20s · ramble · twenties

Driving test

This morning i woke up nearly chundering from the nerves of it all.
Alas, my driving test was only several hours and i had visions of crashing or just losing it completely!

Laura (my instructor/friend/soon to be sister-in-law) picked me up and we had 30-40 minutes driving around the block, in which i slightly ballsed up every manoeuvre we practised. I topped this off by completely messing up my reverse bay park by being too far left and failing to get it into reverse properly – cue a loud crunch.
Shook this off and refused to make eye contact with the 5 or so people watching, and headed inside.
A quick pre-drive pee and my examiner came in to get me! He was nicer than i expected, explained everything fully with details and chatted to me briefly while we walked. He also asked me the easiest ‘Show Me, Tell Me’ questions (fault with ABS and demisting the windscreens) and chose one of the easiest manoeuvres (turn in the road).

The actual driving was pretty normal! There were a few moments where i was unsure of the speed, especially as the roads felt like they should’ve been slower or faster than 30, but i didn’t get marked down for speeding so my assumptions were correct!
I received 4 minors. One for failing to signal at the correct time coming up to a roundabout (i moved over to the right fairly late and it just completely slipped my mind until i had already pulled out), one for positioning (i chose to pull up next to someone’s drive, but in my defence the entire road was full of drives!), one for mirrors (i expected a lot more for this so i’m chuffed with that) and one for forward planning (failed to pull into the right lane to turn off because there were loads of cars in that lane and i didn’t think anyone would let me in, so i didn’t even try).

So yeah, the good news is – i passed!!!! Laura and i jumped and squealed and hugged each other when he told us and then celebrated with lunch!

For someone who said they would never drive, i’m chuffed i managed to do it within 10 months of starting driving lessons, especially as i haven’t had regular weekly lessons since April!
Unfortunately it’s unlikely i’ll be able to insure my car until i get paid at the end of the month, but that’s only just over 2 weeks away!

Here’s my serious “nice” photo, and the silly one we took first when i thought Laura was taking the picture from the back of the car (okay, i’m a div sometimes).

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L x

family · holiday

Mallorca 2017

Hello hello! I have returned from holiday slightly less pale but fortunately not burnt. Quite how i avoided the woes of sunburn this time i’m not sure, possibly something to do with the unbearable heat causing both of us to hide in our hotel room for the hottest parts of the days.
Anyway, we had a wonderful time and as i’m sure you saw in my previous post, we got engaged! I won’t go into that too much seeing as i’ve already covered it but i’m sure it’ll pop up.

So without further ado, here’s what we got up to on hollibobs:

 

Day 1 (travelling day)
We had a rather rude awakening at 4am, especially so for myself thanks to not being able to sleep until 2am! We stayed at the Hilton at Newcastle Airport the night before and had quite a nice dinner in the hotel restaurant. I, of course, was in my scruffs (baggy top, leggings, old Vans) but we were on holiday so who gives a toss?
I can’t fault Newcastle airport for the speed we got through customs and security, however, we didn’t have much luck with Burger King’s this holiday and it started with a 20 minute queue line at 5.30am. Totally worth it though, BK’s breakfast hash browns are amazing!!
The flight was pretty uneventful, no turbulence on the way there. We flew with Jet2 and i found their seats to be roomier and a little more comfortable than Ryanair’s.
After arriving and getting through Palma Airport, we got driven to our hotel by the grumpiest coach driver ever. Not that i can judge – i think i’d be pretty grouchy if i had to drive a bunch of english people about in the blazing heat all day.
Checked into Hotel Garbada and our original room…left a lot to be desired! We had a good laugh at the wobbly fan that appeared to be the alleged “air con” and debated over how we were going to push the two single beds together. Quickly we realised that spending 4 nights in a room with no windows and no air con in 32 degree heat was going to be hell, so Tom used his boyish charms to get us a reduced price upgrade to a much nicer room – with air con!!!

