January is off to a weird start so far.
I had a driving lesson last week – probably my most successful so far. I only stalled once in 2 hours, and that was because i had turned around in my seat to look (and swear loudly) at a tree in the middle of the road adjacent, hadn’t noticed i was going uphill and hadn’t put enough gas on. There was also a moment that had me in tears of laughter after Laura (my instructor/Tom’s sister) told me to do a 3 point turn and “show the other learner how it’s done!” (one was pulled up nearby), to which i tried and failed to get into the reverse gear and caused a loud crunching. I ended up pulling over for 5 minutes while i tried to get a grip. Classic me!
The good news is Laura said she thinks i only need to master a couple more things before she’s happy for me to go out in my own car with Tom. So hopefully next month i’ll get my car (still unnamed) insured and MOT’d and taxed and i’ll be able to tootle about, with Tom of course.
This weekend just gone has been a difficult one however. Friday night at work was decent, i had a lot of laughs with some of the lads and i was looking forward to a day off Saturday. Tom didn’t work Friday night as he sometimes does so we were able to wake up at a respectable time. We spent the entire day Saturday lounging on the sofa watching Game of Thrones – i think we did 7 or 8 hours of it? It was a fun, relaxing day until we stopped. As soon as we stopped watching tele and Tom started to think about getting ready for work, my mood just dropped. I don’t remember much of that night but i know i was being stroppy, inconsolable, moody, irritable and distant to begin with. The last thing i did before i went to sleep was write down how i was feeling. It started with talking about how i wanted to die. This is something i still feel from time to time, it ebbs and flows over the years but there’s always a tiny part of me that thinks “this is too hard, i don’t want to keep trying to survive when it would be so easy to give up”. I’m not sure if this is something that will fade over time, or if being with Tom will help eventually or if i need some form of counselling or medication. Usually i can keep a lid on it but it all came storming out this weekend. Sunday morning, i opened my eyes and realised i still felt exactly the same. I hadn’t managed to sleep it off and i felt completely disconnected to the rest of the world. Tom noticed and pushed me to tell him what was wrong. Fortunately i had told him the previous night that when i try to push people away, i actually need them to be closer than ever. He wouldn’t drop it and bless him he was really great. We tried some things to draw me out and they worked…in a fashion. At 1pm i was in streams of tears, head laid on his chest and i talked about how it’s not fair on him or anyone else to love me – everyone gives me so much and i can’t give anything back. And how i don’t understand why sometimes i don’t want to be here when i thought i would stop feeling like that when i left my ex. He listened and comforted and eventually i was able to get up and get ready for work. It took me 4 hours of my 8 hour shift to stop feeling so emotionally exhausted, but eventually i did feel a bit better.
And today i woke up, relatively normal for me. Had a decent day at work. Got home and ate some Weetabix and watched a few Youtube videos and started to write this.
I’m trying not to take this as a bad omen for this year. I’ve not really got any plans for the year yet, apart from Tom and i going away in June for our anniversary, but i don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’m the Queen of planning – it lessens my anxiety and keeps me organised, but i do enjoy being spontaneous too.
This time last year, i wanted to be dead all day every day.
This year, i feel like that maybe once every few weeks?
Who knows what next year will bring.