depression · Uncategorized

A dark post

Since entering my 20’s, people are always surprised when i tell them my age.
It’s a common theme for everyone to react with “you seem much older than that” or “you don’t act that young”.

In truth i wish i did seem my age. I know the reason i don’t is that i’ve seen so many horrors in the world. I learnt to keep quiet as a child when i was mentally abused. That followed me into my teenage years, where i isolated myself from those who loved me. And now i’m an adult, an adult with interpersonal issues who doesn’t have a full grasp of social and personal boundaries and no urge to share information/secrets with others.

It takes a lot for me to post on here. It’s not that i find it physically or mentally difficult to type out the words, it’s more that nothing comes into my head.
I used to keep diaries and spill my innermost secrets, or confess them to best friends.
Spending 2 years with someone who threatened me, who threw objects at me and pushed me about changed that.
Staying awake all night because the person i was infatuated with had tried to kill themselves again and i didn’t know if they were going to wake up changed that.
Finding my partner passed out on the bathroom floor after overdosing changed that too.

Under my superficial desires for Disney and cuddly toys, i’m older than my years. But i’ve paid a price for it.

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