfriend told me I didn’t need to accompany him to his Dr’s appointment because he’d only be 10 minutes??

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, I’m supposed to be over the moon happy and content and someone who potters about the house reading and playing games and occasionally tidying up and talking to people. Not this shell of a human who stares into space for 20 minutes but thinks it was 20 seconds and cries at least 3 times a day and constantly isolates herself.

Am I crazy? I ask myself that question a lot. I never really know the answer. Isn’t everyone a bit crazy? But surely some crazy’s are worse than others. 

All I know is that I’m in a deep black pit and I can’t find a way of pulling myself out.

depression · ramble · reflection · twenties

January rambles

January is off to a weird start so far.

I had a driving lesson last week – probably my most successful so far. I only stalled once in 2 hours, and that was because i had turned around in my seat to look (and swear loudly) at a tree in the middle of the road adjacent, hadn’t noticed i was going uphill and hadn’t put enough gas on. There was also a moment that had me in tears of laughter after Laura (my instructor/Tom’s sister) told me to do a 3 point turn and “show the other learner how it’s done!” (one was pulled up nearby), to which i tried and failed to get into the reverse gear and caused a loud crunching. I ended up pulling over for 5 minutes while i tried to get a grip. Classic me!
The good news is Laura said she thinks i only need to master a couple more things before she’s happy for me to go out in my own car with Tom. So hopefully next month i’ll get my car (still unnamed) insured and MOT’d and taxed and i’ll be able to tootle about, with Tom of course.

This weekend just gone has been a difficult one however. Friday night at work was decent, i had a lot of laughs with some of the lads and i was looking forward to a day off Saturday. Tom didn’t work Friday night as he sometimes does so we were able to wake up at a respectable time. We spent the entire day Saturday lounging on the sofa watching Game of Thrones – i think we did 7 or 8 hours of it? It was a fun, relaxing day until we stopped. As soon as we stopped watching tele and Tom started to think about getting ready for work, my mood just dropped. I don’t remember much of that night but i know i was being stroppy, inconsolable, moody, irritable and distant to begin with. The last thing i did before i went to sleep was write down how i was feeling. It started with talking about how i wanted to die. This is something i still feel from time to time, it ebbs and flows over the years but there’s always a tiny part of me that thinks “this is too hard, i don’t want to keep trying to survive when it would be so easy to give up”. I’m not sure if this is something that will fade over time, or if being with Tom will help eventually or if i need some form of counselling or medication. Usually i can keep a lid on it but it all came storming out this weekend. Sunday morning, i opened my eyes and realised i still felt exactly the same. I hadn’t managed to sleep it off and i felt completely disconnected to the rest of the world. Tom noticed and pushed me to tell him what was wrong. Fortunately i had told him the previous night that when i try to push people away, i actually need them to be closer than ever. He wouldn’t drop it and bless him he was really great. We tried some things to draw me out and they worked…in a fashion. At 1pm i was in streams of tears, head laid on his chest and i talked about how it’s not fair on him or anyone else to love me – everyone gives me so much and i can’t give anything back. And how i don’t understand why sometimes i don’t want to be here when i thought i would stop feeling like that when i left my ex. He listened and comforted and eventually i was able to get up and get ready for work. It took me 4 hours of my 8 hour shift to stop feeling so emotionally exhausted, but eventually i did feel a bit better.

And today i woke up, relatively normal for me. Had a decent day at work. Got home and ate some Weetabix and watched a few Youtube videos and started to write this.

I’m trying not to take this as a bad omen for this year. I’ve not really got any plans for the year yet, apart from Tom and i going away in June for our anniversary, but i don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’m the Queen of planning – it lessens my anxiety and keeps me organised, but i do enjoy being spontaneous too.

This time last year, i wanted to be dead all day every day.
This year, i feel like that maybe once every few weeks?
Who knows what next year will bring.

L x

depression · ramble · self harm

In the throes (TW:self harm)

Right now i’m sat on the sofa. I’ve been here for a couple of hours and the past one has been a non stop struggle to keep from hurting myself.
I’ve been a self harmer for 7 years, though i stopped in September 2013 and have only relapsed twice since then.

My thought process is odd.
It starts as an all consuming need. All other thoughts disappear and it seems impossible to resist. My body tenses and adrenaline pulses through it. There’s nothing else in the world but that moment. I know i’ll instantly feel better and the shouting in my head will stop. I force myself to freeze. The moment i relax i’ll throw a punch at the nearest table or wall. The first part is all about impact and emotion.

If i can get through that stage, next comes the reasoning. I’m not yet unfrozen and my brain tries a different tactic. It tells me that i can have it both ways. I can hurt myself without the shame or guilt when someone finds out. I can harm my legs or the tops of my arms. It’s cold and i won’t get questioned if i wear leggings or pyjama bottoms for the next 3 weeks. My logical side mentions that i don’t even have a ‘weapon’. I threw my blades away months ago and i’d never be brave enough to push down with a knife. She knows that punching things won’t cut it now, i want instant marks, blood. My resourceful side says i should break open my shaving razor. I’ve done it enough times, i know how to get in while keeping them intact. My practical side says i don’t have the spare money for a new razor right now and would be giving up my option to remain fuzz free. And the rest of me understands this, but doesn’t really care.

I know that if i keep the voices talking long enough, if i can resist, i’ll get the strength to say no and resume whatever i was doing before. And yet i also know how hard it is to ignore the shouting, that it would be oh so easy to give in. Feeling that pain would make me feel human again. I’d be part of the world, grounded and present. It would be so easy to do and would help me for a number of weeks until it finally healed.

The only thing stopping me is how i know i’ll feel when i finish and look at whatever mess i make of myself. Disgust. Guilt. Anger. Disappointment. Nothing makes me happy like hurting myself and yet nothing makes me more depressed than having hurt myself.

This time i’ve distracted myself with writing this post. I’m not always so successful.

7 years and it’s still no easier to resist.

 

depression · Uncategorized

A dark post

Since entering my 20’s, people are always surprised when i tell them my age.
It’s a common theme for everyone to react with “you seem much older than that” or “you don’t act that young”.

In truth i wish i did seem my age. I know the reason i don’t is that i’ve seen so many horrors in the world. I learnt to keep quiet as a child when i was mentally abused. That followed me into my teenage years, where i isolated myself from those who loved me. And now i’m an adult, an adult with interpersonal issues who doesn’t have a full grasp of social and personal boundaries and no urge to share information/secrets with others.

It takes a lot for me to post on here. It’s not that i find it physically or mentally difficult to type out the words, it’s more that nothing comes into my head.
I used to keep diaries and spill my innermost secrets, or confess them to best friends.
Spending 2 years with someone who threatened me, who threw objects at me and pushed me about changed that.
Staying awake all night because the person i was infatuated with had tried to kill themselves again and i didn’t know if they were going to wake up changed that.
Finding my partner passed out on the bathroom floor after overdosing changed that too.

Under my superficial desires for Disney and cuddly toys, i’m older than my years. But i’ve paid a price for it.