It’s a taste of a life i don’t want.
An undiluted self.
Acrid with paranoia.
The most terrifying thing about being with the love of your life is the thought of losing them.
There isn’t a single part of me that thinks he would ever purposefully leave me.
I’m over that worry.
Mostly it’s that he’ll be in an accident, or one of those freak occurrences you read about in real life magazines where somebody just drops down dead.
I can’t begin to imagine that pain. Just the thought of it is enough to send me into floods of tears.
Tonight for example, i watched the “Be Right Back” Black Mirror episode and ended up crying. (Thanks everyone for not warning me about that one! Talk about hitting my biggest fears on the head)
Writing, fortunately, is cathartic.
It’s only the first night and now i’ve calmed down a little, i feel pretty pathetic (and that’s saying something). I’m glad i’m seeing my Mum tomorrow night though, at least i won’t have to sit in an empty house all evening.
I know i have the rats and i did get them out to play but it’s just not the same.
I wish we could get a dog. Or a baby.
The latter is probably a little more than we could handle right now though. (And we don’t have the room for a doggo).
RIGHT. Note to self, research Black Mirror episodes beforehand.
Time to watch “50 of the Best Reads on Ru Paul’s Drag Race”, an episode or 2 of Friends and then go to friggin’ sleep.
Now i know i’ve already used Youtubers in my favourites series before. It’s glaringly obvious seeing as i think i’ve only done 3 actual favourites since starting it either last year or the year before..
BUT my taste has changed somewhat and i felt it was time to update.
Youtube and Instagram are really the only social media i use to follow people. I’ve never really got the hype with Twitter and i tend to use it for arguing with strangers and complaining to Asda for selling me a out of date Camembert.
So without further adieu, here’s my top 8 Youtubers of 2018 (because i couldn’t think of anymore i currently love)..
WhispersRed ASMR – In 2017 i discovered my love for ASMR. WhispersRed ASMR is by far my favourite. She has a wonderful, motherly feel to her videos, even my own Mum said so!
Sprinkleofglitter – Over the past year, i’ve found myself straying away from the big UK Youtube names. The exception to this are Zoella’s vlogmas and Sprinkleofglitter. It could be something to do with her being pregnant and my constant baby fever, but i can’t get enough of Louise recently.
JaackMaate – I recently discovered Jack via Facebook when he ripped Zoella’s advent calendar to shreds. Kudos to him because it was hilaaaarious. Now i love Zoe Sugg, but i’m not afraid to admit when i think she’s been a fucking idiot. Neither is JaackMaate.
Kiera Rose – A repeat from last time! I’ve followed Kiera for around 4-5 years (back when she was still Scarlet Saint). It’s great to see her growth as a person, as well as her tattoo additions and hair changes. I fell in love all over again when she added ratties to her family, but unfortunately they’ve passed and she isn’t getting anymore for the forseeable.
ASMR Darling – The first “ASMRtist” i discovered after deciding to check out the weird and wonderful world of ASMR! She’s one of the most popular with over 1mil subs (a big thing in this category!) and is just always a lovely person to watch. She does the best tapping videos.
Heather Feather ASMR – My favourite binaural ASMR Youtuber. I love when she just uses her voice with no visual stimuli and walks around the mic. Literally feels like she’s walking around your head.
Georgia Productions – I actually found Georgia from a recommendation by ThatcherJoe. Despite her young age, her videos are hilarious and she’s destined to become the next big Youtube star.
sWooZie – How i didn’t include sWooZie last time i’ll never know! A favourite for years since finding his Confessions of a Disney Employee series. An amazingly creative and original Youtuber, seemingly down to earth and a fab animator. I also lowkey have a crush on him lmao hit me up Adande.
Who are your favourite Youtubers? Do you prefer the mainstream or discovering new talent?
Let me know in the comments!
I started this blog in a very dark place in 2015, looking for somewhere to escape.
I’d originally meant to keep it to positive posts only, mainly body positivity. Y’know, the kind of stuff i was cool with sharing on Facebook for any bugger to read.
I won’t say that plan got scrapped……………okay….yeah..it got scrapped. Ripped to pieces by my melancholy soul and unbearable need to overshare.
I guess i did something right as there’s somehow over 70 of you! That’s certainly not going to win any awards for “biggest blog” or “top blogger 2018” but i’m honestly still pretty shook anybody reads this (besides my Mum and Tom, hi you two!)
