I shouldn’t have to apologise for being broody. No one should. My body is designed to carry small humans, it’s designed to bring them into this world, to feed them. My body wants to have babies. It reminds my mind of this by pushing up my sex drive. It punishes me for staying childless by ripping out the inside of my organs for 4 days.
My parents have started to mention babies. I was at my Nanny’s the other week and she was cooing over next door’s little girl, sighed and said under her breath “I wonder if I’ll get to meet my great-grandchildren.” I spluttered orange juice everywhere and laughed a lot. She then went on to tell me that she’d recently had a dream about me having a boy, which is when I told her to stop right there.
Last weekend I saw Dad and told him the story. He laughed too, and then told me that he thinks I’ll have a boy too and he hopes so because he wants to play with Tonka toys and Scaletrix. I walked away from him and changed the subject.
My brain does not want children – not anytime soon anyway. I’m only in my early 20’s, I enjoy getting so drunk that I can’t stand. I hate being tied down by anyone who won’t/can’t walk by my side. I want to stay in bed until 2pm on my days off. I adore being reckless and stupid.
I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling like this. Hormones play a huge part of course, infact they’re probably to blame for 99% of my fawning-over-cute-baby-clothes type moments. Being broody is not something I can prevent, nor escape. My mind and my body are two completely seperate entities and I have to float somewhere in the middle.
Somewhere along the line, I’ve felt the pressure to apologise for my feelings. I’m not sure which group of people it stems from, but I’ve concluded that it’s probably from guys who are oh-so-often terrified at the thought of getting somebody pregnant. And so everyone I’ve ever told about this, I’ve made excuses or lied to.
Fuck it. I shouldn’t feel pressured to apologise for things out of my control. It’s perfectly natural to both want and hate children….right?