20s · depression · ramble · twenties

Work and crazy don’t mix

So i always try to be as honest and open about my life as possible with you guys. This is made harder because i actually know a lot of you. Around half of you reading come from my Facebook, and i have no idea who, so for all i know you could be my Year 7 science teacher who i cried over for weeks when they left, or even the ex best friend who got with my ex-ex-ex-ex-ex (etc) boyfriend two days after we split up. I don’t pretend to count all my Facebook friends as real friends. I had a clear out about a month ago and got rid of like 300 people, but even now there’s people on there i haven’t seen for 10+ years or who i keep on my “friends” list simply for the joy of bitching to my fiance every time they post something so mind numbingly stupid (and hilarious). I won’t name any names because they might delete me and then where would i get my sadistic joy?
I digress…

My life has been full of ups and downs recently. I say recently…it’s been like this for as long as i can remember.
I’ve got a self destructive personality and i’m crazy, what do you expect?
Recently all i’ve heard is “wow things are going great for you at the minute!” and “it looks like things are going your way”. I replied to every single person in the same manner, “yep! It means something is going to royally fuck up soon!”
Of course everyone shouted this down and tried to convince me not to be so pessimistic and that it probably just means that it’s time for a bit of respite in my ever fluctuating world…and so obviously they were wrong. Something did go wrong. I no longer have a job. I don’t want to go into it but the general jist is that my issues are too severe to continue ignoring, especially my anxiety, and that i need to seek medical help before i try to attempt full time work again. Clearly i need some kind of income, so i’m now on the lookout for something part time but i’m hoping that sticking to 3 or 4 days per week will allow me time to harass my GP, as well as lessening the anxiety about going into work. Forcing myself to go for 3 days is a lot easier than 5.

The biggest downside to this is that it pushes our plans back again. We had planned to talk to a mortgage adviser in September to see if we’d be able to get a house. Obviously that won’t be happening now and i think it’s unlikely we’ll get to that point until at least next year.
I also mentioned we’re looking at getting married in 2019. Well the good news is we haven’t spoken about pushing that back any further yet! It’s still 2 years away and our only concrete plan is to look at venue’s in the next 6 months – hopefully by which time i’ll be on the road to…i nearly typed recovery then. I don’t think recovery is a possibility, after all i’ve felt like this for as long as i can remember, probably 10-15 years. Hopefully by then i’ll be getting the help i need, be that in medicinal or therapy form.
So the biggest thing it affects is probably the house! This is probably freaking Tom out more than myself because i never really expected to get a house anytime soon, plus my credit rating ain’t great! He did comment on some houses to rent the other day so i assume we’ll go back to one of our old plans of finding somewhere bigger to rent before we save up a deposit to buy maybe this time next year.

Anyway, it’s going to continue to be tough money wise for a bit. Especially for me because i’m already at the limit on my credit cards. I just need to keep telling myself that this is temporary, and that i will eventually find a job i can keep and that doesn’t make me anxious, then hopefully the Doctor will stick me on meds that will actually work and life will finally mellow out. I honestly can’t wait for the day when i’m sat at the computer, praying that the kids have gone to sleep after putting them down for the 3rd time and considering sharing a bottle of wine and watching Deadpool with my husband before bed while we discuss what to pack on our trip to Disney World later that year.

I haven’t told anyone besides Tom and my Mum yet so if you’re reading this and you’re somebody i’m close to, i’m sorry for not telling you personally, i’ve been avoiding it all weekend. I also knew i’d have to make a post about it, if only to get it off my chest. At least i’ve finally emerged into semi-public (aka the internet) and have had a productive day (i cleaned the rats out and filled the dishwasher)! Yay me!!

And as a treat to myself (because i’m a millennial and we’re all incapable of doing anything without the promise of a reward after every minuscule task), i’m going to bed to watch Drag Race!

L x

 

20s · ramble · twenties

Driving test

This morning i woke up nearly chundering from the nerves of it all.
Alas, my driving test was only several hours and i had visions of crashing or just losing it completely!

