mental health · ramble

Getting somewhere, finally!

After months of waiting, the date of my assessment with CMHS finally arrived this week and it was pretty successful overall.
The social worker i spoke to was called Jane and she was very nice. I’m usually quite funny about strangers touching me and she touched my arm once when she greeted me and once again when we said goodbye, but i knew she was doing it to try and be comforting.
Despite it being 9am and far too early for this night owl, we leapt right in with “tell me about any traumas from your childhood and adolescence”. I told her the events i believed were linked to my anxiety and emotional regulation problems and we spoke in detail about the problems i was having. She didn’t make me feel like i needed to rush and we were in the interview room for around 90 minutes before we ran out of things to talk about.

At the end of the meeting, she told me that she didn’t feel it would be helpful to only look at one of my issues, and so she has referred me for a psychotherapy/managing BPD group course as well as an anxiety management one. I asked her if she could speak to the resident Dr about whether or not it would be possible for me to go on medication for my anxiety, but unfortunately the Dr wants me to try the courses first but has also recommended i try CBT at the same time.

So… overall….pretty successful! Not quite the outcome i wanted. I still haven’t received an official diagnosis of BPD but Jane believed i was somewhere in the middle of the spectrum and was impressed with the research into i had some, my self awareness and how insightful i was about my triggers. I’m a bit unhappy about not being given the go ahead for meds (kind of goes against the general opinion that Doctors are pro-medication!) but she explained that it wasn’t a no, just a “not until you’ve tried these things”.

It’s going to be a long process. I haven’t been given an estimate for how long the waiting list for these courses is but i expect they’ll be a couple of months away at least.

Being validated by a medical professional (finally) is a great feeling and it makes me more determined to keep going with it this time.

L x


Blah blah blah

I’ve found it near impossible to write the past month or so. I go through stages of this where i sit infront of my computer for hours, wracking my brain, trying to come up with a topic or wondering how to put my thoughts into words.

We got back from Cyprus on Sunday morning. It was wonderful. We went quad biking and on a sunset hack to the sea caves in Peyia and ate some truly wonderful food (if you’re ever in Larnaca, go to Panos Steak House, it’s right next to the medieval fort on the beachfront).

I’ve got an interview at 10am and i’m quite nervous for it. It’s just a little casual position and i get the feeling the interview will be quite informal but it’s still terrifying.

I managed to push back the key handover/inspection to next Tuesday so i can ask Tom for help this weekend to move my stuff over.

I’ve got my initial assessment next Monday at 9am. I’ll be half asleep for it, ha! I need to write some stuff to take with me but it’s a shock i’ve managed to get anything done at all today with the mood i’m in. If i could hibernate in a ball, i totally would. I don’t want to watch tv, don’t want to talk to anyone, don’t want to eat anything in particular, can’t think of anything good to write, don’t want to read or watch Youtube…
I’ve managed to get a lot done despite this. I’ve also applied for a lot of jobs.

I’m so sick of talking about jobs and money. That’s all everyone sees to want to discuss.




family · holiday · ramble

Why is it nearly September?

It’s been nearly a month since my last post. I won’t lie to you, i’ve been avoiding writing. July and August so far have been pretty tough and i’ve been keeping to myself more than normal.
As you know if you read my last post, i’m no longer in full time employment. Currently i’m working as a self employed dog walker through an app called Tailster. They take a 15% cut which does kinda’ suck, but that provides me with insurance at least.
So far i’ve only got one regular client whose two Springer Spaniels i walk 5 days a week but i’m hoping to get a few more over the coming weeks.

Tom got paid enough from his second job to book flights for Cyprus next month. We fly at 4pm next Saturday and arrive at around 11pm. We’re flying from Liverpool which is quite exciting – i think i might pop over to Anfield Crem to say hello to Arwah before we jet off. Thankfully our flight back home the following Saturday doesn’t leave until 11pm so at least we still get 7 full days…even if it means we get back in the UK at 3am!

It’s my birthday in 2 days and i’m apathetic towards it currently. We’re going to British Oak with everyone (Mum, Nanny, Kirsty and Tom’s family) for a nice meal out so i’m looking forward to that, plus Kirst’ is gonna’ sleepover.

