ramble · self harm

I think i have BPD

It’s something that’s been swimming around in my mind for a few months now, after Tom asked me if i thought i had Bipolar Disorder. At the time i’d had a couple of bad months mental health-wise and so i looked it up. I quickly realised that no, that wasn’t it at all. My mood swings lasted minutes to hours, not days and weeks. Sure i had both mania and depressive states, ranging from jumping around the kitchen laughing or singing to hysterically crying and lashing out at loved ones, but i could flit back and forth, like somebody flicking a switch.
I ended up on a webpage listing the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and, sorry to be generic, it was like a lightbulb came on.

For years i’ve spoken about how my alleged ‘depression’ feels like nothing. My natural state is to be emotionless, to have no strong opinions on the majority of things and generally be quite chilled. Some of my old friends used to joke that i was emotionless, especially as it was coupled with my dislike for being touched.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment that it changed, i think it must’ve evolved over time.

As well as the mood swings, i get this intense, almost overwhelming anger over nothing. I overreact hugely to the weirdest and smallest of situations. I have episodes of disassociation where i can’t feel any of the bonds with the people i love and i don’t even recognise my own face.  Sometimes i want everything now – to be married and have babies and everything that comes with it – and i think it’s because it gives us a tie that’s harder to break if Tom leaves. We have each other on an app that shows our location for safety reasons and whenever he’s away for work i obsessively stalk him because i’m terrified that he’s going to be killed or have an accident. I never have any money left at the end of the month because i frivel it all on stupid shit. I was a self harmer for years and spoke in my previous post about suicidal thoughts and actions like counting all the painkillers in the cupboards.

I tick all of the boxes – except for the fact that i’ve never let my anger explode outwardly.

I’m not one to self diagnose but this doesn’t seem like something i can ignore. I’m just not sure how to approach the Doctor about it.
Would it be better to be honest, or to just ask for a referral for a psychiatrist?

L x

 

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4 thoughts on “I think i have BPD

  1. I can definitely relate to your post. I’ve been feeling this way for the last several months or so. I’m definitely sure it’s just more than anxiety/depression with me. I can have mood swings throughout the day depending on what’s happening.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi sweetie. Just read your post. I know how confusing it can be, especially when you have a diagnosis but you’re instinct is pushing you to something else. I have BPD, and have been diagnosed for a while but that was after a number of other sometimes wrong diagnosis including bi polar. Speak to your GP but remember only s mental health specialist can diagnose you. Feel free to contact me if you want someone to talk things through (I’m not a MH specialist but have my own experience and opinions) my email is lifeontheborderline@hotmail.com.

    If you do see a doctor, go in prepared. Write down what you want to say and what you want from the appointment.
    Good luck xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I say both be honest to your doctor and tell the person what is going on and ask for a referral to see a psychiatrist.
    I’ve diagnosed myself with anxiety, panic attacks, and depression, and a touch of insomnia. I don’t have health insurance to see a doctor for these things. But i have been professionally diagnosed with cerebral palsy, epilepsy and asthma. Which i have been dealing with since I’ve been born. But go to the doctor get the referral and try and be honest with the psych person. Tell them whats going on even if it is hard to say. If it is ask for a piece of paper and pen and write down whats going on if it just is to hard to say.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I was misdiagnosed for years as Bipolar. But it never really fit. When I was finally diagnosed as BPD, I knew it was right. Everything made sense. The things I did/do, all the feelings and frustrations and rage, it was all right there.
    There is no cure, nor medication to treat BPD specifically. I do take Seroquel (mood Stabilizer) which definitely helps. I also take Adderall (helps regulate mood and focus) and Clonopin (anxiety). My anxiety can get extremely out of control at times.
    I hope you find someone willing to listen, and offer you some medical advice. I would be interested in hearing what medications you are put on, if any.

    Liked by 1 person

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