depression · ramble · mental health

1am rambles

I sure wish i could be one of those inspirational bloggers.

To be honest, even somebody consistent would do.

Right now i’ll be honest. I’m tired. I’m tired of being stuck with my own brain. Tired of social media. Tired of humans. I’m even tired of going outside.

I’m sure i’ll keep plodding on like normal, i’m nothing if not stubborn after all, but i can’t resist wishing it would all just end. It’s not that i particularly want to be dead, at least not right this second, i just want to be in an altered state of mind where i’m happily dreamy.

Now this just sounds like i should take drugs.

Maybe i should.

Probably not. I’m too old for that now. Also drugs make you want to be friends with people and right this second i’m not about that.

I’m having a bit of trouble with my head. I don’t know whether you can call it paranoia as such, it’s more of a second voice in my brain, the crazy voice. It’s trying to convince me that i don’t have BPD because there’s a few things that i don’t conform to and that i’m not as pathetic as the people that have been diagnosed with it, not as emotional or “wet” or soft. Obviously logical me doesn’t think this because that’s the part of me that realised i do have BPD, but crazy me is hating on it big time at the moment. Probably because she’s also obsessed with the idea that nobody is like me. Yeah, she’s a bit of a narcissist too, but not always a healthy one.

I’m also not really enjoying my group psychoeducation. It’s yet to teach me something i didn’t already know that proves useful and i’m very suspicious of most of the group. I sit there trying to work out their personalities.
One girl is quite outspoken but polite, she seems well educated and somebody who is confident in what they want and knows how to get it. She seems bossy and maybe too demanding of her friends. There’s a girl with the same blank face as me and some of the same piercings, she’s quite reserved too but puts on a front that she doesn’t give a shit. She comes across as a bitch, probably as much as i do. The only guy doesn’t seem to have an off button, he doesn’t think about what he’s saying before the words come pouring out of his mouth, he doesn’t bother to construct actual sentences and would rather spend 5 minutes rambling and finding the right words while we sit around and wait and glance at the clock. Either he likes the sound of his own voice too much or genuinely thinks we all care.

See? It’s amazing how fast i can type and how much i have to say when i’m being a bitch. The hateful side of me is in full force tonight.

I’ll continue to attend but i’m not convinced it’s going to help.

L x

ramble

My Bianca Del Rio obsession

Okay so i think it was either early this year or late last year when i finally caved and watched Ru Paul’s Drag Race for the first time. Netflix only has from Season 2 onwards so i started there and i really enjoyed it! I understood some of the hype – although i still felt it was overblown – and i had my first taste of the modern drag scene.

I’m pretty sure the next season i watched was the most recent (9 i think) and that’s when i realised just how far the show had come. I LOOOOVED Sasha and Valentina and Aja and pretty much everyone in that season!

When it ended, i told myself that i would watch the previous seasons, and this is when i fell in love…

As soon as Bianca came onto the screen, i immediately knew i liked her. I cackled at every joke she made, ROFL’d at every read and basically worshipped her. I admired her calm, cool persona and secret affection for people like Adore.

Once the season ended, i didn’t know what to do with myself! Somebody suggested i watched Hurricane Bianca and i gratefully devoured it, several times over in a matter of days. I visited my best friend/cousin and forced her to watch the entire of Bianca’s season with me (she enjoyed it too!). I scoured Youtube for every video appearance, every compilation. I stalked her on social media, messaged her and saved her photos. She was even my phone background for a period of time.

Months passed, eventually i stopped obsessing and moved on.

Or…..so i thought……..

I had a dream about Bianca Del Rio two nights ago. Since then i’ve watched Hurricane Bianca AGAIN and currently have several tabs with interviews of her open on my laptop.

I guess i should accept the inevitable.
I’m in love with a gay man dressed as a woman.

Bianca

ramble

Procrastinating is self care, right?

It’s 4.20pm (blaze it – yah i still say that) and the only thing i’ve done since returning home an hour ago is feed the rats and make a coffee. There’s rubbish that needs taking out, a dishwasher that needs emptying and refilling, washing that needs taking off the maiden and putting away and washing that needs hanging out, but instead i’m sat on the computer listening to the rats tip their food everywhere and snooze.