Laura (my instructor/friend/soon to be sister-in-law) picked me up and we had 30-40 minutes driving around the block, in which i slightly ballsed up every manoeuvre we practised. I topped this off by completely messing up my reverse bay park by being too far left and failing to get it into reverse properly – cue a loud crunch.
Shook this off and refused to make eye contact with the 5 or so people watching, and headed inside.
A quick pre-drive pee and my examiner came in to get me! He was nicer than i expected, explained everything fully with details and chatted to me briefly while we walked. He also asked me the easiest ‘Show Me, Tell Me’ questions (fault with ABS and demisting the windscreens) and chose one of the easiest manoeuvres (turn in the road).

The actual driving was pretty normal! There were a few moments where i was unsure of the speed, especially as the roads felt like they should’ve been slower or faster than 30, but i didn’t get marked down for speeding so my assumptions were correct!
I received 4 minors. One for failing to signal at the correct time coming up to a roundabout (i moved over to the right fairly late and it just completely slipped my mind until i had already pulled out), one for positioning (i chose to pull up next to someone’s drive, but in my defence the entire road was full of drives!), one for mirrors (i expected a lot more for this so i’m chuffed with that) and one for forward planning (failed to pull into the right lane to turn off because there were loads of cars in that lane and i didn’t think anyone would let me in, so i didn’t even try).

So yeah, the good news is – i passed!!!! Laura and i jumped and squealed and hugged each other when he told us and then celebrated with lunch!

For someone who said they would never drive, i’m chuffed i managed to do it within 10 months of starting driving lessons, especially as i haven’t had regular weekly lessons since April!
Unfortunately it’s unlikely i’ll be able to insure my car until i get paid at the end of the month, but that’s only just over 2 weeks away!

Here’s my serious “nice” photo, and the silly one we took first when i thought Laura was taking the picture from the back of the car (okay, i’m a div sometimes).

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L x

20s · babies · Body Positive · childhood · ramble · reflection · twenties

Boys shouldn’t wear makeup

I got home from work today and decided to spend a couple of hours watching The Secret Life of 4, 5 and 6 Year Olds and play Sims 4.
It’s a great show and i always find it interesting to see what children talk about with others their own age.

Today’s episode was a little different though. There was an experiment in which they were paired off and had to dress up like a married couple, and at the end they were told about a twist in which they would have to swap outfits and essentially dress up as the opposite sex.
A scary percentage of the children (mainly the girls surprisingly!) were making fun of the boys and saying that ‘boys shouldn’t wear dresses or makeup’ and it got me thinking.
The programme has little segments introducing a few of the kids’ families and most are in or around my age range, or at least around Tom’s (21-35). This is essentially my generation that are still teaching our children gender stereotypes and that inanimate objects can be only for a certain group of people. I find this really unhealthy and quite worrying!

I suppose it’s impossible for me to understand how you could be so closed minded about what toys and clothes your children can have because i’m someone who will give pretty much anything a go once and i’m a huge hippie (without the cultural appropriation/dreads).
But what benefit can you see from putting a child in a box and forcing it to act a certain way? As a kid i loved Barbie and horses and Polly Pocket, but i also enjoyed catching spiders and keeping them as a pet in a tissue box and playing make believe games because i was ALWAYS the boy/husband and learning how to play football with my Dad on Colwick Park. Haven’t we learnt anything? Repressing feelings only leads to resentment, unhappiness and an extreme pressure to act a certain way.

I find it painful to see 5 year olds already dictating to others about what they “should” and “shouldn’t” do and although society will play some part in that, i can’t help but look at the parents and wonder why. It’s inevitably something passed down through generations and i understand that traditional families still exist but it just doesn’t feel like we’ve learnt anything. Surely there’s enough hate and stress in the world already without adding in this expectation, this list of rules that you have to stick to for the rest of your life and if you don’t then you’re abnormal and weird and will be taunted and bullied…

I have quite a clear vision of the type of parent i want to be someday. It’s a mix of picking out the really good ideas my own parents have, learning from the mistakes they made and refusing to make them myself and things i have seen other parents do on Instagram/YouTube/blogs. Nothing would make me happier than seeing my future son having the time of his life in an Elsa dress and no strangers feel the need to make comments, or a daughter that follows her dream and becomes an expert mechanic (quite likely with her genetics to be honest!). Fortunately this is something i know Tom and i will agree on. I don’t know whether that’s upbringing or simply that we’re quite weird ourselves, but i’m completely determined that whatever humans we create will be self confident and free to be whoever they want to be.