Aaaaand on the topic of awards, the lovely theeverydayalternative has nominated me for the 2018 Liebster Award! Huge thanks and i can recommend checking out her blog, especially for those fans of goth subculture and alternative music.
I’ll be as honest as i always am on here – i didn’t have a bloody clue what the award was until i checked out this page. It explains it in some detail for anyone equally as clueless, but here’s the rules for those “tl;dr” folk:
Thank the person who nominated you, and put a link to their blog on your blog.
Display the award on your blog
Write a small post about what makes you passionate about blog posting.
Answer the 10 questions about yourself.
Nominate 5-11 blogs and come up with 10 questions for them.
List these rules in your post
Inform the people/blogs that you nominated
First two are done, onto the third! This is pretty easy, i’ve always been open to the point of being in-your-face with my private life and sensitive issues. It’s probably linked to my lack of self identity, so half the time it feels like i’m talking objectively about another person. Anyway, my blog soon became a place i could share anything without the worries of telling another person. My words were available to be read if someone wished to do so, but they didn’t have to deal with me one-on-one. I started off using it as a diary – useful because i can type nearly as fast as i can think but my handwriting is very slow and messy.
As the time passed and i gained more readers, it gave me confidence and a sense of support. It didn’t matter that most of you never interact with me, just your presence was enough to keep my going through the worst of my writer’s block, where all i could manage was a 200 word babble in the entire month.
Now i can look back on the past 3 years in more detail that i’ve been able to for years. I have proof of my moods and events i may have forgotten about. My yearly roundups are mostly for my own benefit, so i can recall what happened in which year. This is especially helpful since i’ve started struggling with memory problems.
It’s also helped just getting my words out of my brain. Putting them on paper (laptop) and posting them to the world is like drawing poison out of a wound. Before i started toolazytobegoth, i shut everybody out and repressed everything. Flash forward a couple of years and i was having panic attacks, self harming again after 5 years free and living without inhibitions (drinking excessively, unprotected sex etc), surprise surprise!
Overall, i think blogging is a wonderful medium. I really do believe it’s saved me from spiralling on several occasions.
RIGHT i’ve rambled on quite enough. Onto my questions!
If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go?
Oooo difficult, i’d say at the moment, Disney World. Not very inventive i know i know! I have my reasons. Tom and i want to go before we settle down and start having sproglets. I don’t want to be lugging a pram about or having to sit on bastard “It’s A Small World”. At least not until we’ve been by ourselves once.
If you could visit a fantasy land from one of your favourite films, TV shows or books where would you pick?
Oh easy! Definitely Hogwarts/the AU of Harry Potter! I love GOT but noooo thankyou to being murdered/abused/married off. I’d be able to Avada Kedavra anyone that tried that in HP world.
What food do you crave most often?
Hmmmmm probably chocolate! I have a sweet tooth but you can guarantee whatever we have in the house, be it savoury or sweet, i’ll be craving the opposite. If we have both, i’ll want sour.
What job would you be absolutely terrible at?
Engineering! I was discussing this with Tom on our way home today. I’m not mechanically or mathematically minded so i’d last approximately 10 minutes before apologising for being too stupid and leaving.
What is your favourite ice cream flavour?
If we’re talking Ben and Jerry’s, Phish Food! Regular standard flavours, mint choc chip is my go-to. I try and steer clear of anything with fancy colouring, my stomach already hates me!
What would you do in a zombie apocalypse?
TERRIBLE! My only hope would be finding somewhere good to hide, and then my dumb ass would probably get claustrophobic and i’d leave.
What song would you pay money to never hear again?
Thnks Fr Th Mmrs – Fall Out Boy. It’s been my alarm tone for over 4 years and i now hate it.
Is there a quote you strive to live by?
My favourite quote i have tattooed is “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live”. Wise words from Dumbledore! Another recent favourite is “I figured out it was a social thing, what women were allowed to do. At a very young age, I decided I was not going to follow women’s rules.” I can’t remember the author of that one i’m afraid!
Would you rather be able to fly or turn invisible?
Definitely turn invisible! Flying is cool but you’d have to contend with geese and i’d probably get attacked by a seagull or something equally as ridiculous. Being invisible would mean you could sneak into any gig or event, or if you’re as perverted as myself, attempt to catch a glimpse of your crush naked (obviously i’m not speaking about Tom here, i can see him naked any old time! 😉 I’m not sure where Jason Momoa lives but i’m sure i could find out….)
If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?
An interesting one! Probably “are you happy?”