We dumped our stuff and headed out to the restaurant-y bit of town (the beach front) and ended up finding a really nice place called “Abracadabra” that specialised in pizzas. We both had burgers that promised to be handmade and they were DELICIOUS. Possibly one of the best burgers i’ve had, i can definitely recommend having the one with goats cheese!
I can’t actually remember which restaurant we visited for our first night…but we had food, a few drinks and tried to call it a night but ended up bombarded by what seemed to be 500+ 12-16 year olds walking around at 11pm? It turned out there was some kind of festival on that we completely missed. A bit of a shame but we never would’ve stayed out that night, not after 2 hours sleep and being up since 4am.

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Day 2
We started off by traipsing around looking for a car to hire for the following day. After several hours of this, we gave up and got a taxi to Marine Land! It was more expensive than i expected at 24 euros each, but it was nearby and would give us something to do for a few hours. Well, it turns out, it’s tiny! And there were children abusing the terrapins/turtles by picking them up and throwing them about! I kept harping on all day about how they were all going to get ill from the salmonella that reptiles such as turtles/terrapins carry, or that they would get bitten (this did happen to a little girl and it made me laugh).
So obviously, i was due a bit of karma.
If i could go back in time and not drink the delicious chocolate milkshake i chose that day, i totally would. I’d never been subjected to food poisoning before and honestly i’m not sure it’s something i’d like to do again! Fortunately i only threw up for an hour (7 times!), but it was already 8.30pm and i didn’t start to feel semi normal until gone 10pm, by which point we gave up on our plan of heading to Magaluf’s strip and went to bed instead.

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Day 3
I woke up feeling…not my best, but no longer dizzy/sick/like my guts were falling out my butt. We skipped the free breakfast at the hotel and headed to “Dolphin Restaurant and Bar” for some superbly delicious scrambled eggs on toast. We mulled about, paddled in the sea and considered going for a swim (until Tom kept saying there was a crab near my foot and i refused to go back in) and settled for a glass of probably the best orange juice i’ve ever had at a bar on the actual beach – sadly i can’t remember the name!
Headed back to the hotel for a few hours, then back out for lunch (a tuna baguette) and Tom got some fro-yo with crumbled Oreos, strawberries and hot white chocolate sauce from “llaollao”. Went back to the hotel because we were dying in the sun and got ready to go for dinner and head to Magaluf….and get engaged! The restaurant we visited that evening was called “Si-Yu Bar and Restaurant” and it was really great. Delicious food, quiet atmosphere and the waiter even gave us a little glass of free bubbly that turned out to taste like a mix of white wine and prosecco. He also made a mean boozy coffee. Aaaand if you’ve read my previous post, you know the rest of what happened that night. If not, go back and read it!

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Day 4
We escaped the dreaded hangover and had lovely pizzas at yet another restaurant whose name i can’t remember….i need to pay more attention on my surroundings..
Anyway, they were delicious! We soon gave up with doing anything because it was another scorching day and Tom had painful blisters all over his feet. We did pop to the pharmacy to pick up painkillers and plasters though.
For dinner, we had saved the best for last – Ciro’s. A beautiful restaurant with an amazing view of the sea and bay, incredible food and fabulous service! I can’t recommend it enough!! We had a slow walk back to the hotel and packed for our flight back the next day.

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And that’s about it! We caught a coach to the airport, visited the absolute WORST Burger King in existence (45 minute queue time and they still got our order wrong!!) and sat one infront of the other on the plane home. A 2 and a half drive home from Newcastle, a quick pitstop for a wee and to say hi to the rats and we went to Aagrah because Tom had been craving Indian food all holiday.

I’ve gotten over most of the holiday blues now but i really can’t wait to go to Cyprus in September. 4 days away isn’t enough! Plus we have a villa in September so we might actually dare to go in the pool (the one at the hotel was a little dubious due to the lack of people in it..).

L x

 

ramble · twenties · wedding

I’m engaged!

If you follow me on Instagram or Twitter, or have me as a friend on Facebook then you’ll already know the big news.
But for those of you who don’t – and haven’t guessed from the very subtle title of this post – i’m engaged!!!!