L x

20s · ramble · reflecting · reflection

One year to the day

It’s finally here. The day i’ve been apprehensively waiting for.

One year ago today i watched High School Musical 2 and got picked up by my boyfriend-at-the-time at around 7pm. We went to McDonalds.
I was already planning to leave him within the next couple of weeks at this point but even now i’m not sure if i ever would’ve had the courage to.

Fortunately, he gave me a push. He asked for my phone to put a Spotify playlist on for the drive home. I offered to do it myself if he told me the name of the playlist. He demanded i give him my phone and he made attempts to snatch it off me. We ended up arguing, him shouting at me that i had something to hide. He probably thought i was cheating on him but in reality, i was pretty sure a friend had just text me mentioning my planned escape.

He drove us home like a maniac. I shouted at him to drive more carefully or he’ll end up killing us both. He didn’t listen.
We pulled up to our flat in one piece and he shouted at me again to explain what i was hiding. I refused and he stormed off inside, and i followed.

He went into the living room, the place that had been his bedroom for a couple of months, and i went into ‘our’ bedroom and looked around. I told myself it was now or never and so i began to make a small pile of things to take with me. I’d already made a plan with Janine a couple of months previous where i told her there would come a night where i would text her at near midnight saying i was coming over. She only lived a 5 minute walk from us thankfully.
I messaged her to let her know that tonight was the night and hunted for my work clothes. My trousers and deodorant were in the living room so i left them until last because i was convinced he would try and stop me leaving, even with physical force if it came to it. It wasn’t something i’d have put past him.

He noticed straight away when i skulked into the living room and asked what i was doing. I told him i was staying at Janine’s for tonight. He got up and followed me around, meaning i didn’t have chance to grab anything else. I never managed to get my trousers.
I put on my shoes and coat and ignored him raising his voice again, questioning me.

When i got to the front door, he opened it and shouted ‘if you leave now, it’s over!’
I repeated ‘i’m just staying at Janine’s for tonight’ and he slammed the front door. I threw myself in the lift, heart racing and smashed the 0 button.

Once i got outside the building, i ran to Janine’s street, looking behind me every 2 seconds. I was completely convinced he would follow me, try to stop me or bring me back. Looking back, i think he wanted it to be over too.
It was a turbulent relationship from the start. He was a very angry person, aggressive and controlling. He never told me i couldn’t see my friends or i wasn’t allowed to do things without him, but by our 1 year anniversary i found myself to be without friends apart from those at work and each time i went somewhere by myself or with someone who wasn’t him i’d be bombarded with texts and calls and questioned when i got home if i hadn’t replied as much as he wanted. He didn’t physically hit me but i had objects thrown at me on a couple of occasions or he would threaten to do things like push me out the car and drive off or throw me off the bed or out the window when i asked him to roll over so he wouldn’t snore so loud.
I was far from perfect. I completely gave in to the dark side of me and closed up. I didn’t want to talk or be touched or even be looked at. I just existed alongside him and replied to conversation he tried to make, trying to resist jumping out of our 4th floor window.

I actually challenged him about his behaviour once. Towards the end i became less passive and joined in with arguments he started. I told him that something had to change because we were going to end up killing each other and that he needed to get control of his anger. He turned the entire conversation around on me, because in his eyes it was always my fault. My fault for making him angry, my fault that i didn’t want to have sex or even hold hands. He seemed incapable of linking my destructive behaviours to events or things he had done.