That’s all i’d want to know.
It’s that time of year again! Here is my 3rd yearly summary.
I moved shops AGAIN. I subsequently quit Sainsbury’s because my boss was a misogynistic, bullying asshat. I got a job at Home Bargains. I quit said job. I worked at Boots for a month. I lost said job. I started my own business. I became officially self employed in October. I went to Majorca. I got engaged on a beach. I got food poisoning from a milkshake. I scowled at children. I went to Cyprus. I went quad biking through the Cypriot wilderness. I went for a sunset hack with my fiance and some family members. I failed my theory on the first time. I passed on the second time. I passed my practical driving test first time with 4 minors. I realised just how expensive running a car is. I had my battery replaced. I blew my first tyre and had to be rescued by Tom’s brother in law. I replaced 2 tyres. I ate most of an entire box of Celebrations. I realised i had Borderline Personality Disorder. I finally saw a Doctor. I went on a psychoeducation course. I went to Alton Towers twice…again! I did the scaremazes…again! I went to Scarborough on Boxing Day. I gave Tom pneumonia. We went to Blackpool….it was dead. I built my first ever Gingerbread house. I saw a Panda for the first time. I visited Scotland for the first time. I lost 3 rats. I dyed my hair ginger. I dyed my hair red. I dyed my hair bright pink/purple. I saw my childhood best friend whom i hadn’t seen for around 5 years. Tom and i had an engagement party. I failed at making a speech. My Grandma passed away. I turned 24. Both Tom and i were ill for it. I got conjunctivitis twice. I got ear infections twice. Tom got diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis after injuring his knee. We were scared for months. Our relationship was tested financially, emotionally, mentally and physically. We realised that nothing will break us. A cat adopted us. We named her Sausage. She gave us fleas. It took us a month to get rid of all the fleas. We adopted 3 girl rats. We adopted 2 boy rats. I wore latex for the first time. We saw Pete Tong again. We visited Manchester’s gay village and were unimpressed.
In terms of events, it’s been a massive year to be honest! I won’t pretend it’s been fantastic. Obviously the highlight was getting engaged, as well as our two holidays we were lucky enough to go on, but financially it’s been a huge struggle, especially with my mental health deteriorating.
I’m feeling so much more positive about next year. I’ve got a 6 week anxiety management course starting on the 10th of January. We’ve now acquired some money we’re going to use for the wedding. We’re looking at applying for a mortgage in a few months. I just need my business to pick up after the Christmas lull and we’ll be on our way up!
Thanks for sticking with me this year. I can’t imagine it’s always easy nor enjoyable to read the drivel i come out with sometimes. I appreciate anybody who uses just a moment of their valuable time to check out this blog – i love you all and i hope for a fantastic 2018 for everyone.
Surprisingly i managed to tick off a number of last year’s resolutions! I learnt to drive, i went on holiday (twice) and even changed jobs (3 times).
On the back of this success, i thought i’d write some for 2018.
Move house – This was a 2017 resolution but one we failed at. We’re looking at applying for a mortgage in possibly February and taking it from there. Even if we get rejected we’re gonna’ rent somewhere bigger.
Start wedding planning – We now officially have wedding savings (hurrah!) but we’re still unsure if we’ll be getting married in 2019. Even if we don’t, we can start to contact vendors.
Buy a new car – My speedy little Peugeot will sadly be replaced by something with more boot space for the pooches. I ought to get a van, but i might look at an estate instead. Driving around in a van for my “normal car” doesn’t sound particularly exciting.
Grow Critter Care – I need to get my shit together with my business. I need more advertising, branded workwear, better walking boots etc. Also need to sit down and write a business plan for where i want to be by 2019.
Get more tattoos – I’m already fulfilling this on the 6th 😉 but my legs definitely have plenty of room for more.
What are your resolutions? Do you ever stick to them?
I basically had 3 Christmas’s this year.
It started on Friday the 22nd when i stayed over at Kirsty’s with both our mums. We had an early Christmas dinner and played The Logo Game which was hilaaaaarious. Auntie Jan won, which was a surprise in itself because she’s usually a bit pants at games vs us three!
Kirsty and i played Mariokart, some card games on the DS and then chatted for an hour or so about relationships and life until we finally both passed out in the early hours.
The next day, i stole some of Kirsty’s Kylie lippy and buggered off to Nanny’s. Nanny and i watched the first Harry Potter, i had a cheeky fried egg cob and off i went to Dad’s. There i was forcefed pizza (despite having it the morning before and the night before that) and we watched Crocodile Dundee.
