obsessive compulsive disorder · ocd

OCD and me

Growing up, i thought everyone had the same thoughts as me.
I thought it was normal to have to touch things three times to prove to myself that three is an okay number, but of course i couldn’t stop on an odd number so i had to touch it a fourth time.
I assumed everyone had inner dialogue telling them that a face was going to appear at the window on the third time they looked.

I did start to question my sanity when i physically twitched with the amount of restraint it took to not push a passing cyclist off of his bike. Or when i locked myself in the spare room and curled up with my eyes closed for hours because i knew if i opened my eyes, there would be a face right infront of me.
Even now, just writing about this is raising my anxiety levels to an uncomfortable amount.

I was diagnosed in 2010. I didn’t know it was OCD. I thought Obsessive Compulsive Disorder was only diagnosed in people who spent 6 hours a day washing their hands or cleaning their house. I didn’t realise that being clean and OCD don’t neccesarily go hand in hand.
Google provided information on the disorder and the more i read, the more i understood about myself. I realised that this part of me is so ingrained, so deep in my psyche that it’s likely that i won’t ever “recover”. I don’t remember what my life was like before i had these thoughts, if there was ever such a time.

5 years post-diagnosis and my compulsions and obsessive thoughts have changed. Not necessarily for the better but i feel more able to cope with them.

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