Tom and i were in Majorca and had been for dinner in a restaurant near to Magaluf’s strip when we decided to go for a few drinks at a bar we’d found the previous night before we headed to the strip. On our way, Tom kept stopping to look at the lights around the bay and i kept trying to pull him along, insisting that the bar was definitely towards the right, not the left. I eventually realised he wanted to stop so i told him we could stop and have “a moment”, which he laughed at.
He continued pointing out how pretty the lights were, and i was getting a bit frustrated at this point because i couldn’t actually see them very well thanks to the beach umbrellas, so i suggested we walk down to the water itself to get a better view.
I got my phone out to take a panoramic photo but was disappointed that my iPhone’s camera couldn’t pick out the lights as well as i’d like, so i apologised to Tom and put it away and said again “okay, let’s have a moment then”.
We chatted about the views and he asked me “what do you want to do for our one year anniversary tomorrow?”
I said i wasn’t sure, and when he suggested a nice restaurant, i agreed.
Tom then turned towards me and said “well what if i don’t want to celebrate our one year tomorrow?”, to which i replied “are you dumping me?”
He laughed, crouched down a little to fiddle with his pocket, got down on one knee and pulled out the ring and asked me to marry him.
In my true dorky fashion i said “are you asking me for real??” hahaha!
And then obviously i said yes!
We both had a little cry and a big hug and kiss and headed to the bar to celebrate with a bottle of prosecco and to let our family and friends know (plus it meant i could get a better look at the ring!).

That’s pretty much it for the engagement story! We couldn’t stop grinning all night and were chuffed with the amount of congrat’s we received on Facebook and Instagram.

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Soooo…onto the ring!
It’s a round cut, solitaire, VS2 0.25ct diamond ring on 18k white gold. It’s from a store in Mayfair, London called Vashi. It’s also the most expensive thing i’ve ever owned and i’m a tiny bit terrified i’ll lose it (i think Tom would actually murder me)!
I’ve also realised that i seem unable to take selfies without somehow sneaking my ring in the photo….

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As for anyone interested in when we’re getting married – we’re not sure! We can definitely say it won’t be next year, partly we need longer than that to save up but also because my cousin is getting married next year anyway. We’ve briefly spoken about aiming for 2019 but nothing’s definite yet (apart from the fact that it will happen…eventually..).
I’ll keep everyone updated and there’s definitely going to be some wedding-themed blog posts for you to look forward to so watch this space!

L x

depression · ramble · twenties

My new job and recent events

Before i jump into talking about the good things that have happened to me recently, i’d like to start off with a sincere apology to anyone who enjoys following this blog. I realise i haven’t posted since the 21st of May, aaaand it’s now nearly a month later….

Honestly? I’ve had very little to write about until quite recently and have since been too busy to write! The good news for anyone who wanted a good read is that this post is going to be looooong!

Anyway, as i’m sure you’ve guessed from the highly mysterious title, i have a new job! In a way i wish i’d written about this earlier in the week because right now i’m in a pretty bad mood (i’ll get to that later in this post) so excuse me if i’m lacking in enthusiasm for it – i promise i was more excited earlier this week!

Basically i applied for a Trainee Pharmacy Advisor/Dispenser job last month and had an interview a few weeks ago. I thought the interview went fairly well, i managed to answer all the questions but i couldn’t tell if the interviewer really liked me or not. I guess i’ve got a bit of a chip on my shoulder (or just that i’ve got crippling mental health problems that mean i’m bad at understanding other people), but she obviously did like me and phoned last week to offer me the job! I started last Monday and it’s been really good. There’s another new girl too so i’m glad i’m not the only newbie, and the company has been wonderful with supporting me so far. There’s SO much to learn and some of the other colleagues said it’ll probably take me around a year to feel like i fully know what i’m doing.

So i guess i’m a legal drug dealer?…
I might change my Facebook to that instead.

Good news numbero dos – Tom and i are going on holiday to Palma Nova in Majorca next week! Infact at this time next week, we’ll probably either be drunk in a bar somewhere or passed out in bed because our flight is next Friday at friggin’ 6.30am. Fortunately we’re travelling to the airport (Newcastle) Thursday late afternoon and staying at the Hilton on site so we’ll only have to get out of bed at say, 4am? The likelihood of me sleeping is slim to none.
We’re only staying 4 nights but i’m excited to get away from reality for a bit! It’s our 1st anniversary on the 26th and i’m struggling to think of a better way to spend it than in another country, far away from work and with time to relax and just spend time together.