I don’t think we did anything at all on Christmas Eve, besides Tom having to pop to Tesco to buy a ham for the next day.
Christmas morning arrived and i was refreshed……NOOOOOT. I’d been unable to sleep until around 3am and had woken up randomly at 7.50am. I could pretend it was the excitement of the day, but it was more financial stresses that weedled their way into my brain in the early hours of Christmas Day and wouldn’t leave until i’d contemplated them for a good 2 hours.
Tom’s present to me hadn’t arrived yet (thanks DPD) so i opened my presents from my parents and Donna’s parents and Tom opened his from my parents and myself. I haven’t taken any photos of presents this year i’m afraid, but i was very spoilt again.
We headed to Laura’s for Christmas Dinner and i was called to my Auntie duties in entertaining Ashleigh (aka playing with her dolls and doing the voices while she scared them as the big bad witch). She then chased me around the kitchen.
We had Christmas dinner (i added more gravy after this photo don’t worry) –
We all ate so much, we didn’t even have a buffet or cold cut sandwiches, just snacked a little on pudding.
Chris’s family arrived in the afternoon and suddenly the living room was crowded. I made my escape and sat in the kitchen for an hour with Tom. I’m not good in social situations but a busy room with a million conversations is my idea of hell.
We played a trivia game, Girls Vs Boys, and the girls lost HORRIFICALLY. In our defence, the questions were hard and i never would’ve wanted to be against Tom in a quiz.
Eventually we went home and that was that! Over for another year!
So as most of you know, i swapped my box black of 6 years for ginger/orange/red earlier this year. Well as it was coming up to Christmas and the end of the year, i fancied a change.
I’ll be honest, i MEANT to dye my hair purple. The reason it turned pink was due to me not wanting to damage my hair further by bleaching a 3rd time. Fortunately i absolutely love it regardless!
Here’s how i did it (although i can’t recommend you follow any of my advice!)
I let my hair fade. I hadn’t bleached my roots in nearly 2 months so they got a chance to rest, but i also stayed away from the dye and washed my hair more often to help fade the orange.
I used an low impact bleach. This was purely accidental. I hadn’t been paying attention to any writing on the boxes and decided to try something new – it turns out i picked up an ammonia free bleach, doh! It was the Olia Bleach by Garnier (i’ll link all the products used in this post). It stripped about 90% of the red out, but left it pretty orange and patchy, not to mention it barely made a difference to my roots or fringe, which i left until last. Looking back, i think i left it too long to start my roots/fringe and the bleach’s effects were starting to wear off.
My hair was pretty crispy at this point, so i gave it a break from chemicals for 2 days and used the Lush R&B hair moisturiser that i absolutely swear by and which saved my hair the last time i bleached it. I slathered it on, popped my hair up in a bun and reapplied twice a day for 2 days. It worked a treat and my locks felt even softer than before i’d bleached it. Just to prove my point, i’d said to everybody that i wasn’t happy bleaching again yet before i used that moisturiser, but it completely restored it! And to think, it was a spontaneous purchase from the recommendation of a cashier last year.
After my hair was back to it’s usual self, i popped to Boots (twice because i didn’t get enough peroxide, oops) and picked up some bleach that had been recommended to me by other brightly haired humans. I chose the Jerome Russell B Blonde Powder Bleach and the 30vol Peroxide. Thankfully this bleach worked and my hair was lifted to a yellow blonde.
I knew i’d need to aim for a pale blonde/white if i wanted to be a true purple, not to mention i would have been better off with a blue based purple dye instead of a pink one, but i wasn’t happy with bleaching a third time yet and i was running out of time and money. I decided to risk the dye and…. ta daaaaaa!
It’s not perfect. I missed a little brown patch nearly my crown, and the back of my head has an orangey tinge from being too light with the bleach but i bloomin’ love it!!
Everybody has said they prefer it to the orange and now that i’m finally over the initial “it looks like a wig” phase, i definitely agree. I think i’d like to rebleach parts once my roots need doing, but i plan to keep the pink for the forseeable.
I can’t recommend that anybody tries to dye their own hair. I know my hair’s limits only because i’ve broken them in the past. This is probably the best a hair dying mission has ever gone for me, but let’s not forget all the disasters. Pictures to follow.
So there you have it folks! You live and you learn.
If you wanted guaranteed fabulous hair, go to a salon.