I’ve had killer period pains all day which has totally sucked but i’m glad i won’t be on during the holiday! I was on for the first half of Mijas and came on for the last couple of days of Mallorca, typical right? I must’ve timed it right this time.

Mental health wise i’ve been…so so. I’m gonna’ have to miss the first of my stress management course because we’re on holiday but i don’t think it’s something you have to attend religiously. I have my first assessment with CMHS in mid September so that’s something at least. I’m scared they won’t take me seriously but at the same time, how can they not?

Anyway, my favourite fanfic site is finally back online after 2 months down so i’m going to continue reading some smut! I’ll do another post after my birthday/before i go away.

L x

20s · depression · ramble · twenties

Work and crazy don’t mix

So i always try to be as honest and open about my life as possible with you guys. This is made harder because i actually know a lot of you. Around half of you reading come from my Facebook, and i have no idea who, so for all i know you could be my Year 7 science teacher who i cried over for weeks when they left, or even the ex best friend who got with my ex-ex-ex-ex-ex (etc) boyfriend two days after we split up. I don’t pretend to count all my Facebook friends as real friends. I had a clear out about a month ago and got rid of like 300 people, but even now there’s people on there i haven’t seen for 10+ years or who i keep on my “friends” list simply for the joy of bitching to my fiance every time they post something so mind numbingly stupid (and hilarious). I won’t name any names because they might delete me and then where would i get my sadistic joy?
I digress…

My life has been full of ups and downs recently. I say recently…it’s been like this for as long as i can remember.
I’ve got a self destructive personality and i’m crazy, what do you expect?
Recently all i’ve heard is “wow things are going great for you at the minute!” and “it looks like things are going your way”. I replied to every single person in the same manner, “yep! It means something is going to royally fuck up soon!”
Of course everyone shouted this down and tried to convince me not to be so pessimistic and that it probably just means that it’s time for a bit of respite in my ever fluctuating world…and so obviously they were wrong. Something did go wrong. I no longer have a job. I don’t want to go into it but the general jist is that my issues are too severe to continue ignoring, especially my anxiety, and that i need to seek medical help before i try to attempt full time work again. Clearly i need some kind of income, so i’m now on the lookout for something part time but i’m hoping that sticking to 3 or 4 days per week will allow me time to harass my GP, as well as lessening the anxiety about going into work. Forcing myself to go for 3 days is a lot easier than 5.

The biggest downside to this is that it pushes our plans back again. We had planned to talk to a mortgage adviser in September to see if we’d be able to get a house. Obviously that won’t be happening now and i think it’s unlikely we’ll get to that point until at least next year.
I also mentioned we’re looking at getting married in 2019. Well the good news is we haven’t spoken about pushing that back any further yet! It’s still 2 years away and our only concrete plan is to look at venue’s in the next 6 months – hopefully by which time i’ll be on the road to…i nearly typed recovery then. I don’t think recovery is a possibility, after all i’ve felt like this for as long as i can remember, probably 10-15 years. Hopefully by then i’ll be getting the help i need, be that in medicinal or therapy form.
So the biggest thing it affects is probably the house! This is probably freaking Tom out more than myself because i never really expected to get a house anytime soon, plus my credit rating ain’t great! He did comment on some houses to rent the other day so i assume we’ll go back to one of our old plans of finding somewhere bigger to rent before we save up a deposit to buy maybe this time next year.

Anyway, it’s going to continue to be tough money wise for a bit. Especially for me because i’m already at the limit on my credit cards. I just need to keep telling myself that this is temporary, and that i will eventually find a job i can keep and that doesn’t make me anxious, then hopefully the Doctor will stick me on meds that will actually work and life will finally mellow out. I honestly can’t wait for the day when i’m sat at the computer, praying that the kids have gone to sleep after putting them down for the 3rd time and considering sharing a bottle of wine and watching Deadpool with my husband before bed while we discuss what to pack on our trip to Disney World later that year.

