“Slow down you crazy child, you’re so ambitious for a juvenile. But then if you’re so smart tell me why are you still so afraid?”
It’s a hard thing to explain sometimes.
Some can attribute their emotions to certain events. Some to medical or biological situations. Some accuse the world of being the trigger.
I’m an oddity. I don’t have a reason.
I finally built up the courage to face my overwhelming fear of my credit score, and sent off my application form and money for the house. Today i got confirmation and the new contract to sign and send back.
Next month i’m getting a work bonus that will pay for the deposit, so i don’t even have to worry about saving up for that.
And yet i’m still completely absorbed in my own darkness.
I’ve got this horrible obsessive idea that it will never be more than this. That i’ll always be just ‘okay’, simply surviving but not really living.
Sure i’m only 22, but i feel older than my years.
But how can i be depressed? I’ve got a job i enjoy with great progression opportunities, a houseshare with probably the nicest person i’ve met in years and i’ve got my entire life ahead of me. Sure i was depressed years ago, but the past doesn’t haunt me like it once did. I don’t hang around with people who make me feel worse. I don’t even see those people anymore.
It’s over surely? I haven’t self harmed in 2 and a half years. I’m hardly what you would call reckless these days – mostly i work and eat and binge watch Jane the Virgin. I don’t drink much, i don’t do drugs and sure i’m a little promiscuous, but that makes me feel happy. I’m single and i know i 100% made the right decision for both of us by leaving him. I can go for cocktails with guys or see my friends whenever i like. I take myself on dates to the cinema or for meals every month. I see my Mum more often these days and we get on great.