I don’t regret dating him. He pulled me out of a depression, gave me the opportunity to escape Mansfield and move to Sheffield and drove me to an interview for a part time job that led to a full time promotion within 10 months i’m still doing now.
His family have become an extension of mine and i will always adore his Mum and little sister and see them as my own.
I simply wish i’d had the courage and strength to leave when i first realised we weren’t destined to last.

This is the first time i’ve spoken so openly on the internet about what really happened. It’s good to get it out my head – the year anniversary has been plaguing me all morning.

I feel like it’s finally time to move on.

(Pictures below from my Timehop: the food i ate from McDonalds, my bed at Janine’s when i arrived, my first selfie of a fresh start)

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20s · Body Positive · ramble

New Years resolutions

I don’t tend to bother with resolutions. It always feels like you’re setting yourself up to fail when you make these empty promises to yourself about how you’ll quit smoking or lose a stone. And by the end of the year, most people can’t even remember what they promised in the first place.

So i’m not setting any ‘New Years resolutions’ as such and i’m not making any assurances that i’ll follow through with the wishes/hopes for the year that i am going to write down. All of these are very doable with minimal effort from me – a lucky thing as i’m incredibly unmotivated.

  1. Learn to drive. I’m already on my way to doing this and i hope to take my test next Summer.
  2. Eat healthier. Once again, not difficult as my diet has been far from perfect. I don’t care about losing weight, i just want to feel healthier and not succumb to quite as many night time binges.
  3. Move into a bigger house (with Tom). Currently i’m officially living with my housemate Janine but i spend most of my time at Tom’s flat. My contract is up in May so we’ll be able to look for somewhere at the start of Summer.
  4. Write more. I’ve recently come up with a couple of ideas for a book and i want to take blogging more seriously. It’s a lifetime goal to have a book published so here’s hoping i can make progress on that in 2017.
  5. Go on holiday or book one for 2018. Tom and i have so many places we want to visit, fingers crossed we can cross one off!
  6. Change jobs. Something i’ve been considering for about 6 months now. Unfortunately my workplace pays quite well for the job i do so i may have to change careers entirely and start from the bottom..

I’ve got a good feeling about 2017.

20s · broody · ramble · twenties · Uncategorized

Love

There’s been several times in my life when I thought I was in love. I’m not talking about love for my family or friends or Harry Potter. I mean actual love for another non-related human in a romantic sense.

I said I was in love when I was dating my first long term boyfriend. We were 15 and pretty smitten with each other.

I said I was in love again when I was “the other woman” in my first girl/girl relationship. It was exciting and turbulent.

I’ve been wrong every single time until now.

This wasn’t love at first sight. Our first face to face encounter was at my workplace. He came in to buy beer and I served him. Our second meeting involved me stumbling out of a taxi in a tiny red dress, looking at him and thinking “oh good, he’s as tall as he said he was!” I proceeded to get horrendously drunk and try to convince him to come back to mine at 2 in the morning to meet my rats, despite having work at 6am. It still wasn’t love on our second date (we always count this as date 1 and 1/2). He drove me around in his car to Bakewell and back and we chatted. He gave me my first ever bottle of smart water. Date 3 (or 2 and 1/2) was a meal at an Indian restaurant in town. He kept checking his smart watch which I found a little rude and the date had to end at 10pm because he had work. I was disgruntled because I’d worn a very low cut top and it hadn’t convinced him to skive off.

And then something changed for both of us. Neither of us know when or why, but suddenly dating other people wasn’t an option. He asked me out officially via text when he was drunk on a stag do in Dublin. We started seeing each other more and more; eventually we spent some time just being at home chatting rather than getting drunk. I remember this one night when I was supposed to be getting dropped off at mine – we ended up talking for over 3 hours and we told each other secrets we hadn’t told anyone else. I gave him puppy dog eyes until he agreed to let me sleepover. 