I haven’t told anyone besides Tom and my Mum yet so if you’re reading this and you’re somebody i’m close to, i’m sorry for not telling you personally, i’ve been avoiding it all weekend. I also knew i’d have to make a post about it, if only to get it off my chest. At least i’ve finally emerged into semi-public (aka the internet) and have had a productive day (i cleaned the rats out and filled the dishwasher)! Yay me!!

And as a treat to myself (because i’m a millennial and we’re all incapable of doing anything without the promise of a reward after every minuscule task), i’m going to bed to watch Drag Race!

L x


20s · ramble · twenties

Driving test

This morning i woke up nearly chundering from the nerves of it all.
Alas, my driving test was only several hours and i had visions of crashing or just losing it completely!

Laura (my instructor/friend/soon to be sister-in-law) picked me up and we had 30-40 minutes driving around the block, in which i slightly ballsed up every manoeuvre we practised. I topped this off by completely messing up my reverse bay park by being too far left and failing to get it into reverse properly – cue a loud crunch.
Shook this off and refused to make eye contact with the 5 or so people watching, and headed inside.
A quick pre-drive pee and my examiner came in to get me! He was nicer than i expected, explained everything fully with details and chatted to me briefly while we walked. He also asked me the easiest ‘Show Me, Tell Me’ questions (fault with ABS and demisting the windscreens) and chose one of the easiest manoeuvres (turn in the road).

The actual driving was pretty normal! There were a few moments where i was unsure of the speed, especially as the roads felt like they should’ve been slower or faster than 30, but i didn’t get marked down for speeding so my assumptions were correct!
I received 4 minors. One for failing to signal at the correct time coming up to a roundabout (i moved over to the right fairly late and it just completely slipped my mind until i had already pulled out), one for positioning (i chose to pull up next to someone’s drive, but in my defence the entire road was full of drives!), one for mirrors (i expected a lot more for this so i’m chuffed with that) and one for forward planning (failed to pull into the right lane to turn off because there were loads of cars in that lane and i didn’t think anyone would let me in, so i didn’t even try).

So yeah, the good news is – i passed!!!! Laura and i jumped and squealed and hugged each other when he told us and then celebrated with lunch!

For someone who said they would never drive, i’m chuffed i managed to do it within 10 months of starting driving lessons, especially as i haven’t had regular weekly lessons since April!
Unfortunately it’s unlikely i’ll be able to insure my car until i get paid at the end of the month, but that’s only just over 2 weeks away!

Here’s my serious “nice” photo, and the silly one we took first when i thought Laura was taking the picture from the back of the car (okay, i’m a div sometimes).


L x

family · holiday

Mallorca 2017

Hello hello! I have returned from holiday slightly less pale but fortunately not burnt. Quite how i avoided the woes of sunburn this time i’m not sure, possibly something to do with the unbearable heat causing both of us to hide in our hotel room for the hottest parts of the days.
Anyway, we had a wonderful time and as i’m sure you saw in my previous post, we got engaged! I won’t go into that too much seeing as i’ve already covered it but i’m sure it’ll pop up.

So without further ado, here’s what we got up to on hollibobs:


Day 1 (travelling day)
We had a rather rude awakening at 4am, especially so for myself thanks to not being able to sleep until 2am! We stayed at the Hilton at Newcastle Airport the night before and had quite a nice dinner in the hotel restaurant. I, of course, was in my scruffs (baggy top, leggings, old Vans) but we were on holiday so who gives a toss?
I can’t fault Newcastle airport for the speed we got through customs and security, however, we didn’t have much luck with Burger King’s this holiday and it started with a 20 minute queue line at 5.30am. Totally worth it though, BK’s breakfast hash browns are amazing!!
The flight was pretty uneventful, no turbulence on the way there. We flew with Jet2 and i found their seats to be roomier and a little more comfortable than Ryanair’s.
After arriving and getting through Palma Airport, we got driven to our hotel by the grumpiest coach driver ever. Not that i can judge – i think i’d be pretty grouchy if i had to drive a bunch of english people about in the blazing heat all day.
Checked into Hotel Garbada and our original room…left a lot to be desired! We had a good laugh at the wobbly fan that appeared to be the alleged “air con” and debated over how we were going to push the two single beds together. Quickly we realised that spending 4 nights in a room with no windows and no air con in 32 degree heat was going to be hell, so Tom used his boyish charms to get us a reduced price upgrade to a much nicer room – with air con!!!