I’ve been struggling to write recently. I’m sure anybody following has noticed a dip in my posts. I don’t really know what it is…i think it’s a mix of constant perfectionism making me paranoid about my wording and grammar. I mean most of my posts are basically just my actual thoughts, but i always worry over how it looks on paper. For example, “should have i used a comma? Am i using too many full stops? I need to add more to that paragraph but i don’t know what!”

The very fact that i just stopped writing this for 30 minutes to play on Facebook says it all.

If anybody has any suggestions on what i can write, comment on this post!

L x

Body Positive · depression · mental health · ramble · self care · self love · twenties

Self employed and unmotivated

Let me just say the back end of this week has been a struuuugggllleeeeee!
I think i used up all of my happy.

So my business, Critter Care Sheffield, is on the go. I’m insured, registered as self employed and my fiance’s brother-in-law has kindly agreed to create a logo for me.
It’s amazing what you can do in a week when you put your mind to it and you’re having an up mood swing!

Right now i’m exhausted but wide awake from the gingerbread latte i had 2 hours ago, sat at home by myself watching Nothing to Declare repeats and considering attacking the mint ice cream i have stashed in the freezer.

As far as moods go, this certainly isn’t the worst. Plus i know a big factor for me being slightly depressed is due to money stresses (which are now resolved) and several nights of poor sleep (thanks to working Code last night and nonstop sciatica).
All i’ve wanted to do is write, but despite technically having plenty to write about, i haven’t known where to begin!
Unfortunately what tends to happen when i have writers block for a while is that when i eventually do sit down to put my thoughts on paper (or laptop in this case), it just comes out in one big fast ramble like this. Not the helpful, educational or inspirational content i’d prefer to have on my blog, but it’s realistic and true to my style of writing. As much as i’d love (and hate) to have a post go viral for it’s moving message or stimulating story, the plain truth of it is that i still rely on thesauruses to stop my posts sounding like the memoirs of a 12 year old girl.

I digress, so i suppose i’m facing one of the biggest challenges i’m going to come across, and an old nemesis – lack of motivation (also known as “cba syndrome” or “idle-itis”).
This is sadly something i seem to suffer with a lot, and i’m sure a psychiatrist would just love to delve into the dark chasms of my mind and blame it all on being ridiculed infront of my Year 11 English class by Mrs Ceurstemont (old bint). HOWEVER, i’ve come to accept it as part of my personality – whether that be my “healthy” personality or my suspected Borderline Personality Disorder “crazy” personality. It affects most facets of my life; it’s probably the reason why i’m always late, part of the reason why i start projects and then quit them halfway through (the other reason is my ever changing mood and self image) and generally just causes me a lot of trouble. For example, if i’d put effort into everything i’ve tried, i probably could’ve been a straight A student in both school and college, definitely would’ve written a book or two by now and my flat wouldn’t currently need hoovering.

This is the part where, if this were a Buzzfeed post, i would now endow you (yep, used thesaurus.com for that one) with the epiphany or discovery i’d had that suddenly allows me to bypass my lazy, crazy ass and enables me to run at 100% productivity!!!!!…….

Rainbow.jpeg

Yeah…. right….

So no. I don’t have a magic answer for y’all. I’m still a demotivated couch potato who is TERRIBLE for ‘putting things off’.
But i can offer you the rules that i try to follow. I mean, you read this far so it’s not really fair of me to just end it on that note. I don’t do clickbait, i’m not a Youtuber.

  1. Don’t beat yourself up for longer than is necessary. Now i won’t turn around and say never beat yourself up over things, because sometimes what everybody needs is a good self pity session. It creates morality and just proves that you’re human and you care about the thing you didn’t complete. Give yourself a set amount of time (mine is usually a couple of days) to feel like shit, and once that time limit is up, plan what you’re going to do to resolve it.
  2. Choose someone to kick you up the backside. For me this is Tom (fiance). He’s not someone who suffers with a lack of motivation so he comes in handy for giving me that extra support. This doesn’t always go in the right direction as he is a pessimist, so we can sometimes both end up in a pit of despair. Fortunately he bounces back quickly and is generally ready and willing to help me wherever he can.
  3. Don’t give up. Blah blah yeah i know, vom at that overused and cringey line. “Never give up, keep calm and carry on” BLEUUUURRRGGGGHHHHH. I don’t mean it in that airy meaningless way. Genuinely, don’t give up. Keep persevering. I don’t care if you had a 3 year break from it, if it’s something you want to achieve, go back to it, try again, keep trying your absolute best. Everyone fails sometimes, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Hell, i think i’ve failed at 99% of the things i wanted to do in life so far! Sure you might say i’m still young, but that doesn’t matter. It is irrelevant whether you’re reading this at 15 or 50, there will ALWAYS be somebody who started their “thing” later than you and were successful with it. I’m purposefully being vague about what this “thing” is because i want these tips to apply to as many people as possible, so don’t be reading this thinking “oh it doesn’t apply to me, she’s only talking about starting a business”… i’m not! If your “thing” or “it” is making your mental health better, so be it. It could be making a phone call or leaving the house or cleaning or a university essay or absolutely anything you want it to be.