Now I’m laid in his bed, although I should technically call it our bed because I’ve only been “home” once in the past 3 weeks. I’m alone because he’s down south for work until Wednesday. I nearly cried infront his entire family yesterday when he left and I cried when I got back to the empty flat last night. I always find the first night the hardest and now I’m laid here for the second time, all I feel is a need for him to be next to me. He annoys me when he snores and he steals the covers and makes me jump when he touches/cuddles me in my sleep but it isn’t the same without him here. 

I’m a grown adult – well, most of the time – and I’m perfectly capable of managing without his physical presence but it feels like half of me is missing. I don’t feel like a whole person without him. 

I’ve never experienced this before. Sure I’ve missed people and wished they were there but this is so different. And that’s part of how I know this is it. He’s “the one”. 

I used to be super cynical of anyone who said l that but I get it now. All the terrible cheesy love songs make sense. I get why people would get married and commit forever. Something has clicked in my head and it’s never clicking off again.

20s · body love · Body Positive · fashion · favourites · feminism · lora's favourites · ramble · review · self love · Uncategorized

Lora’s Favourites: Instagrammers

This is a new series of posts i’m starting called “Lora’s Favourites”. I plan to feature Youtubers, Twitter accounts, bloggers and more!
Today we’re starting with Instagram.
Instagram is my favourite social media outlet and i follow over 400 accounts so this list was hard to make!
I’ll probably keep my other lists to a top 10 but this time i’ve gone for 20.

In no particular order..

  1. TheSassySade – Who doesn’t love a burlesque performer? Especially one with such incredible cheekbones and a micro fringe.
  2. AmandaApparel – A plus size fashion blogger with awesome hair and an aesthetically pleasing Insta’.
  3. JazMulligan – Not only is she insanely good at makeup, she also has a great singing voice!
  4. Janineaam – Okay i may be a little biased for this one as she’s my housemate, but i love seeing her OOTD’s and food posts.
  5. DarlingHeart – A great fashionista with flawless hair and a fellow lover of Cath Kidston.
  6. RocknRollBabydoll – Someone i discovered on Instagram years ago, an expert at perfect selfies.
  7. Sophaaaaa – Buzzcut, body positive babe with the greatest thighs in existence.
  8. Katt.Wolfe – Plus sized, Scottish and a model. What more could you want?
  9. Binkylastrange – I started following Rowen because i loved her look and body positivity. Now her Instagram mainly contains photos of her daughter and it’s a different kind of wonderful.
  10. TheCurvySoprano – Her friend commented on one of my selfies tagging her in it and saying we were twins. I never did thank her for introducing me to one of my favourite Insta’ accounts!
  11. Kirsty_Elizabeth – Once again, i’m probably quite biased as this girl is my cousin and best friend. She deserves a HELLA LOAD more followers than she has and has recently created another account for her photography (see here).
  12. Liquid_Universe – Feminism, body positivity and plus size fashion – the best kind of Instagram.
  13. Mad_Cat_Lady88 – I follow several “Mom” accounts, but Fran’s is one of my favourites. Her daughter is crazily cute and her posts always make me feel warm.
  14. Melissablows – I’ve actually become friends with Melissa through Instagram and i love seeing her updates. Another person who deserves so many more followers. If you like Disney and dogs, she’s your girl.
  15. Charlotteamyxo – A tattooed babe with a pug. I always look forward to seeing what hair colour she’s going for next.
  16. Amyzena – Harry Potter and Black Milk. This girl has awesome hair and even better taste in clothing.
  17. DecemberDam – I can’t remember how i stumbled across Erin’s Instagram but i’m so glad i did. Absolutely makeup and hair goals, as well as the recent addition in baby Jones makes this one of my favourites to see on my feed.
  18. ZephyrLestrange – I first found Zephyr on Tumblr in around 2011-2012 and admired their look. Now they’re even more of a elven babe and are a fellow rat parent (so how can i resist?).
  19. ToriBiohazard – Makeup goals for life. Goth queen. Enough said.
  20. CharlieRoseHill – Another mum blogger! Charlie’s Instagram is real and full of cute selfies and photos of her sweet little boy.

 

And that wraps up my favourite Instagrammers! Stay tuned for more social media favs.

Lora x