Good things that have happened recently (in no particular order):

  1. Tom and i went back to Reds True BBQ on Ecclesall Road because i had a £10 off voucher and we had the huge sharer plate! It was AWESOME. Photo below.18835820_10154684533924537_7538499008029925638_n
  2. Laura invited me to Sundown Adventureland with her and Ashleigh. I remember going as a child with Kirst’ and it honestly hasn’t changed much! Turns out animatronics freak me out as much as i thought they would. Honestly that place is quite creepy? The soft play was great fun though! Nothing quite like having the excuse of a child to work up a sweat and nearly wet yourself laughing at both myself and Laura getting stuck in areas clearly not made for grown women. I also took about 500 photos of Ash so i’ll only include a couple on here.18697984_10154669297894537_3496493595727502094_n18698254_10154669311854537_7583407322371673101_n
  3. Bibbs visited!! It’s been around 2 years since i last saw her and before that it was around 4 years! Bibbs was my best friend at school and i used to go to her house every morning before school (and usually wait ages for her to get ready and watch her eat porridge). We went for food at Chiquitos and she ended up staying until gone 1am.18813370_10154687248434537_1461968135275652467_n
  4. Kirsty also visited! We went to a slightly less boujee McDonalds for our dinner and just had a good catch up. I’m actually staying round hers tomorrow night too. And obviously we took photos.18765785_10154696261069537_5152340084599712933_n
  5. Mum took me to Harrogate for a couple of days. We stayed over at the White Hart – which i can definitely recommend! Reception had a bit of a brain fart and gave us a room that had already been taken, causing us to walk in on a couple chilling on the bed! Fortunately they weren’t doing anything but we were all pretty shocked. The hotel was great about it though and bumped us up to a premium room in a different building next door, which was lovely and spacious. Mum also treated me to my first ever massage and although it only lasted 30 minutes, it did my knackered shoulders some good. The masseuse even said “you’re rock solid like your Mum!” The next day Mum dragged me around about a million charity shops (not quite as exciting) and i was getting all hot and flustered and moody – just for a change – so we eventually gave up and came home.18740353_10154683828394537_4783629198400342340_n
  6. I voted for the first time in a general election! Yes yes terrible i know seeing as i was 21 last time but i was working in Sheffield and technically living in Mansfield so there had been no way of me getting to vote. As i’m a liberal hippy, i voted Labour. We might not have won but i’m proud of Corbae for such a great campaign and getting over 70% of young people to vote!
  7. Laura and Chris had a BBQ last weekend that everyone attended, including some of their family from Canada. We made s’mores on the fire pit and i ate so much meat i ended up with stomach ache and had to take an indigestion tablet. Also took some amusing snapchat photos with Laura.

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Aaaaaand the bad stuff:

  • Tom found out what was wrong with his knee. Basically, it’s not something that can be cured and means he has to take pretty killer meds for an unknown amount of time (possibly several years). These meds mean he can’t drink, his hair might thin and he might have nausea, could cause liver damage and also mean we shouldn’t try for a baby due to the risk of birth defects. I know it hasn’t fully sunk in for him yet what this condition means and i guess it hasn’t for me either. I’m staying pretty positive about the whole thing though. As i said to him, it doesn’t have to be debilitating – the whole reason he’s going on meds is so his body can heal without attacking itself, so his knee should eventually mend. It feels very unfair on him to get something classed as an older person’s health problem, he’s only 33 after all. He said my mental health and subsequent unemployment would be the hardest thing we’ve ever faced together. Now i’m positive this condition will be. It breaks my heart because i wish i could help. I even wish i could have it instead of him – i’m already messed up, what’s a little more pain? Most people would say this will either make or break us. I know for a fact that getting through this will only make us stronger in the long run, despite all the short term effects it’s having on our relationship, and i don’t doubt for a second that we’ll be okay.

