20s · ramble · reflecting · reflection · twenties

1 year ago

Myself and Tom were discussing where we were one year ago over tea and crumpets this morning (i realise how British that makes us sound..).
He was relatively recently single and beginning to enjoy his life again.
I was suicidal and staring out of my flat window every night, trying to build the courage to jump out of it.

One year ago i bought a backpack that i would’ve taken to Florida that November. We were a couple of weeks off finding out that we wouldn’t be able to go. My excuse to myself for trying to make my relationship work had gone. Cue more excuses like “oh well we have plans for my birthday/his birthday/Christmas/New Years” etc etc

I put on such a brave face to everyone last year. I pretended to be happy and committed and excited about things. I didn’t tell anyone that i was fantasising about killing myself, or that i spent every waking moment paranoid or scared. I couldn’t see any other way out. I was trapped and i was terrified of being on my own because i didn’t think i’d be able to do it. I didn’t think he would let me and i didn’t have the energy left to fight anyone. I was so tired of everything – tired of arguing, of looking happy. Tired of life.

A year on and i’m almost a completely different person. I’m happy and committed and excited. I’ve found the person i genuinely want to spend forever with. Anyone who knows me will know how crazy it is for me of all people to say that. I’m not an openly affectionate person and i’ve never said that about any partner (okay maybe when i was like 13, but that doesn’t count). It’s the weirdest thing…i look at him and it feels like i’ve known him forever. Like he was always there, but was waiting for it to be our time. He brings out the best in me. He treats me better than anyone else has before. He’s my equal partner (except in the bedroom hurrhurr). He doesn’t make me feel trapped or like i couldn’t live without him. The difference this time is, i don’t want to.

A year on and oh wow, so so much has changed. I’m so grateful to whatever or whoever decided that i deserve this happiness. I admit i’m still a little paranoid, but paranoid that something is going to snatch this all away from me. As somebody naturally pessimistic and self hating, it’s hard for me to believe that i deserve anything good.
But i’m going to push aside those feelings as best i can and bask in this new, warm life i have.

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