It’s something that’s been swimming around in my mind for a few months now, after Tom asked me if i thought i had Bipolar Disorder. At the time i’d had a couple of bad months mental health-wise and so i looked it up. I quickly realised that no, that wasn’t it at all. My mood swings lasted minutes to hours, not days and weeks. Sure i had both mania and depressive states, ranging from jumping around the kitchen laughing or singing to hysterically crying and lashing out at loved ones, but i could flit back and forth, like somebody flicking a switch.
I ended up on a webpage listing the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and, sorry to be generic, it was like a lightbulb came on.
For years i’ve spoken about how my alleged ‘depression’ feels like nothing. My natural state is to be emotionless, to have no strong opinions on the majority of things and generally be quite chilled. Some of my old friends used to joke that i was emotionless, especially as it was coupled with my dislike for being touched.
I can’t pinpoint the exact moment that it changed, i think it must’ve evolved over time.
As well as the mood swings, i get this intense, almost overwhelming anger over nothing. I overreact hugely to the weirdest and smallest of situations. I have episodes of disassociation where i can’t feel any of the bonds with the people i love and i don’t even recognise my own face. Sometimes i want everything now – to be married and have babies and everything that comes with it – and i think it’s because it gives us a tie that’s harder to break if Tom leaves. We have each other on an app that shows our location for safety reasons and whenever he’s away for work i obsessively stalk him because i’m terrified that he’s going to be killed or have an accident. I never have any money left at the end of the month because i frivel it all on stupid shit. I was a self harmer for years and spoke in my previous post about suicidal thoughts and actions like counting all the painkillers in the cupboards.
I tick all of the boxes – except for the fact that i’ve never let my anger explode outwardly.
I’m not one to self diagnose but this doesn’t seem like something i can ignore. I’m just not sure how to approach the Doctor about it.
Would it be better to be honest, or to just ask for a referral for a psychiatrist?