ramble

An old girlfriend

I’m currently sat looking through an ex girlfriend’s photos.

I know you may be thinking “jeez Lora is there any need?”, “you have a boyfriend!” or “do you still like her?!” but it’s nothing like that.

The person in question was a big part of my life for 2-3 years and we were never officially together. We dated (kind of) on and off and both cheated on previous partners for each other.
In my 17 year old head, it was always going to be that way until we eventually ended up single at the same time and we’d finally get together properly.

Well, that eventually happened, and even though we’d drifted apart over the years, we ended up sat in a bar together drunk, talking about the fact that we were both single and how weird it was that we hadn’t sought each other out.
At some point we’d both moved on and weren’t interested anymore.
And that was that! I don’t even think i’ve seen her since properly, and that was nearly 4 years ago.

It was an unhealthy couple of years for both of us. She was and is the most self destructive person i’ll ever meet, in and out of hospital and getting sectioned and constantly trying to kill herself. I was desperate for her attention and affection and so self pitying and obsessive. Her parents hated me and blamed me for her relapse, my parents blamed her for getting me involved in self harm and drugs. We bounced off each other and were constantly miserable. Eventually she got sectioned again, for several months this time and i forced myself to cut my emotional ties to her. It didn’t feel good. It was one of the hardest things i’ve done but at the time i blamed her for my best friend cutting me off and to me, that somehow made it right.

Recently we’ve both been doing better. We don’t talk anymore apart from the odd comment on Facebook posts but i’ve seen that she got a promotion and moved out of her parents and has about 300 dogs (which is so typical of her). It makes me proud and happy that she’s doing well. I admit i gave up on her years ago. I didn’t think she’d ever stop trying to destroy herself but she’s proved me wrong so far and i hope she’ll continue to do so.
I want us to both do more than survive – i want us to live.

While i’m reminiscing, here’s some photos from those years (2009-2011 and a couple from 2012-2013). I find them good to look back on because it reminds me how much i’ve grown and that i’ve got this shit, i can totally do this life thing because myself and her went through hell back then and we were still only babies ourselves.

 

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