 

  • Today hasn’t been a good day. A bad mood came over me like a punch in the face this evening and i haven’t managed to pick it up since. I’ve spent just over an hour writing this post which has successfully distracted me but it’s midnight and i’m up at 6.30am and i just know i won’t sleep until probably 2am now. I’m struggling to shake the internal voices that i’m a piece of shit who should just give up on life right now because i’ll just continue causing the people who love me pain and anguish. I’m feeling quite isolated, antisocial and as though i’m trapped in that horrible bubble i spent years inside. The bubble thing is a drawing i used to do, pretty self explanatory but i’d basically draw me in a circle and write all the things/people that i felt connected to inside and all the things/people i felt disconnected to on the outside. This evening it’s just me in there alone.

 

I guess i should go to bed now in the hope that i fall asleep in the next hour. I’ve been listening to a lot of my Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows audiobook so i’ll stick that on. Stephen Fry does all the voices of the characters, it’s great.

I promise i’ll write again soon. I won’t leave it nearly a month this time!

L x

ramble · reflecting

Family

They’re weird. It doesn’t matter if you have the “traditional” set of parents – married in their 20’s, never had an affair or gotten a divorce, or maybe your ‘rents never got married and split 3 years after you were born (eh em..). I’ve seen immeasurable versions of what family means to people and they’re all completely unique.

Each one has those quirks, those in jokes that only those involved would understand. For example, my cousin (actually my Mum’s best friend’s daughter) always takes the ribbon off the Christmas crackers and puts it on my fingers, where it stays until it starts cutting off my circulation a few hours later. She’s not a relation to me by blood or marriage but she’s my best friend, cousin and sister rolled into one. I actually only have 3 sets of cousins officially related to me, but i still refer to my Mum’s other best friend’s children as family members.
Looking at my Dad’s side, i’m not hugely clued up on his blood relatives, but my Stepmum’s parents are quite involved. Not to mention, i count some of my ex’s family members as part of my own, which is the thing people find weirdest about my family. Even i admit it’s unusual! I think it’s a combination of me not being great socially and spending huge amounts of time with these 2 people over nearly 2 years. I’ve never been great at clicking with others so i’m reluctant to let go when it does happen, especially as the thought of losing them was the reason i stayed in that relationship longer than i should’ve.

I think the biggest contrast to my family is Tom’s. His parents are together, his sister is married and all his brother-in-law’s family are in long term relationships or married. They’ve merged two complete family units together into one big one and it’s nice, if a bit of a shock for me! I know for a fact the feeling is mutual for him and my family. I love spending time with his family and it’s great to see the dynamics in the room. Obviously everyone is centred around Ashleigh – Laura and Chris’s 2 year old daughter – and she knows it! I’m very much the newcomer at the minute and i’m pretty quiet in large groups but i don’t feel hugely anxious with them.

There’s always going to be those who don’t fit quite in with the family norms, and Tom and i are definitely those people. I suppose it’s less obvious with my family – who very rarely all get together as not everybody gets on, plus there’s far too many of us!
Neither of us could be described as people that like other people, despite both choosing jobs that involve interaction with others, not to mention Tom works a hell of a lot and doesn’t have much spare time. I guess that makes us the black sheep? I mean i know i am! I am the emo cousin everybody has, the crazy one who dropped out of university and spent years unemployed and miserable, bouncing from horrible relationship to horrible relationship and dabbling in illegal things that i probably shouldn’t speak about on a platform that my family members read! The only “normal” thing i’ve done was moving out in my early 20’s and supporting myself financially (most of the time…i’m not perfect).

Putting our unreliability to one side, i’m confident that we’ll find our way when we start our own family. Whether or not that means we get more involved with our larger family groups, or we just stick close to our immediate family…i’m not sure! All i know is that i’m unbelievably grateful to have another group of wonderful people i can think of as family and i hope that will never change.