We dumped our stuff and headed out to the restaurant-y bit of town (the beach front) and ended up finding a really nice place called “Abracadabra” that specialised in pizzas. We both had burgers that promised to be handmade and they were DELICIOUS. Possibly one of the best burgers i’ve had, i can definitely recommend having the one with goats cheese!
I can’t actually remember which restaurant we visited for our first night…but we had food, a few drinks and tried to call it a night but ended up bombarded by what seemed to be 500+ 12-16 year olds walking around at 11pm? It turned out there was some kind of festival on that we completely missed. A bit of a shame but we never would’ve stayed out that night, not after 2 hours sleep and being up since 4am.


Day 2
We started off by traipsing around looking for a car to hire for the following day. After several hours of this, we gave up and got a taxi to Marine Land! It was more expensive than i expected at 24 euros each, but it was nearby and would give us something to do for a few hours. Well, it turns out, it’s tiny! And there were children abusing the terrapins/turtles by picking them up and throwing them about! I kept harping on all day about how they were all going to get ill from the salmonella that reptiles such as turtles/terrapins carry, or that they would get bitten (this did happen to a little girl and it made me laugh).
So obviously, i was due a bit of karma.
If i could go back in time and not drink the delicious chocolate milkshake i chose that day, i totally would. I’d never been subjected to food poisoning before and honestly i’m not sure it’s something i’d like to do again! Fortunately i only threw up for an hour (7 times!), but it was already 8.30pm and i didn’t start to feel semi normal until gone 10pm, by which point we gave up on our plan of heading to Magaluf’s strip and went to bed instead.


Day 3
I woke up feeling…not my best, but no longer dizzy/sick/like my guts were falling out my butt. We skipped the free breakfast at the hotel and headed to “Dolphin Restaurant and Bar” for some superbly delicious scrambled eggs on toast. We mulled about, paddled in the sea and considered going for a swim (until Tom kept saying there was a crab near my foot and i refused to go back in) and settled for a glass of probably the best orange juice i’ve ever had at a bar on the actual beach – sadly i can’t remember the name!
Headed back to the hotel for a few hours, then back out for lunch (a tuna baguette) and Tom got some fro-yo with crumbled Oreos, strawberries and hot white chocolate sauce from “llaollao”. Went back to the hotel because we were dying in the sun and got ready to go for dinner and head to Magaluf….and get engaged! The restaurant we visited that evening was called “Si-Yu Bar and Restaurant” and it was really great. Delicious food, quiet atmosphere and the waiter even gave us a little glass of free bubbly that turned out to taste like a mix of white wine and prosecco. He also made a mean boozy coffee. Aaaand if you’ve read my previous post, you know the rest of what happened that night. If not, go back and read it!


Day 4
We escaped the dreaded hangover and had lovely pizzas at yet another restaurant whose name i can’t remember….i need to pay more attention on my surroundings..
Anyway, they were delicious! We soon gave up with doing anything because it was another scorching day and Tom had painful blisters all over his feet. We did pop to the pharmacy to pick up painkillers and plasters though.
For dinner, we had saved the best for last – Ciro’s. A beautiful restaurant with an amazing view of the sea and bay, incredible food and fabulous service! I can’t recommend it enough!! We had a slow walk back to the hotel and packed for our flight back the next day.

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And that’s about it! We caught a coach to the airport, visited the absolute WORST Burger King in existence (45 minute queue time and they still got our order wrong!!) and sat one infront of the other on the plane home. A 2 and a half drive home from Newcastle, a quick pitstop for a wee and to say hi to the rats and we went to Aagrah because Tom had been craving Indian food all holiday.

I’ve gotten over most of the holiday blues now but i really can’t wait to go to Cyprus in September. 4 days away isn’t enough! Plus we have a villa in September so we might actually dare to go in the pool (the one at the hotel was a little dubious due to the lack of people in it..).

L x