    That brings me onto my last tip..

  4. Make your mental and physical health a priority. The most important thing to you about yourself should be your health. I say ‘about yourself’ because i know many of you will have loved ones that you hold in higher regard than yourself, which is totally fine, but just realise that your health should come first in anything involving you as an individual. Sometimes it’s important to take a break from projects or dreams to give ourselves time to rest. Personally, i need a few days every so often where i literally just fester. I binge eat or don’t eat at all, i just stay on the sofa most of the time, i stay up late and i don’t both showering. For whatever reason, that helps. I feel more alive when i get clean again and it’s almost like a purge – getting all of the nasty brain-sickness out in one concentrated go. Find something that works for you and allow yourself that chance to escape.

 

Keep on going, and if in doubt, watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race. It’s a surefire way to feel better.

L x

ramble

Critter Care Sheffield

If you follow me on other social media, you’ll know that i’ve been dog walking/pet sitting for a few months now. I’ve been using an app up until now as it provides me with a client base and business insurance, however i’ve become quite disgruntled with them recently. They take a 15% cut of my bookings which amounts to way more than business insurance costs (it’s £65 per year) and i’m failing to see the benefits of staying with them. For example, my regular client has been unable to pay due to a lost card and they’re taking the stance that i don’t get paid until my client is able to pay them – something that could have been avoided if i could offer her monthly payments instead of the weekly payments they insist upon.

Anyway, i’ve finally decided (and feel brave enough) to go it alone! Tom has registered a domain for my website and i’ve made an email address, Facebook page and Instagram.

I need to purchase business insurance at some point in the coming weeks as well as supplies like walking boots and poop bags but it’s a start! Once my website is set up, i might start another blog for animal related posts. I’ll let you guys know if i do.

I think it says a lot that every previous job i’ve had, i’ve had some anxious freak out during the first month where i have at least one sick day. I’ve been doing this for nearly 3 months and i haven’t had a single day off. Even when i thought i’d cracked a rib and had a really bad lung infection that lasted 4 weeks, it still didn’t stop me!

Fingers crossed it works 🙂

L x

mental health · ramble

Getting somewhere, finally!

After months of waiting, the date of my assessment with CMHS finally arrived this week and it was pretty successful overall.
The social worker i spoke to was called Jane and she was very nice. I’m usually quite funny about strangers touching me and she touched my arm once when she greeted me and once again when we said goodbye, but i knew she was doing it to try and be comforting.
Despite it being 9am and far too early for this night owl, we leapt right in with “tell me about any traumas from your childhood and adolescence”. I told her the events i believed were linked to my anxiety and emotional regulation problems and we spoke in detail about the problems i was having. She didn’t make me feel like i needed to rush and we were in the interview room for around 90 minutes before we ran out of things to talk about.

At the end of the meeting, she told me that she didn’t feel it would be helpful to only look at one of my issues, and so she has referred me for a psychotherapy/managing BPD group course as well as an anxiety management one. I asked her if she could speak to the resident Dr about whether or not it would be possible for me to go on medication for my anxiety, but unfortunately the Dr wants me to try the courses first but has also recommended i try CBT at the same time.

So… overall….pretty successful! Not quite the outcome i wanted. I still haven’t received an official diagnosis of BPD but Jane believed i was somewhere in the middle of the spectrum and was impressed with the research into i had some, my self awareness and how insightful i was about my triggers. I’m a bit unhappy about not being given the go ahead for meds (kind of goes against the general opinion that Doctors are pro-medication!) but she explained that it wasn’t a no, just a “not until you’ve tried these things”.

It’s going to be a long process. I haven’t been given an estimate for how long the waiting list for these courses is but i expect they’ll be a couple of months away at least.

Being validated by a medical professional (finally) is a great feeling and it makes me more determined to keep going with it this time.

L x