L x

ramble · sexual abuse · sexual assault

1am rambles about shitty boys and moustached stalkers (TW:sexual assault)

Tonight has been a bit of a reminiscence session.
I started out on an old friend’s profile, looking at photos from 7 years ago, most of them involving alcohol and somebody’s garden or a park.
Then i remembered that i haven’t visited RYL in a really long time. RYL (or RecoverYourLife.com) is a forum for anyone struggling with self harm or their mental health. I used it a lot from 2010-2013, so much so that my journal is in the ‘Top Viewed’, ‘Most Commented’ and ‘Most Entries’ categories. It was a space for me to vent my thoughts in private as only 2 people who knew me in real life also knew my username.
My last entry was from January 2015. I spoke about how i was excited to be going to Florida later that year (lol) and that although i was happier, i wasn’t really “happy”, just content. Reading that gave me the weird disconnected-but-familiar feeling, as though i’m viewing that version of me through a haze of smoke.
That’s the usual feeling i get when trying to remember how i felt in the past. I can only clearly remember very specific events.

Anyway, i carried on reading and got to an entry from 2013 describing how my friends were trying to set me up with somebody called Ben. Woah, serious case of repressed memories there! I did end up meeting Ben, on a night out with said friends to be specific. Nothing happened in town, i’m not even convinced we kissed to be honest… Anyway, we headed back to the girl’s house we were all staying at and carried on drinking. I was preeeetty hammered at this point, like i’m surprised i hadn’t passed out! Fast forward about an hour and somebody waltzes through the front door. Guess who! Ben of course! This sounds a lot weirder than it is, i forgot to mention he was actually friends with our host and had been round her house in the past.
So he comes in and everyone’s looking at each other grinning, and they move into the conservatory to give us “time to get to know each other”. Now bear in mind, the main reason i didn’t follow them was because i couldn’t actually move unassisted. Yes it was very irresponsible of me to get that wasted in the first place, but i was expecting to be able to sleep it off on the sofa unaccompanied.
He came over to where i was slumped in the chair and started kissing me. I kissed him back – after all, i did find him semi-attractive and kissing wasn’t something i was adverse to. He grabbed hand and pulled, asking me to go with him. I’m pretty sure i giggled and said “nooo i’m sitting down”, or something to that effect, but he hoisted me up and led me upstairs. I dutifully followed, half stumbling, half dragged to the host’s bedroom.

I won’t go into details, in all honesty it’s making me cringe thinking about it.
But the long and short of it is; we had sex.

The host’s partner came into the room after a few minutes, laughed at us and went back downstairs to tell the host. She shortly stormed in and shouted at us for having sex in her bed. Ben left and i went back to the sofa, where i sat upset and confused at what had happened. Eventually, she came back into the living room (having raged at our friends in the conservatory about my complete lack of respect) and we spoke about it, i apologised and we made up.

It took me a long time to realise that it wasn’t “sex”, or at least not consensual sex.
I was too drunk to give consent, not to mention i blacked out several times during the actual act, so i wasn’t even fully conscious.
I’m pretty sure Ben didn’t walk away thinking he had just sexually assaulted somebody – even at the time i didn’t. I classed it as a grey area. Of course the reality is there isn’t a grey area. You either give consent/are able to give consent, or you don’t/cannot give consent.

On a less serious note, i’m having a very amusing conversation with Janine about “my list”. Last year i made a list with the names of the people i’d slept with as a way of keeping track, just incase i ever needed them! Plus i didn’t want to be one of those people who, when asked for their “number”, had to fess up to not remembering who they had been intimate with.
Ironically, it turned out that both me and Janine had forgotten 2 of the people on my list from last year…so we came up with the brilliant idea to include descriptions.
My personal favourites are: “old man clothes”, “moustached stalker” and “mental long haired scouser”, hahahaha!

Night all

L x

 

depression · ramble · self harm

Why i quit my job

This is an awkward topic of conversation, and one that i’ve been forced to have with several people over the past couple of weeks.
As anyone who follows my blog or social media knows, i recently left my job at Sainsbos for another Supervisor position at a different company. It was slightly better pay, slightly better hours and as i’d had trouble with one of my managers at Sainsbos, a new start.

My first week started off a bit wobbly – i wasn’t given much notice of my shifts and they got changed a couple of times and people turned out to be on holiday blah blah. It also turned out to be an entirely different job than i expected. I knew it was a 44 hour contract, meaning 9 hour days, but other staff in my role were doing 14 hour shifts 4 or 5 days a week! Every single colleague i met mentioned how hard management work and how many hours they put in (i add – for no overtime, as the role was salaried). With it being a much larger store than my previous one, i expected a larger management team. Shockingly, there were only 3 senior management (Store Manager, Assistant Manager and Supervisor) and 2 or 3 lower level managers (Lead Sales) with usually only 2 managers on overlapping shifts leading a team of 10-20 staff, compared to 1-2 managers leading a team of 1-5 at Sainsbos. Not to mention the staff did not seem to be allowed to do anything without authorization from a manager, not even till voids. It was a mentally and physically hard job that i thought i would cope with.

My second week, i injured my left foot. I eventually went to the walk in centre and then the minor injuries unit about it to find out that it was my poor choice of footwear that had led me to suffer from a strained arch that would heal with orthotic shoes or insoles.
Unfortunately i suffer from a severe case of “ahh it’ll be orate”, so i had most of my second week off work before seeing a professional about it.
A couple of days into my second week and the pain was still there, so i was forced to take more time off. Tom had booked this week off work to try and de-stress and was instead forced to endure my miserable company.
The next day i had a breakdown. Tom had been trying to get me to go into work that day, telling me what impact my actions would have if i continued to refuse (i could technically walk but it caused me a lot of pain and that job involved 8+ hours of constant walking). It escalated and the only other part i remember clearly is when he threatened to phone an ambulance because i refused to move and he thought i might’ve taken something.
One of my symptoms of whatever my problem is (i’ve suspected Borderline Personality Disorder for several months and Tom agrees) is that i have memory loss around situations where i feel a lot of emotion, especially ones where i am angry or upset. Unfortunately this means i can’t really give much more of an insight of what was said that night but i know it was the worst state i’d gotten myself into in a long time.

I’m not sure what week it was or if i went back in again after that – as i said, memory loss problems – but it got to a day where i was due in the next morning. I was sat thinking of reasons and excuses not to go in when i started to seriously consider “doing something”.
Vague, i know. It’s another difficult thing to talk about, despite me trying to be so open about mental health, but i’ve just always found it uncomfortable to say outloud that i was considering harming myself seriously enough to warrant medical attention.
This option had other benefits for me – i knew i needed to get professional help with my emotional issues and even though they would probably view it as the attention seeking behaviour it was, surely that would push things along a little quicker? Sure it would be taking a risk; they might not take it seriously or they could take it too seriously and try to section me, but that risk would’ve been worth it.

The fact that i was even considering this…just made me stop in my tracks.
I had two options at hand: do something potentially dangerous and serious in order to get out of work and grab the attention of the mental health services but in doing so possibly risk my life and hurt those around me, or quit my job and see a Doctor in the proper way.

Thankfully, “normal me” was in control at that moment and made the safer decision to leave of my own accord – which i was more than entitled to do as i had no notice period.
Everybody i’ve tried to explain it to, i’ve emphasised that i didn’t have another choice and that it wasn’t an actual decision. This is true in some respects. “Normal me” fortunately has enough self preservation left to realise that the other option wasn’t really an option at all, and that the effects of choosing that path would have been much worse than struggling with money for a month or two until i found another job that was less stressful and not a management role.
I don’t enjoy being unemployed. It’s boring and mildly depressing, but i have the years of experience, training and qualifications that i didn’t have last time i was unemployed, so i’m remaining positive that i’ll be able to find something fairly soon.

In the meantime, it’s giving me the freedom to try and chase the Doctor for a diagnosis and referral, as well as making it easier to get interviews for new jobs thanks to all my spare time.

I’m hoping i’m right in thinking i’ve made the right decision and that this proves to be exactly what i needed. So far i’ve felt less depressed and more focused on getting to a stable place in both work and mind. Fingers crossed this positivity continues!

L x